I prayed many months for his conception because I felt him spiritually before I knew him, and prayed also when he and I would live through a scare that my pregnancy was in trouble in his 8th month of development, when I was in New York and landed in the hospital there, after his dad had me walk all around Manhattan for an entire day and I started to bleed and go into labor.
He and I again almost died at birth when he had to be revived in childbirth and I lost half my blood and nearly hemorrhaged to death at this birth and landed in the nearby hospital where the doctors and nurses were amazed that we both were still alive. (LDS Priesthood Blessing Miracle story)
After raising him most of his youth, this special boy was alienated from me since summer 2004 when his dad forced me to hand over custody of my children to him out of jealously, and in hopes that he could stop or destroy my engagement to a wonderful old LDS friend of his who he knew was someone who could save myself and my children. (him admitting this)
I have some personal stories I would have liked to share with my son Jordan in person, yet his dad is still controlling this adult son and Jordan suffers from sever PAS and is unwilling to have contact with me, so he leaves me no choice but to leave sensitive info here on a public forum for him to hopefully someday in the future read about.
First of all, Jordan is unaware of the fact that while I was married to his dad, Mr. Holler, I had alone prayed for a child (Jordan) for many months before I was able to conceive him. At that time his dad did not want children with me, because (as I later discovered) he was being unfaithful throughout our marriage, and he had projected this image onto me, thinking I was unfaithful instead,.... AND Jordan's dad was actually being unfaithful with our next door neighbor Pam and her daughter, there in our neighborhood of Mission Viejo on Bristlecone St.
(he actually told me about his sexual affair in 2000, shortly before we divorced later in 2001.)
My marriage was almost dissolved one year earlier in 1990, due to Mr. Hollers unfaithfulness, and his projection that it was I that was the unfaithful one for becoming close friends with a neighbor at the same time when his secret involvement in Porn was uncovered and admitted by him.
Thankfully because of the recent encouragement of others to seek TRUTH today, I've recently come to the awareness (an awakening) and to terms that it was HE, Mr. Holler, that was unsure of our union at Jordan's conception and he (unknown to me) hesitated to have another child with me due to his unfaithful actions over the previous years and especially at that time.
This is finally all now coming clear to me, now that after years of divorce I am willing to acknowledge and talk about Mr. Hollers unfaithfulness throughout our relationship.
OK, I wanted to tell Jordan about this in private BUT he leaves me no choice in the matter.
hummm...Then Mr. Holler began to have his own secretive fling behind my back with our neighbor in 1991 in Mission Viejo. It was not until recently that I have actually admitted that all the signs were there. I just was too innocent, in love with my children, and naive at the time to know the truth.
So, at that time, when I was 8 months pregnant with Jordan, Jordans dad planned a trip to New York (Manhattan) I was excited to go but was a little worried about being so far along in my pregnancy, but Mr. Holler talked me into it.
Little did I know that Mr. Holler's projection of his unfaithfulness onto me, was deep in his mind, mainly because of his own sexual affairs and the filth he had been into from before and after we were married up to that time, and he actually thought that because I had been close friends with our neighbors for a few short months during his unfaithfulness (and I had felt something was wrong in our relationship and had God encouraging me to move on from the wickedness Mr. Holler was bring into our home shortly before this), that I WAS UNFAITHFUL like him!
I could NEVER figure out "why" he was so upset about my close (respectful) relationship with our neighbors the Acosta's. He KNEW that I had NOT had a sexual affair!! He knew that I respected the Acosta's and that my love for them was purely a Godly love!!!!!
So WHY his TOTAL lack of faith and belief in me and our marriage....OH, HELLO!!!!!!!
Only NOW today am I POSITIVE that he wondered whose child I was pregnant with, even though I had NOT sleep with anyone other than him my entire life.
This truth, at the time, NEVER entered my innocent mind. Even after years of being divorced!!!
I was very faithful to my sacred marriage which I had honored up to this time (1992) regardless of all the unfaithfulness my husband was into from 1984 (when we met) up until TODAY, and I was very naive to!
Throughout the next 10 years of his unfaithfulness I would NOT know WHY he was so doubtful/mistrusting of our marriage until I have over the years I have slowly uncovered his real self...not my incorrect "innocent -faithful" projection I have of placed on Mr. Holler, due to my real nature!!!!
I did NOT know about Mr. Hollers unfaithfulness... other than his involvement in unholy activity when he admitted to myself and our Bishop in Placentia that he had been bringing Porn secretively into our home during the first few years of our marriage and during the time when we had meet the Acosta's and we were all friends.
(Having great respect for the covenants I had made before God and our marriage, I believed Mr. Holler's lie that he would never do that again, so I stayed in the marriage).
Call me an idiot...but I don't care what you say...but first try being very naive and sheltered and living with a Sociopath who can talk circles above you and see what you say then...
