Today is a nice day, just relaxing at home ...reading my personal letter from my friend Elder Dallin H Oaks (one of Jesus Christs 12 Apostles!!!) He is such a wonderful, kind, intelligent (former Supreme Court Judge of Utah) friend and man of God.
....yet it's also kinda a sad day too....
my life is good...so why do I have sad feelings?
I usually feel this way when one of my boys is thinking of me. So, today, one of them must be sending out feelings over to me-..... Question? Who is it?
I also felt this way, last Sunday ( a week and 1/2 ago)!
I think I feel one of my boys longing to be a part of my life, as much as I want to be a part of theirs??
"I feel you.... thinking of me...whoever you are."
Question is - Does this person who gave me such strong sad feelings today AND (especially a few Sunday's ago), thinking of me in a good way? or bad?? Hummmmm
Last Sunday (July 29th) I had a fun day with Rudy and Alex, going to Church and going out with Family the rest of the day for Rudys Birthday celebrations and having a Peaceful day...
But, (off and on), I couldn't STOP thinking about my son Jordan. Weirdest thing!!
Over and over I had the "saddest feelings" about him and these similar feelings again now. Over and Over I can "feel" him thinking of me,....WHY?? I wonder what is going on in his life that makes me think SO much of him that day and again this day, or maybe it is another son who is thinking of me??? I hope he is OK? ....I can feel him (or them) spiritually, we are connected.
I don't know....?? Jordan's name keeps coming up in my mind and heart though...
I just kept thinking, "Dear God, how can I let him know how MUCH I love him...or the son that is thinking of me right now?" WHY am I thinking so much about him?? What does he want from me?
I wish he would call me!!!!!!!!!!!!! "
Soon Jordan will be starting his Sophomore year in College...going back to Illinois...far away. I will have NO address on him. Nothing.
He wonders so much....but my dear little boy will NOT let me love him. All I can do is call his friends ~ and the RA's and his Teachers ~ and Staff at School and tell them how much I love Jordan Taylor Holler and ask them to please watch over him....keep him safe for me...asking them to tell Jordan how much I truly miss him. They are very kind to me over the phone.
They tell me that Jordan tells them that his dad is just a "regular guy" to cover up...but then they tell me that they know the "real truth" about his dad and how bitter he is. They really are super nice to me there at his Campus...especially the Police Captain. He said, "now that he knows the truth"... he and his staff will keep a sharp eye on Jordan and his dad. I am so thankful...but i don't think Jordan even knows that he is so loved.
He is so sensitive, so in turn he becomes so arrogant....and arrogance is so dangerous.
When I think about doing more for my son....I think of Nothing... I can do Nothing, but Pray, and Prayer is the most powerful force on Earth, along with the Priesthood Power of God to do good.
Jordan doesn't realize he is the one who can respectfully change his fate.
(If there ever comes a day into the future when Jordan finally lets go of his bitterness, and reaches out in love...I hope he finally realizes, that I can NOT and could not interfer with HIS free agency. ...when will he learn this?? ... but why does he think so much of me and feels I would do anything anymore for him anyway, NOW that he has shown he is a bitter- bitter enemy??? An enemy to his Mother?...who loves him!! Who in their right mind treats their Mother this way? An angry young man. A man who hides from the truth. A man who will NOT turn to God...who will (hopefully not) have to learn the hard way.
Sadly my ex did that to me while I lived with him. He spent years teaching me that God is NOT there for me...and I believed it....just like Jordan believes that I am not his good mother who loves him, and believes I was never there for him...when I WAS and AM....and he is convinced by lies that I am not there for him ...but believes that his dad is the only one he can rely on. This is all a trick to lead Jordan astray)
Oh, MY poor boy!
Some days, like two weekends ago, and now, I think - "why should I even try???"....all of them (especially Jordan) are trying so hard to actually harm me, and Alex...harm our peace.... that I finally have from my ex's malicious intention to harm me and my children over 12 years. I even have a feeling Jordan was behind the lastest interjection by his dad. Foolishly trying to pull a fast one on the CA courts, but his dishonesty was caught again! They should NOT be trying to harm Godly people. Don't they have better good things to do than to go after innocent people? ...or has Jordan been lied to and he doesn't know THE TRUTH ???
My children have so much Hate for me....it makes my heart weep....I have done NOTHING to harm them...yet they want to destroy me...destroy my peace because they are so jealous of it.
So all day Sunday (and now) I thought about my son Jordan. I know he was thinking of me. Why??
