One particular situation came to mind this morning.
Many years ago, when I was carrying Jacob in my womb I was in Hawaii. (The Big Island). My husband and I were vacationing there. We had been living in Manti Utah and there was SO much 'drama' there, that we had to escape to other destinations from time to time, just to get out of Manti and all and feel sane from all the craziness that was happening there in that small town.
While at this Paradise, I had noticed more and more that whenever we spoke of a close Manti family friend of ours named 'Lori' who was going through a divorce, that my husband would 'defend' her quite fersly.
It started to get me very upset. Especially since I was about 6 months pregnant with Jacob, was very busy with two small children and was very sensitive and very vulnerable.
As you see in this attached photo, these heated conversations with my husband, led to me being very depressed and upset while in Hawaii.
I usually ALWAYS smiled in photos and it was very rare that I did not...even when upset. As you see in this photo, I just could NOT bring myself to smile, since we had been arguing for hours and days, especially while driving around the Island looking at beautiful sites and stops.
Hindsite, now that I remember this time period, I remember that before leaving this Big Island, I had started to mysteriously miscarry this pregnancy and had called my midwife to ask her if there were some natural Herbs I could take to stop this pre-labor or miscarriage.
I was told by her to take some False Unicorn plant tea and drink this. I found some at a local Herb store and did as directed.
It worked and the bleeding stopped and all went back to normal. It gave me a scare and thus I tried harder to get along with my husband and he also tried his best to not upset me so much.
(hindsite, I see I must have been under a lot of stress) (duh??)
So, off to another Hawaiian Island we went. This time to Kauai, for a week.
While there, I had received a VERY strange phone call from our mutual family close friend 'Lori'. While I was on the phone with her in the kitchen, she had asked to talk to my husband on the phone so I confusingly handed it to him... and they spoke for a while.
My husband seemed very upset and anxious with whatever they were talking about. Eventually he handed the phone back to me and told me that 'Lori' had to speak with me.
When I got back on the phone with her, she proceeded to tell me something that made me (to say the least) VERY upset.
She told me that my husband Bernd, had been calling her secretly for many weeks and months now and that she felt that the deceit was wrong and had gone on long enough....and that I should know about it.
She told me that she had been telling my husband that if he 'deeply loved her' like he had been telling her over and over, that he should not be so secretive about it.
That he should be honest with his wife, me, and then let me decide if I was 'ok' about that and give me the option to accept her into our lives and either let me make the decision to go and move forward in my life to live without him or be ok with his desires for her. Or accept this and live a life of 'Polygamy', where we all share the marriage and be friends.
What What What???
I about had a complete 'melt-down'. I could hardly believe what I was hearing.
It was like being in a foreign country and hearing a foreign language.
Boy did I feel like a complete 'sucker' and Idiot !!
I felt SO betrayed and deceived and angry all at the same time!
I didn't know what to say or do.
I thanked her for her honesty and handed the phone back to my husband and told him (in a sarcastic voice) that "your girlfriend wants to speak with you again".
Well, she had just ask me to hand to phone back to my husband Bernd, so she could speak to her lover again and tell him what he MUST do at that time to be able to get me to calm down and to get me to accept their plans of being together...with or without me. They felt that they were being SOOOOOO loving and generous in letting me be a part of their passion. Their 'higher' love
Boy was I in major 'shock'! My first reaction was to bolt !!
My husband quickly noticed my complete confusion and extreme anger and he told Lori he'd call her back and hung up and proceeded to chase after me around the Resort Condo where we were staying in, as I proceeded to tell him that 'I was leaving out the door, into the dark, to go sit at the Beach or walk so that I could 'THINK' about what had just happened WITHOUT HIM'!!!
I had to get away from him. ..... From his devilish tongue, his convincing talk, his overbearing dominance.
My weakness to believe everything he would tell me to say, do and think was NOT going to be happening this night!!!!
I was angry, hurt, and feeling completely devastated with all the lies I had been living with.
What was up?
What was down?
How could I have not seen this?
Who was I, Who was my husband?
Who was I married to??
How could I have been soooooo nieve, soooooo trusting, and NOT see this?
I kept heading for the front door of our resort Condo to leave.... and my husband kept blocking the door and in his panic telling me that we needed to talk about things.
I kept yelling back that I needed to be 'alone'...with my thoughts and feelings!!! To let me go!!!
He was desperate to explain! He would NOT listen to me!!
He had always been VERY selfish that way.
I was not going to stay there!
