Last night I had many dreams about my kids. Wow, I wonder why? I don’t remember the dreams too well, but I know I was dreaming a lot about them because Rudy was tossing and turning a lot and so I awoke many times remembering that I had just been dreaming about them.
Must be because I have been blogging a lot about them lately AND I have been scanning lots of photo album pages onto the computer of them. I have been downloading their baby pics here on this site also for them. That way in the future they can get online and see them when they are older and remember how cute they were and how much I loved them. This had been very time consuming.
One of the last dreams before waking up this morning was about seeing Austin and Jordan during separate meeting times.
At first I was having a “reunion” with Austin... but I remember that it was not going too well? I don’t remember much detail of this one, just that Austin wasn’t making too much of an effort.
Then I was having a “reunion” with Jordan and he was kinder and more receptive than Austin... but he had more stand-offish confusion about our relationship and he was still stand-offish in my dream.
I remember him actually agreeing to meet me in this dream, and how we had a meeting time all set up. I had over slept in my dream, and I was suppose to meet him at 6pm and I had just woke up at 6pm from a long sleep. ?? He called on the phone and Rudy answered and they talked about it. I was told by Rudy that I had missed the meeting time and realized I was late, so I had Rudy tell him that I would head over there as soon as I could. I hurried and got ready to go.
Then, I was meeting him at an some unknown family’s home in this dream, where the mother there actually had made us a big dinner to celebrate our reunion and she had made all kinds of deserts, and food etc.
The family was really awesome to me, I remember. I had wondered if this was the family of Jordan’s girlfriend or someone he knew? I don’t remember now but he was somehow connected with them.
Jordan was being normally cordial to me and this had made me so incredibly happy that we were actually standing next together. Then at one point he had a cake brought out that was made especially for me (or for our reunion) and I was so amazed that I actually started to cry in my dream because I was so happy.
I started to hug Jordan in this dream and thank him and express my deep gratitude and love for him at being so kind to me, because I thought that he had done this out of the love he had for me.
I was so happy, but as he awkwardly pulled back from me, he told me that he had only done it to be polite and that he did not love me the way I was thinking at that moment.
He told me he still had many issues or hard feelings towards me, but that he was not like Austin who may pretend to love me but had no respect for me and would NOT meet with me in previously in this same dream.
Instead he told me, in this dream, that he was doing this out of being a respectful and polite person, that was all. Then we talked about many things which I don’t remember of what, just that we did a lot of talking after that. ???
I do remember the sadness I was feeling during the dream about how I had been mistaken about his kindness towards me... just out of politeness and respect (or maybe he was doing it for others around him) instead of for love of his mother.
I woke up from this dream.
I’m still amazed at these interaction dreams I have with my kids. They really showed me so many things about Austin and Jordan. They showed me how much they dislike me, or better yet, how much confusion, distance and pain they are still experiencing towards me ~ since they just don’t know a lot of truth behind WHY their dad choose for them to have the life they grew up with. Or even how much their dad played a part in creating the hatred he instilled in them that he could have easily taken away!
I often see in my dreams just HOW they are so confused and how they still don’t understand so much, OR even how much I deeply love them. I was a little sad when I woke up, but also very happy that I had many dreams about my kids.
These are good experiences to me, no matter what I dream about! Lately I have been thinking alot about Austin. Wondering about the fact that now that he lives in Hawaii, IF he will ever will fly into LA one of these days, and be near our home? If he will drive to Colorado instead of flying into Denver wouldn't that make it possible for him to come see us? Will he have the courage to stop by and see Alex and I? I guess there is the possibility, but something tells me he won't do it, that he is still too bitter, just like Jordan and Bernd. I have been thinking alot about this lately...just wishful thinking I guess.
I love all these dreams about my kids…even if it is to show me how much they dislike me. What do I expect?…they have been told so many lies about me. The crazy thing is.... NOW that I am able to contact them without being HURT by my ex.... they are SO disrespectful that I am now starting to dislike them for being so wicked. Its the only way I can handle their abuse.
The pain is so great when I focus on how hateful they've become, that this whole day I have wondered if I might have to go back to my LDS Grief Counseling meetings that I used to go to many years ago, just so that I could survive. These classes helped A LOT when I was tremendously grief stricken for so many years. Most people who were there in these classes were parents who had children or spouses who had been killed or died.
When they would hear about my children and situation they would say things like "That seems to me to be way worse then what I am going through, I am so, so sorry for you!" or "At least I know where my loved one is and they they are safe, happy and in a loving environment. I am so sorry to hear about your children... that must be so horrible for you to live through. It sounds like even when you have a spark of hope of reaching them, you live through them dying over and over again when you reach out to them and they won't respond to you and the love you have for them. I know that I could not survive such horror in my life, God bless you ....and your children". These are some of their comments to me in GRIEF counseling classes.
BUT I just have to be strong and pray mightily that God will show them TRUTH in life so that they will break FREE of any deceit they are living with. What happened between Bernd and I should STAY between us, NOT be apart of my children.
They HOLD the key of making their lives so much sweeter, if they only knew. They believe I was the one who was supposed to do so much more for them in this life when my hands were tied....when in reality it is THEY who had the power all along!
Life (through the help of God and his angels) will hopefully show them this truth and how much I always loved them and how much they deeply mean to me and I have always been there for them. Sometimes a mother has to remind them of their duty or requirement to respect her, BECAUSE God made her their mother and no matter what happens in life NOTHING can change that. NOTHING!
They are my babies and nothing can change a mother’s loving view on them….even when they do the most horrible things, she still remembers their sweet innocent spirits that she gave birth to and raised for many years; “The real them”.
I may have great disappointments in them today...but my love for them will NEVER go away.
So, that was some of my dreams this morning. Just writing them down so I don’t forget.