Is he plotting to do me more harm? What are his intentions? How will I ever trust him? I want to.....so God will have to show me the way.
Some days I can super feel this....and I can only pray that he will do the right thing and respectfully reach out to me for love, not to hurt me. But whoever it is...is too afraid.
They don't believe anything I say...they don't know my heart....they don't care....they have NO IDEA how much I have prayed for them. Jordan claims he is an enemy....he is only out to harm me he says...why?....he chooses to NOT be trusted. WHY SO BITTER??
Why can't Jordan see that it was his spiteful dad who committed his own illegal acts against me and his brother, which got himself into trouble. WHY do they blame ME?
Because they are too young to know right from wrong yet? Or they are extremely deceived.
I pray that my children do not follow in their bitter dads footsteps. So far God is the only one who has helped me with these boys...no one else except the CA courts through the Angels of Heaven have shown they will help these boys of mine - due to Bernds threats towards those who associate with him....even my children. They would not admit this...but I know the truth.
I just recently learned that my ex tells my boys (and others) that I abandoned them on a "street corner" many years ago...his OUTRIGHT LIES continue!!! I never did that....even Sister Christie Bowman knows the truth of this story of how she watched my boys for an hour while BERND was suppose to have already picked them up by 12 noon...but HE had abandoned them after getting custody of them that day!!! How many lies must my children swallow?
Bernd pulled an illegal stunt purposely that day because he had demanded that I turn over custody that day at noon...then he pretended that he was unable to pick up these children at that day because he was so hot to put me into jail if I kept custody of them!! He had been working so hard on harming me and my children that I could NOT trust him.
I did exactly as I was forced legally by him to do, which was turn over custody to him at noon. I had no choice in this matter ...everyone knew he had been working hard to put me in Jail for my engagement to Brother Acosta (a man he was so jealous of and which he freely admitted to me for many years after we had met him and his family)
SO before he could harm me that day, my sweet friends came to the rescue and told me that they would take the children for a few hours or so, until Mr. Holler picked up his kids and so that he could NOT harm me. I had no choice....he did that so that he could later use this to lie to my children!
I now hear that he did twist these facts and does to this day to confuse my children!
Bernd Holler himself abandoned them that day in July 2004 !!!!...by NOT picking them up at the legally scheduled time...I KNOW HIM...he was hoping that I would still have them with me, and then he could put me into contempt of court and sue me!!! Sister Bowman AND Sister Strong and many other LDS sisters can testify to this truth, they were a witness to it all !!
But Jordan and my boys are lied to, they don't remember that far back, they don't remember the details of this sad sad day for me....AND are too dumbed down by Bernd and Terry, to NOT askthese witnesses and find out truth !!! RUDY remembers this day that Bernd did this to all of us...and of how I cried about having to leave them...KNOWING that Bernd was bluffing and that he was going to pick them up from her house the minute he would see that HE was the one in contempt of court the minute she had possesstion of them. NO WONDER he came 1 1/2 hours later to pick them up at Sister Bowmans house!!! I have the whole incident written down and so did Sister Bowman! She sent me a detailed account of that day and everything that transpired when Bernd Holler came to pick up the Boys an hour later. THAT is WHY we know that he was lying about just not being able to pick them up that day that he demanded them!!
Doesn't stuff like this make Jordan and my boys "question" everything their dad has been feeding them over the years!! I wish they would take a stand and ASK someone...anyone!!!
I'm NOT hiding anything...but boy is their dad!! WHY did Jordan say he was going to uncover truth last year ...and then when given the opportunity.... now JORDAN WON'T???
When will my children finally learn the truth??? All in Gods timing I suppose.
Why would anyone not want to uncover truth? If they did, I suppose they would have to see the fact that their dads sole purpose coming to California last year was to do the same thing as always, to harm me out of spite....and again this summer, EVEN says the Family Court Judge who deals with these trials daily....Bernd won't stop at trying to ruin my marriage, ruin my life, and harm me and my children just like he said he would! Jordans dad has so much repenting to do, but he has to turn to God to do this...NOT stalk me ....because he sees my happiness and me in my children...NOT harass me and try his best to ruin MY life.
Jordan knows he is suppose to protect his mother. Please Jordan...help me be protected from those who would harm me. Don't help them and get caught up in their snares!
WHAT did I ever do WRONG to you???
YES PERSONALLY TO YOU!!!
YOU WON'T ANSWER THAT, HUH???
Sadly you only say that you lived with me in a home that was poor and in sad circumstances while I was trying my best to get away from a life of destruction that your father was forcing upon me and your brothers.... NEVER realizing that YOUR FATHER made it that way!