Finally, I told him that if he did NOT get out of my way, I was going to JUMP off this second story balcony which faced the Ocean.
To escape him.
To jump Down to the sand, ...pregnant and ALL...even if it meant hurting myself and pregnancy.
I MEANT IT !!!
I was THAT desperate to be away from him and that room....his lies.
Get away from that situation, which had just happened.
I was having a complete melt down.
I needed to think....to cry....to be on MY OWN!!!
I was devastated beyond belief!
I was finally able to leave through to front door.
While I ran down the beach in the dark my husband was back to calling his lover on the phone in the condo, so they could work up a plot on how to convince me of their plans.
I ran and ran north up the dark soft sand under my bare feet not knowing where I was going ,or what I was going to do when I got there. I just wanted to get away...far away.
I finally plopped my but in the soft sand and began to feel sorry for myself and starting to cry when all of a sudden the most amazing warm heavenly feeling flooded my body and soul. It was as though the heavens had just opened up and began to pour the most warm comforting and happy feelings through me!
I looked up at the dark star filled sky and began to hear the soft comforting words in my mind and heart of, "All is well....aren't you so happy for Bernd, that Bernd has finally found a 'true love' of his own?" "You are now free of him Lisa, you are no longer a captive of his....Let him go, and you will be free. Heaven has set this up as your opportunity to move on away from this domineering and controlling marriage that you are both in." (not in those exact words, but it was communicated to my mind and heart in this way....hard to describe....but that was the jest of it)
I could hardly believe what I was hearing or feeling.... a complete sense of 'relief' that my marriage with Bernd Holler was over and Heaven was the one who set it up this way!!!
it completely caught me off guard.
HOW could I be so happy at such a devastating moment?
What was happening? Why was this happening?
These weren't MY thoughts. Where were they coming from?
I couldn't deny that they were from Heaven...not from me.
Wasn't I suppose to be upset? Then why did I feel such amazing peace, calm and happiness ...like a wave of love and gratitude had just washed over me!
God was telling me that this was right. That Bernd and I were suppose to move on in life without each other!
BUT that was SO frightening and confusing in my mind!
I happen to be many months pregnant and SO insecure.
HOW was I going to just let go, move on, and trust God that this was right and move on in life?
How? I began to fear.
My own thoughts began to doubt what I was feeling.
My peace and calm began to be replaced by doubt and fear....feelings of insecurity.
I needed to talk to someone....someone unbiased.
So I called my mid-wife back at home. She was very kind. She was spiritual and a little opinionated. She knew both Bernd, I and Lori.
She knew a lot of my situation from an outsiders point of view. Definitely not as much as God, but I felt she had a good head on her shoulders and she would understand this particular ordeal, and have plenty of info and guidance to offer. Plus, I had her phone # memorized.
So I ran down the dark beach to find a phone. Sure enough I found a pay phone and called her.
I told her the whole story up to what had happened that night. She was a good listener, but she also offered many thoughts that I had not thought of too. She helped me think through a lot of info and their outcomes....their consequences.
She was a relief to talk to.
Hindsite, I know now that I should have listened to God, to the Heavenly message that I had received while sitting on that star lite amazing beach, and not my own (or others) limited knowledge, but I still was very young in life and too insecure to do that yet.
My thoughts began to turn to anger, disgust, and hot-headedness again. I decided that IF my family was going to be broken up, that Bernd would have to make that decision because Lori was the 'right' soulmate.
NO! I was NOT going to live polygamy!
He was going to have to choose either me or Lori, plain and simple. If she was so special and his soul mate...
.... he would have to have the courage to move on without me.
I don't know WHY it was that way...but I felt I was worth more than what his and Lori's offer was. (To be their glorified 'babysitter' while they lived it up enjoying a deep love in front of me....while I suffered.)
I had given my all, my life, my deep sacrifices in this marriage. I had even given up soulmates (that I was unaware of) during those years....to make his life happy and successful .... so if he wanted that spiritual blessing...he was going to have to lose what we had. Let go of the tight hold he had on me.
Even if I would eventually only make that transition of moving on for both of us, an easy and smooth one.... since I am a very cooperative and easy going person.
Little did I know, Bernd was NOT thinking of losing his CAKE while eating it too!!
However, I was scared and insecure being 6 months pregnant....(and afraid of what Bernd could do to me and my small children if he did not get his way...he was like that)
and talked myself into not wanting to lose what comforts and family I had worked hard and sacrificed for, unless it was meant to be and I would get a two by four across the head. (funny but sad)
So, after I hung up the pay phone, there on that dark, deserted paradise beach....I headed back to the Resort Condo where Bernd and Lori (on the phone) were, and my children slept....to face my situation!
