Dear Jacob, June 21st 2013
It was a hot summer day when I began going into labor with you early in the morning of June 21st, 1995. It was the Summer Solstice! The longest day of the year. I knew my labors were long, so it was the perfect start for a long labor of love.
We had emptied the Jacuzzi tub outside in our newly remodeled cedar wood old grey barn so we had to quickly fill it up with fresh water. This was going to be a water birth. Our first…our midwife's, Karen’s first! After filling, the water was too cold!
Friends quickly lent us their large wood burning hot water pump to heat the water quickly…it was very large and would heat up water quickly! So within a few hours the water was very hot…oh no, too hot!
We had to add ice and run the bubbles for a few hours to make it cool off before I could get in to relax and although it was still very hot…I still needed the relief so I got in anyway and could only stand it for a few minutes before getting in and out all afternoon.
Soon enough my new baby boy, you, was born!
You were healthy, pink, and handsome…I was so proud and thankful. My heart was overjoyed to hold my new precious gift from God. All had gone perfectly with your pregnancy and birth.
It wasn’t until over the next few days that we decided on a name for you. We had picked the name Christian but I had told my husband that I wanted a “special” name for this boy…one that he would quickly respond to. One that meant something special to him and God. I would pray over the next few days about it.
Then one morning a song called “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, that’s my name too” kept going through my mind and the midwife came over a few hours later and told us that in her prayers she felt impressed that our new boys name was to be Jacob! I was shocked! That would be your name. We loved having Christian be your first name and Jacob as your middle name, as long as we can call you by your middle name Jacob. It was agreed upon and there is how he came to be named, this amazing brown eyed healthy angel from heaven.
I LOVED every waking night, dirty diaper change, feeding, sacrifice, and difficulty. I enjoyed every moment of holding this amazing boy. I appreciated you deeper than I ever had with any of my first two babies…maybe because my sacrifice and pain the years before you were born were so much more difficult and sacrificial, that I knew now of the deep gratitude there was and miracle it was to have you, or a miracle baby here in my life. I was deeply GRATEFUL and in love!
Over the years this little boy was a JOY to be around. You LOVED being in the camera…making faces….being in front…making me smile with the attention you wanted.
I would catch You often playing with your dad’s tool box and tools. You loved to do the typical boy workings. You did well with large motor skills but did not like the fine school work that was forced upon you at a young age in the school system. It is said that boys do better at these subjects after 12 years of age and that was true with my Jacob. But your teachers said that you excelled in subjects like all about “sharks” or sea life. You loved science more that writing and English. You had a fantastic 3rd grade teacher named Mrs. Appleton who took You under her wings and tutored you and loved you along in your studies. I will forever be grateful for her and her kindness towards my son Jacob.
Then one day you went away to go live the rest of your youth away from me and I cried almost every day since you have been gone. The first 2-3 years were the hardest while I came unglued and literally could not get out of bed to enjoy life because my role and existence as a Mother came almost to a halt while I learned to cope and mother from ‘afar’ and survive without you and your other brothers in my expected goals of being what I thought was an excellent mother from physically being there at all times to take care of your every need. I was lost without you!
I could feel your pain every day, since we were spiritually inseparable. When you cried thousands of miles away…I cried. When you were sad…my heart would palpitate and be in pain too. I would cry and cry out loud in pain begging God to bring my baby back to me. Sadly situation after situation over 9 years were manipulated by others to alienate my dear brown eyed boy over and over again to make sure that we did not have contact with each other physically but that did not stop me from praying to the spiritual world who DID have contact with this precious flesh and blood of mine and I learned to be grateful for these small blessings which brought me great comfort. They would be my eyes over you…they would be my protectors over you my sweet innocent child while you grew and I missed you deeply.
Now that you are legally 18, able to choose your own relationships, my deep desire is that you will have the love in your heart to stand on your own and have the courage to reach out and choose to have a contact with me and your youngest brother, with or without your others’s approval, so that we can start where we left off, or better yet even better, be respectful friends and have a healthy mother and son relationship that we deserve and God had intended from the start.
Only you, and your good heart, will know what to do if your desire for this.... is like mine...like all of ours. (dozens of people miss you and wish to have you in their lives...you will see)
I know you do not know me very well. It has been literally 3,247 days since you left my home and arms and I have prayed many days and years longing for your return to me and your brother Alexander. It has been so difficult growing older without you. You are now legally able to choose your relationships. Will you please give me a chance to show you the love you deserve?
There are so many days when I literally just am so confused as to WHY my children hate me?!?! It was and IS OTHERS who insisted that you and I NOT have any contact with each other over the years you were motherless and all for selfish reasons, NOT any other reason...when the world knows (JUST READ THE AFFIDAVITS BELOW) that you and your brothers have literally been welcome in my home ever since you left and YET I'm being blamed completely for all your heartache of growing up without a mother!
IF I did anything to add to your difficulty of growing up in life Jacob, I am truly sorry...but ARE YOU??? I have feelings too! On top of that, you do NOT know my entire story....you don't!
Austin and Jordan have NO respect or compassion...will you? MAYBE you standing up for love and forgiveness will force your dad to HAVE to choose this in return and literally put in him in the position to have to 'repent' of any of his wrong doings, his part in all this, and SAVE him?....don't you love your dad Bernd enough to do this for him????? Listen to God guide you on this.
WHY does it seem that Alex is the ONLY son in the Holler household willing to help his dad Bernd own his responsibilities and choices in life and not allow his dad to get away with bad behavior...especially the choice (HIS ALONE) of having you and your brothers not even talk to me over the phone!!! I respect your dad in his role as a righteous father but there is NO love or respect for me as the role of your mother and THAT IS WRONG.
Someone special once said....Every single person on the planet has a story. Don’t judge people before you truly know them. The truth might surprise you.” Nobody really knows anybody else without actually talking to them.
I am open for conversation, or a meeting, or a phone call, or an email, either in a public (or private if you prefer) controlled environment. If you would like to get together, or talk on the phone, I would be more than happy to talk with you, to get to know each other.
Won't you follow your own advice and not judge me without truly knowing me?
Happy 18th Birthday sweet brown-eyed son!! I am so thankful to be the one that was able to bring your body and soul through mine into this world on this beautiful summer day 18 years ago!!!.
For your OWN salvation....Could you PLEASE show that same respect of love and care to me, your mother, for my great sacrifice?
You will be so much the better man in life, if you do...I promise.
Mucho Love, and forever yours,