I also did not know that Mr. Holler had slept with other women BEFORE we were married. I was too naive AND I was a faithful wife and did NOT see the warning signs until years later.
(p.s. It wasn't his past that I have ever judged him on, we all are NOT perfect, but his lies and deceit that is and was so appalling!)
(Being innocent and shy and naive, I didn't even know WHAT warning signs even were.....HELLO)
Being faithful myself, there was no way I could project anything other than faithfulness and righteousness onto him, since this is all I am and was!
Ok, so, I was told by Jordan's dad that I would be fine in New York in 1992, but then when we were there, Mr. Holler walked me and walked me and walked me all over Manhattan. He forced me to walk to near exhaustion. That night when he was gone for a long time and I began to worry, he later came back to our hotel room and I was so upset at him for being gone for soooo long! He finally admitted to tell me about some prostitutes he ran into outside our hotel room while he was out on his own. I was furious .....and now I even wonder about what really happened?
That next morning I woke up to bleeding (hemorrhaging) and had to be rushed down to Stoneybrook hospital there in Long Island. I was in labor! Thankfully the labor subsided and I was told I should go home to CA. right away and to be on bed rest. It was a real scare. I told my husband that I needed to go home and how I was worried that I would go into labor on the plane.
My husband told me that he would NOT cut his trip short and that I would be fine and that he planned on finishing his trip. I had faith that his intentions were not bad, and I had NO choice in the matter so I stayed too.
I now remember that Mr. Holler then continued to go to many museums where he knew that I was unable to walk them all day as he did, but still he would do them, and encourage me to do them also, and I would again end up bleeding that night and again nearly landing in the hospital again and again that week.
I was thankful for the day we flew home and I was very nervous that I would go into labor on the plane like over the last few days, yet thankfully this did not happen and I then rested from that trip. I also had an ultra sound to find out if the baby was ok. I did not know until later that all this activity had made some of the placenta detach and would soon be the cause of me almost dying!
Hindsite now that I am much older and wiser, I see that this was a very foolish trip and I am sure that Jordan's dad would have been fine if I had lost this pregnancy.
At that time, myself being very faithful and naive, I did not know that Jordan's dad thought that I had been unfaithful due to his extreme projecting of his dishonest immorality (sleeping around) onto me!
That explains MUCH, now that I can revisit the past and see many of his actions and KNOW that this is why he did much of what he did at that time. He probably wondered IF Jordan was his baby at all, or maybe Jordan's father was our good friends Brother Acosta's? (in his heart he knew he was not, but his own dishonest unfaithfulness played a huge part in how Mr. Holler behaved over the next 20 years!!
At that time we had decided to have a home birth with Jordan. When I went into labor Oct. 10th in the evening I labored in our Jacuzzi spa tube outside in the backyard which was wonderful. I finally gave birth to Jordan shortly after Midnight on the 11th, 1992.
When he came out he was blue! The midwife was concerned that he had swallowed a lot of amniotic fluid in his lungs and was in danger. The mid-wife had to suction and suction out his lungs. (I have video of this) We were very much concerned about him breathing. It was a good 20 minutes of watching and working on this little boy and trying to make sure he lived, while we were all ignoring my needs, not realizing that I was hemorrhaging and soon about to die!
After Jordan was finally breathing and pinking up, we all were relieved. I then told everyone that I felt very faint and tired and that I needed to sleep. I then went unconscious. Mr. Holler later told me that everyone looked my direction to see me lying in a large pool of blood!
Mr. Holler froze and told the midwife that he was going to call his home teachers. He was told by the mid-wife to call the Ambulance right away first! He then called our home teachers and they came and gave me a LDS Priesthood Blessing which miraculously stopped the hemorrhaging before the fire truck, ambulance, and EMT trucks arrived and rushed me down to Saddleback Hospital.
Like I had said, the doctors and nurses and EMT were all amazed that I had not died and they said that by miracle the bleeding had to have stopped shortly before the EMT's arrived. (?!?!?)
My doctor had decided to try a new procedure and give me IV's of saline and watch me very closely over the next 24 hours. I recovered quickly over the next two weeks building up my own blood supply instead of getting the normal blood transfusion.
More bad news, I was told (shortly before Jordan was born) by my husband, that he had decided NOT to put his name on Jordan's birth certificate. When asked "why", he told me that he did not want to be tied to the government. At that time he had been taking classes in Anti-government and said that he felt that he did not want the baby to be connected to him. The mid-wife told us that she would fill one out anyway since it was the law and that she would have to put my name on it but could leave his off. Mr. Holler told her that would be fine.
Hindsight, now I see that my husbands unfaithfulness, his lack of connection to this child made him all that more into not being a part of Jordan's birth certificate. Thus Jordans original cert. does NOT have his fathers name on it.