Hindsite, I should have listened to God, to the Spiritual world. I should have let Bernd go. I should have insisted upon it.
I should have listened to Lori when she told me that Bernds love for her were his 'True' feelings.
Instead I was jealous, insecure and had no way to care for my small children or myself. I know now....
I should have let him go. God was giving me the chance to be FREE. But Bernds demanding selfishness was NOT going to allow that to happen and I was too insecure and vulnerable to make a firm decision to move on!
I should have insisted that Bernd follow his heart, his desires. I had no idea that our marriage would end badly because we did not follow our hearts....but instead our heads, minds, and what looked good on the outside.
Lori had warned me that things would go wrong, if I did not listen to God and allow Bernd to make his own choices. To allow Bernd to have what he really desired in his heart.
When I got back to the Condo Resort, Bernd had just gotten off the phone and we began to talk.
I told him how angry I was and that I had sacrificed so much in life to make this beautiful little family a reality for him and I and how I had stuck it out with him, and how that he would have to choose only one of us.
Lori OR Me?
If he chose Lori, that I would move on in life, without him.
I told him that I did not want to live Polygamy.
We talked for hours through the night as he tried and tried to convince me of Polygamy! Finally we fell asleep.
The next morning we talked more.... but I stood firm with the decision that I was not going to live Polygamy....at least NOT with Lori.
So, Bernd decided that if he was going to lose what family he had built up to that day, to be with Lori, that he was not going to chose to be with Lori and lose his family also.
I understood WHY his did it ....and a part of me was extremely relieved...but that of course was my 'selfish side', my insecure side.
I had no family per se to turn to if he had chosen to go in a different direction in life. My mom was still at the point in life of getting the very last of her children out of her home.
My father had a new family with Diana and her kids and Diana did not like me very well.
My father was always a very kind and generous man, always willing to help, but I didn't feel I could disturb his world at that time.
He believed in 'responsibility' and I would have had to step up to the plate in my choices, no doubt. I would be a divorced mom and I know Bernd would have made it VERY hard on me. He could be VERY cold and heartless and this scared me.
Bernd and I had decided that we would tell Lori of his decision that morning. That it was not going to work with her and that he would chose to not lose what we had worked for. He would not lose his family.
(I later learned that it was not what really Bernd wanted, based on how hard he worked on convincing me to live the principle of Polygamy over the next 4-5 months)
We were going to tell Lori that we were NOT going to live 'Polygamy' and that IF doing so meant losing his current family, that he, Bernd, would have choose to end the relationship with her.
(Hindsite, made me wonder WHO was running the show?) (Lori)
So, that next morning there in Kauai Hawaii, Bernd and I went down to a payphone nearby and called Lori...
So I listened in as Bernd told Lori his decision to stay with me and not live Polygamy with her or run off with her instead.
Of course I could hear her talking and talking to Bernd and trying to convince him that he was making the wrong decision. That IF he would just follow thru with their plans and choose her, that eventually Lisa would come around and follow them and their plans for all of us.
Bernd was adamant and kept telling her "no".
(I guess he knew me better)
He knew that I was REAL in my decision to move on in life without him, if he chose a relationship with Lori or any another woman.
Lori was very saddened, said Bernd later.
They hung up and of course we then talk extensively over the next few days and months about this WHOLE situation and the principle of Polygamy.
At home later, Bernd showed me the 'love letters' that Lori had written him... which he had hidden in his dresser. It was at that time when he spoke of her that I saw something that I had never seen in his eyes for me....a sparkle of light.
A twinkle of 'love' in his eyes when he spoke of her.
It was at that time that I saw that Bernd did have love in his heart and eyes...just not for me. I had never seen this before from him. I had seen it before in someone else.....Not in our relationship!
So, Bernd wanted to live Polygamy? Well, THAT is the way to get what you want and NOT lose what you already have...right??
He (hindsight) pretended like it was a 'saintly' thing to be doing and living... and that he would live it purely just so that he could be more 'Godly', but hindsight it was purely a selfish sexual desire....and the future would prove this true.
Again, youth, weaknesses, and our own immaturity would make all these emotions, feelings and such things so unclear....so confusing and so obscure... so who's to blame for Youth?