Stop lying to yourself...(does this sound familiar son) Stop weaving your web of lies - They will come back to haunt YOU. You told me to stop falsifying information YET that is exactly what you did to Captain Frost at the Police department...and he NOW has the truth...my deceitful son. Sadly it is YOUR FATHER (YOU) that is being EXPOSED for WHAT you are!! (Sound familiar?)
I NEVER abandoned you or stopped praying for your dad Bernd...NEVER. But that does NOT mean I have to put up with YOUR wickedness!!
OK....WHY would Jordan admit publicly that he will take ON the Evil his dad carries? ???
The EVIL Bernd swore to me that he would NOT carry on when he saw this in his own father's prideful bitterness, and the destruction it brought him. Because Jordan is TOO young to know wisdom and too atheist and prideful to ask the all powerful Holy Ghost, his heart - which reveals truth to all who ask.
When will Jordan finally understand that Bernd even put his own dad in Jail in the 90's by his own deceit! Bernd was quit pleased that he had done this...because he told me that it humbled his dad and that his dad needed it. Maybe Gunther did need humbling because of his extreme greed and pride...but the apple does NOT fall far from the tree...now Jordan is Bernds scapegoat and I worry for Jordan.
Bernd is a dangerous person and anyone associated with him is in danger. (Why?) Because he does not think and pray before he acts and everything he does is about winning for himself...NOT thinking for the good of all. Dozens of family, friends, and business people who either had small brushes with, or bad experiences with him, told me many of these same things throughout my marriage - these exact words - this very thing...and he is even worse NOW.
I wouldn't doubt it that Jordan will have a similar fate IF, IF, IF, he continues to listen to his bitter, pit-digging, atheist father who is so good at covering up and looking so innocent - yet has very devious hidden agendas, so those who are innocent would never detect it. How do I know? I lived with him...I KNOW him....and witnessed this for almost 28 years - HELLO!
I know from 28 years of experience that he always makes sure that the pits he digs for others (others who stand in his way - that he can not use for his selfish purposes).... that BEFORE he falls into it...he'll push an innocent person into it first. Notice I said 'innocent people". I have witnessed this for over 28 years.
Be very careful dear Jordan. I Pray that you will not be next.
There is little wonder why Jordan falsified information to the Campus Police Chief in Illinois in April, and tried his best to harm me, by telling them LIES and saying that I was dangerous !! His own mother who had spent all her money and had traveled far just to tell her son how much she LOVED him....MISSED him...and give him gifts....and to ask him if there was anything he would like to know!!! Offer him truth - like he had asked for....HELLO!!.
That was ALL! Doesn't he feel bad about lying?? Doesn't Jordan care that everyone he knows NOW knows what a big liar he is, and he is NOT to be trusted? Does he really want to create this type of image for himself there on campus?
There is NO DOUBT that his dad would be just fine putting Jordan in dangerous positions, like he did then, AND like he did with his dad Gunther in 1997...just to save his own skin. Bernd told me so!! With his own mouth! He told me he was going to do this to JORDAN....to my children. Bernd told this to Gramps Hatch too...don't just take my word for it.
Jordan should have the strength to stand on his own...get love and courage through God... and live his own life....
Poor thing...I had NO idea that Jordan is so hell bent on the approval of a father figure - that he would jeopardize his own and others lives...just so that he will not find out the TRUTH and have his unhealthy relationship (that he desperately craves to keep) uncovered, or have light shed on it.
He acts so desperate....hummmm...why would a human being do this?....
OOOOOH, I think I know why….
Maybe he hates his dad so much for what Bernd did to Jordan in 2002?
If he really felt differently then Why wouldn't he be helping his dad change, not get into MORE trouble with the law??? That is the important question here!!
AWE...You see....That would include Jordan having to abandon his dad in return for his dad abandoning him!!! That is what the professionals suggest Jordan do, if he wants to mature and have his own identity and form his own opinions. Jordan is too scared to do this; to sensitive to abandonment issues and pain !!!
I never believed in this theory either; that this would be the only solution when dealing with a Sociopath....until I was about to lose my soul and actually die back in the early 2000's while living with a man who was more interested in his “happiness” than in doing what was right. (That would be my ex, of course)
You see, from the outside it appears that everything is somewhat normal to the person being charmed by a Sociopath, or maybe even the person is too weak to withstand the enticing or threats from the Sociopath!