As far as Mr. Holler is concerned and what he has told others is that Jordan is NOT his child, based on the fact that he pretends to believe that I was sleeping with Brother Acosta, at that time that he was so unfaithful in our marriage.
NO WONDER it was so easy for him to abandon Jordan for the many years that he did when we first divorced and I begged for him to STAY in the lives of his children and that I would NOT interfere in those relationships out of respect. I was totally confused at his behavior!! who does that to their own children?... I would ask myself
NO WONDER he did NOT have a connection with his children. Family members and myself used to be confused as to why Mr. Holler had this behavior.
NO WONDER TODAY Jordan is desperate to keep what little relationship he has NOW with his father. He feels that if it makes his dad happy... to hear that he (Jordan) hurts his mother...his dad will be happy with him!
It was shortly after this, 1993, that Mr. Holler moved myself and our two children up to the state of Utah where we could live, and he could run his business and double life in California without us. Others tried to tell me of the wicked lifestyle he was into, but I would NOT listen or believe them.
Shortly after this, Mr. Holler fell away from any stable doctrine and going to the LDS church. He began to use alcohol, drugs, cheat the government, get fake drivers license, felt he was above ALL authority and live a double life down in CA. etc.
He began to do many dishonest things to which I witnessed only a small portion of, but did not know the full extent of it. It wouldn't be until much later that others would begin to tell me more of the full story, once I was out of my horrible marriage and others began to tell me their stories!
I did not want to believe it, yet I began to see more and more of it. More and more was told me by others. This is when one of his affairs was uncovered by the very woman he was involved with, when she came to my face and told me everything.
Even about his drug use, still I did not want to believe I was married to someone she described. Bluffing him one day I was able to uncover a small portion of his unfaithfulness but having small children I still could not afford to do anything about it. I was still in MUCH denial.
I was trying on many occasions to help Mr. Holler change, or at least if God prompted, to end our destructive relationship over the next few years, yet Mr. Holler had soon learned that my happiness and accepting of his wicked lifestyle lie within my desperate concern and great love for my children.
He learned that in order to keep me a captive, all he had to do was supply me with more children, security for my current ones, and/or use his threats to hurt my children to get me to comply, behave, and stay to accept his worldly wicked choices. (talking and talking and manipulating me to even participate in a small portion of it, to which I was against yet this afforded him to continue in his destructive lifestyle)
Soon, during Andrews pregnancy, he was even as bold to admit that this was how he had manipulated me thus far.
Some day when Jordan learns these things - I do not tell him these things to hurt his image of his dad but to wake him up to NOT be fooled by those who could hurt him. I pray with all my heart that Mr. Holler has changed and that he is not the cold, calculating, manipulative, controlling, individual that he was with me for 20 years.
Yet I do not see a change so far....yes, I am hoping that others have. Although I pray for Mr. Holler's welfare, I know that not having him in my life is the best safety and blessing I have yet experienced.
I just want others to be aware of these things, so that they can make decisions on their own. I do not want Jordan or others under Mr. Hollers influences to be trained or become heartless, cold persons like he is famous for turning them into. I came very close to loosing my soul entirely!
I am witnessing that my children already have major psychological issues due to the PAS they have been forced to live with.
I am so so sorry. I pray for their welfare daily! If they will not turn to forgiveness and God, Jordan and his brothers will need much counselling I am positive.
Just the fact that I have told this publicly is going to raise many more questions in their minds. Hopefully not confusion. If they are brave enough to ask me those questions in person, I will gladly answer them. Otherwise they will just live with what they do know and understand at their level.
As you see, I have lost much trust in my children, because they do not have respect for the parent who truly deeply loves you....
- not deceitfully pampers them and/or works hard to hide the truth... (or the genuine love from one of their parents, such as I, who has their best interest in mind and which would bring them freedom) ...from them!
Although I would love the chance to bless them with not only this genuine love, but also with much fun and gifts etc. that they humbly deserve.
Sadly, They are still under a sever alienator's influences and I ask all of you, my family and friends, to pray for these boys.
Regardless, due to PAS they are suffering for the past 8 years, I have an understanding why they are doing what they are doing and can forgive them.
Not accept their bad behavior, but at least truly forgive them.
As Jesus once said "Father, Forgive them...they know NOT what they are doing"!
So Jordan my son, yes sometimes the VERY bridge we burn is the one we must cross in the future....Here's hoping you're a "very good" bridge builder!
BE Valiant, and Choose The Right!
Your dad does NOT need to be "protected or defended" by you.
His request for you to alienate me is his desire that you never learn the ugly truth about him.
and why NOT?
Out of jealousy of you and your brothers, he is clearly showing that IF he chooses to be stubborn, and to not repent, that he wants NO ONE to do this either, including you, and that you suffer with him, making the same mistakes in life, hurting others or better yet, you are spiritually destroyed.
You've heard that misery loves company?
Jordan, you and your brothers deserve better!