One thing I did know at that time, was my friendship with Lori was OVER and I was so mad at her...madder than I had ever been with any friend....any person....or some 'so-called "friend", and boy did I let her know when I got home from Hawaii !!
So, as I said, when we finally arrived home, spring of 1995, Bernd showed me the Love letters Lori wrote him a few weeks earlier.
From what I can remember, I think Bernd told me that he had written her some also, but I didn't see those letters.
Naturally Lori would have had it, or them?
The one she wrote to him I did read... was enough.
When Lori came over to our house the very next day we got home from Hawaii, she came to my kitchen door and inside my kitchen to talk to me, plead with me...or convince me of something...
I told her that I did NOT want to see her, speak to her, hear from her... and that our friendship was over!
I told her that I was VERY upset with her and the dishonestly that had happened and didn't trust her. That I didn't feel that she was my friend.
She talked and tried to convince me that she had done me a great justice by revealing the secret that they had between Bernd and herself, and that this proved that she was my friend and that I should be grateful and listen to her.
I told her that I WAS grateful that she had been honest at that point, and had eventually told me the truth, however I did not trust her from then on because of their deceit, and that I no longer wanted to be her friend.
I had never told a friend this, or frankly to ANYONE in my life.
I was always kind to all people I knew and this was the first time I had felt and acted this way. I was even surprised at myself at how MAD I was. (but there was a part of me that was a bit grateful for her honesty NOW, but what about the deceit before hand...how would I just 'overlook' that now? Hello
Plus, her being around would just drive Bernd to her arms again and I was no fool.
I politely told her "Thank You for your honesty today", but that I didn't feel that she had been completely honest over the many previous months and that had 'ruined' our friendship.
She was VERY sad at losing our friendship (I think) and left my home telling me so.
From that day forward over the next few months, as my due date to deliver my sweet Jacob into this world, came closer and closer, Bernd continued to talk to me about the 'Principle' of Polygamy. He would find out all he could on my feelings, thoughts and understandings I had in my brain and heart on the subject and then ever so gently convince me that we were 'suppose' to live this Honorable and Holy Principle. That IF I were to accept this into my marriage than WHO (at least) would I be OK with having as MY sister wife!???
~ ~ Looking back hindsight today, I would have to say from my opinion that Bernd was either very clever or very confused or sexually hungry.
I feel that IF he had had this sparkle of Soulmate Love FOR Lori and he had felt this and was now deprived of it....it was all he could think about.
He had chosen NOT to go forward with Lori (without me tagging along and him having his cake and eating it too)... and that MAYBE this choice to NOT have this TRUE love, had turned him into someone who now was "soulmate love starved" and "confused". He now desperately (or cleverly?) under the guise of 'Polygamy' was looking for this same or similar love connection, in other women??? ~~
(Thus his heart began turning bitter and his confused pursuit of sexual partners from then on out in our marriage began to unfold)
Hindsight vision is so amazing
So, after months of careful persuasion, Bernd finally got me to admit that if I 'had' to live this principle, then I admitted that my only choices would be able to live it with, would be a 'sister or cousin' ...since my lack of 'jealousy' for these types of women were less and more understandable and acceptable ...IF I were persuaded to live it of course, and that it WAS from God.
Hindsight I also notice that my jealousy for Bernd had slowly started to not be there...I don't think I had the same love for him as before...I must of known he was NOT my soulmate.
So, I mentioned to Bernd my single sister Susanne being an option and also my recently divorced cousin 'Tammy Hatch'. Their names were brought up, when the pressure was put on me by Bernd as to WHO he might have, IF we were ever to live this type of marriage.
Soon enough, Finally came the day to deliver my new and most anxiously awaited Angel baby boy Jacob!!! A baby in my loving, tender and motherly arms after Michael had gone...I was SO excited.
It was a good water birth delivery at home, and all went well and I was OVERJOYED AND FULL OF GRATITUDE beyond description... and exhausted also!
I was SOOOOO peacefully thankful to God for this amazing 'gift' and small baby in my arms, words can not describe !!!
I was so humbled and ecstatic all at the same time!!! It was an amazing and maturing experience! I had a whole new meaning of gratitude and love in my heart for children....and Bernd knew it...
The VERY next morning AFTER giving birth and being in a VERY weakened and humble, condition, countenance and demeanor, Bernd approached me with the most heartbreaking and awkward news .....
That morning while I lay in the bright cheery pastel guest room where Jacob and I were recovering from the water birth we had just gone through, Bernd came into this room in the early morning hours to tell me that he had a 'vision' from God that very night (few hours ago). This vision was all about how he was to live "Polygamy" with my sister Susanne or my cousin Tammy. (Gee, what a surprise...haha)
I was Stunned....