I was being pampered and given everything by Bernd AND the underlying threats by him were way too strong (I thought) for me to be free from them. BUT spiritually the life Bernd provided me and our children was so worldly.... it was surely so that we would lose our souls. EVEN if it was Bernd just following what he “thought” would bring happiness…he was still being deceived and I wonder today if he would ever admit to this?
OK....EVEN IF one was so inclined (like Jordan) to NOT blame his father for his role as the head of the household and ANY of the responsibility of the demise of his created family and it’s destruction....it STILL does NOT take away from the fact that Bernd Hollers household was one which was devoid of the Spirit of God, had worldly destructive practices going on and he lead a secret double life he was living.... and was on a crash course to destruction.... NO MATTER WHO TAKES the blame, this was real and eventually it was headed for disaster! Could have Bernd stopped it…IF he could have seen the outcome? I believe that all depended on his humility and his reliance on God. Did he have any for the many years leading up to our Divorce?
I THINK I now KNOW!!!! ~ Jordan is still so very bitter (b.i.t.t.e.r.) that his dad truly abandoned him for nearly 2 years when he was 10-12 years old! ….and we were begging Bernd to be in Jordan's life, but Bernd told me that his plot to ruin me for leaving him and his worldly choices would include this action of abandonment and working hard on making sure that my home was a failure (were his exact words), so that Jordan (his children) would be desperate for him in the future or when the time came that he decided to come back into their lives... and he could conveniently blame their sufferings (his choices) during those years which made my children suffer...on ME... and Jordan is too young to see or understand this. Also, being boys they will NEVER know the mind of a woman and her reliance on a man to be a righteous head and to lead her into paths of eternal life, not destruction.
NOW, I remember.
Maybe Jordan never got over it. He can't move on! Is this why he is ever thinking of me?!
Do you want to know the REAL REASON Bernd abandoned you Jordan???? There is more to the story than you know!!
Bernd will NEVER tell you the truth about the Main Reason WHY....because it uncovers his business dishonesty…. his acts of hurting innocent people...there are witnesses that are not even associated with me... yes witnesses of this that are NOT even related to me in any way!!!...but I KNOW the real reason why Jordan....I bet you have forgotten WHY...what the circumstances were behind it !!
OH, I know your dad Bernd will NOT tell you the REAL REASON WHY he fled St. George Utah...I dare you to ask him for a "detailed account of Summer 2002" the day he abandoned you and your brothers....(if you are even interested) ....see what kind of answer you get... and then some day when I know that you are sincere, I will be happy to tell you the truth that he will NOT tell you...see for YOURSELF WHO is uncovering and covering the Truth for you.
Ask for this story of WHY he abandoned you back in 2002. It may be what you need, to be free. He did something very wrong and he went into hiding AND revenge mode. I am so sorry that he did that to you…to us. It was what it was…and I tried to not let it happen.
Truth that will set you free from your abandonment issues that I am sure you have, so that you don't have to be controlled by anyone other than the light of Christ inside YOUR heart and soul Jordan.
Someday I will tell you of a person who this person was who was a BIG part of the reason WHY your dad abandoned you back in 2002! A person who you have NEVER met before....someone who was being hurt by Bernd and Terry....
(like I said, IF this info even means anything to you, or if you are even ever interested ....you know where to find me.... and I can tell you the full story...hopefully NOT leaving out any details which will help you piece the puzzle together as to WHY your dad choose to throw you (and all of us), under the bus....BUT until then, I see that you are his bus driver and he is happy that you want to throw us there still !)
A parent is to be honored and respected.....you are clearly his puppet....you say different...you are lying to yourself! I saw how you handled yourself in April. You are NOT maturely thinking on your own and now I am positive I know why........
(Oh MY POOR BOYS... they will need much counseling, but more importantly they will need immense forgiveness and love (especially Jordan) towards their dad... if he is to ever find peace and understanding in his life.)
Today I am happy because I have peace in my life, my life is good and God is blessing me....I cry today, for my son. For the one who was thinking so much about me today and a few Sunday's ago. ?? The one who is somehow tormented by thinking of me.
He just will NOT let me know how I can help him.....but hopefully one day he will come to my profile and read this message....there is still so much to say that I just can NOT write here...he will just have to suffer for NOT knowing truth that is available to him, but he refuses to learn, no strings attached.
So, all I can do is I tell God....
"God, I can NO longer fight FOR him...YOU will have to save him... this boy....I am weary....he hates me....they have all been feed lies....all my boys…they don't believe I love them with all my heart....how can they….they are not a “mother”.
I will keep Hoping they will come home...I won't give up...but I give them over to YOU God. Do for them....what I can NOT."
"You GOD will have to knock sense into them....YOU will have to send the buffetings and storms of life to humble them. I know that You ONLY chasten those you love. I no longer know what to do… to make them believe in my love for them....and especially in YOUR love for them."
"I LOVE YOU SON"....when will you ever believe this? You will NEVER carry a child in your body, and go through horrible suffering pain to bring them life as I did for YOU.... so you may Never know to what depth my love goes for you and your brothers...this I know.
I may get angry at you at times...You may be a huge disappointment for me, and others, due to you listening to LIES from your dad (or others around him) and in NOT following your heart... and giving up on your royal lineage from your mother.
I may NOT “like” your ways... they are against God, against me, against YOUSELF...BUT....that is YOUR fault....you had and have the agency to choose right over wrong!
Take a second and ask yourself this...
"WHY won't I talk to my Mother...WHY ???"
"WHY don't I believe that she DOES care for me and has missed me so deeply and DOES have my best interest at heart? WHY???"
(I dare you to look in the mirror and actually ask yourself this. )
WHY won't you come find out truth like you demanded of me in the fall, when you learned that your dad is a Sociopath...someone with NO feelings of right and wrong? What made you so angry to read this, to learn this?? WHY??
Maybe because that uncovers YOU too ????
WHY do you have so much hate in your heart....YOU are better than this....I KNOW MORE THAN YOU....God knows way more than you....I am your first knowing of "love"....I am your Mother, It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to hate my own flesh and blood...my baby that I gave birth too. Nothing you do will change that...NOTHING!
NO amount of deceit in your brain that you tell yourself that I don't exist, and am NOT your mother, will change that truth or solid fact....are you that ignorant??
I NEVER gave up on you....I never will....Turn your hate into LOVE...I know you can (not for me...but for you)...BUT you can NOT without truth. The Holy Ghost, (the Spirit of God) reveals truth to all…everyone…including YOU.
...the truth will set Jordan, Austin, Jacob, Andrew, Alexander, and all who ask FREE!!! Why do you refuse to hear the truth, Mr. Truth Seeker? Oh, What was the name of your email address you created and used to email my friends...that you deleted????? (uh ha)
I FEEL YOU thinking of me! BUT...Is it to hurt me? Or to set yourself free??
You are connected to me ALWAYS....I NEVER left you....NEVER! Stop believing the lies.....Ask and you shall find...knock and it will be opened to you!
There is so much truth that you can ONLY know by getting it from the heart....the heart of your Mother.....don't wait until you have missed out on so much happiness in life....
A Mother's heart NEVER forgets....you are doing yourself a GREAT disservice by NOT finding out the WHOLE story....or at least many details which your dad is hiding from you!
But....sadly you WANT to believe lies...and alas I can not help you when you do this!
I love you,
whoever is thinking of me this day....God loves you....go to your Heavenly Father and he will give you peace and rest. (and if Bernd reads this BEFORE you - all I can say is Be Aware!)
If you want to be a part of my life, if you want ANSWERS....respect my values, respect my station as your much older and wiser mother who has deep love for you AND you will be welcome to call me!
I did not make a mistake in separating myself from your dad’s Worldly, destructive and Godless home.
I did not make a mistake in marrying a man who literally saved my soul and is there for you and your brothers today.
Your dad did make a terrible, ugly and selfish decision to alienate you and your brothers from their loving mother, me, and this good step-parent, over the many years you were growing up.
Our deep love never has stopped for you ...just because we were kept from showing it to you for a few years...by your selfless Dad!
Frankly I am disappointed that you are not using the wisdom that God blessed you with, to "know" this!! And if you do…grow some courage and prove it.
The most shallow and saddest kind of love on Earth is from the Intellect....You assume you are so much wiser than your loving older wiser mother....???
Use your wise heart instead Jordan!...Forgive those who you "think" (or even know) have hurt you... let go of yours AND your dads demons...( don't you know we can see them???) That doesn’t mean that you ever accept evil into your life by feeling “sorry” for certain people….
Use. Your. Heart.
May you finally find that (more than myself and the others you assume love you combined), that your "Heavenly Father" is the one who truly loves you!
The way you deserve
**Just YOU being related to some of God's finest Souls on this EARTH ...ought to tell YOU something?
YOU are one of Heavenly Father's Choicest Souls...thousands of entities ARE watching YOU...
be aware and ever vigilant, my deeply loved boy....
God bless :)