He asked how I felt about it?
I was so shocked yet in my condition too subdued at this time that I didn't know what to think....other than I was in the MOST grateful and humble attitude with a NEW angel in my arms that "HOW" was I to say NO to God IF IF IF this was 'real'.
So I said that I would pray about it.
He left the room.....and I prayed.
This had broken my heart. I cried and cried deeply.
I told God that IF this had really come from him and the Spiritual world, that WHO was I to say No? Especially after he had JUST blessed me with an amazing gift of love in this tiny bundle of JOY named Jacob.
I told God that 'thy will' would be done and then I told my husband Bernd that I would accept this and go along with asking these women...Susanne first....if they would like to join our family as sister wives and that they were welcome.
At first my sister Susanne laughed and immediately told us that although she was thankful, that it was not something that she could ever do or was interested in.
A BIG part of me was 'relieved' !!!
Then came the next day when we presented the offer to Tammy, my divorce cousin with two little boys.
She said that she would 'Pray' about it.
She later called us by phone and told us that she did not feel that it was something that she could live, but kindly thanked us for our kindness in thinking of her.
AGAIN, I was overly 'relieved' that both women had said NO!!!
Bernd was disappointed yet he hid it well.
It was from that point forward that Bernd then started to look for 'sex' outside of our marriage, religion, or relationship. Mostly secretively.
I really only started to find things out years later when I would confront him and he would admit a 'few' details to me...but that was enough for my soul spirit to press and press me to move on and divorce myself from his worldly ways, persuasions and doctrines.
Like I've said before, this is the time that BECAUSE I had such a need to hang on to what I had worked for in my marriage, relationship and family (my world) that against promptings and promptings from God and my heart....I NEARLY lost my soul, my light of Christ, My heart, my very being!!!!
It would be later that others would come out of the woodwork and tell me the Truth of the life my husband Bernd had been living in California while I was raising my children alone in Utah most of the week, which I was almost completely unaware of.
The real him.
The side of him that I refused to believe was the Real him.
A 'worldly' man.
I had had such Faith over 14 years that he was the Good person I had always Believed he was or 'could be' that I refused to see the Real him and his Real desires....which were NOT mine or were NOT conducive to a righteous and spiritually Godly life.
He had been born into and raised in a worldly home and upbringing and he had really ONLY joined my world to convince me to stay with and marry him. I slowly began to see this....but it was still something I could NOT grasp.
Without putting 'blame' on either of us....I believe we became 'Toxic' to each other. When your souls are wanting to move on and you are NOT listening to your 'higher self' or your Guardian Angels from the spiritual world, you become a 'stumbling block' for yourself and others around you. You actually start to destroy your own soul and the lives of yourself and others.
Pride is so deadly!
I soon begin to wake up when God began to show me that I was spiritually 'dying'!! ...That is when I finally told Bernd that I was going to 'separate myself from him'. Not divorce...just separate.
Well, at that point he WAS having his cake (sexually active and VERY worldly life in CA.) and eating it too (an awesome family and home life in Utah with a beautiful worldly wife who didn't give a care).
This News of ruining his FUN, devastated him...or better yet ENRAGED him beyond belief !!!!
He began to do crazy, wild things! He did this to 'scare' me into submission!....but by then it did not work. I had grown cold to his 'brain washing'....his controlling techniques (which by the way are an A'+++ in the persuasion field)
That is all another story. My eventual Divorce from this worldly man, who I had believed with all my heart was my 'best friend'.
However, I really just wanted to share my story about my Spiritual experience I had had on that beautiful star lite beach one night in 1995.
The night God (or the Spiritual world) reached out to me. To press me forward in my eternal progression. A night I shall never forget.
"Hindsight" is such a wonderful thing. Especially as you get older and there is so much more to 'look back' on!
As much as a 'perfect' marriage Bernd and I had created for ourselves on the outside....that does NOT fix the spiritual and eternal side of things.
The ever elusive and fragile Spirit world around us is REAL.
We would be wise, everyone of us, to NEVER ignore it's promptings. Its reality and its amazing way to lead us into an eternal (lasting) life of 'Love' and true 'Happiness'.
How bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How bout them transparent dangling carrots
How bout that ever elusive "could of"
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down
How bout no longer being masochistic
How bout remembering your divinity
How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How bout not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you Providence, thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence...