My dearest Jordan Taylor Holler, as I type this message out…I can’t help but feel that this message would be better served as a video message. You see, all I have is “love” in my heart and I would not want you to read this letter with any kind of malice coming from yours, and then portray it upon my words and further add any confusion or misunderstandings you may have about me or for me.
My nickname is Lisa, this is the name my Mother uses…not you….to you I am mom, mother, mommy, etc…but if you like you may call me Mrs. Acosta if you would like to forget that you were actually a child once with a loving mother who changed your diapers, breast feed you, rocked you in the middle of the night and kissed each booboo yada yada yada…if I could have done more, I would have done it ten times over for YOU. Not being a parent yourself…you don’t know about this…do you?
Many years have passed since you and I had contact (and any sort of a relationship) so how in the world could I expect you to understand almost anything I am about to tell you, or would hope you would comprehend? Not to mention the fact that I am almost 3 times older than you…I am your mother…you are not mine…and you have not lived my life and you do not know most of anything of my life.
As I ponder the things that you wrote, (after you read about Alex’s life in going to the LDS Church), taking into consideration of who you are, and who you have been raised by…how can I not understand where you are coming from? I know you…maybe better than you know yourself…I’ve known’ you “longer” than you’ve known yourself! Imagine that….
There is so much (and many things) that you would or should like to know…so much that you would be amazed about…that I would like to share with you…that would bring success and happiness into your life…yet you claim you are my enemy?….so how can I (without hurting myself and other innocent people) tell you all you need to know? I know you don’t trust me...how can I blame you? I wouldn’t trust me from your point of view either. That is why “God” (not me) will be and “is” your greatest source of truth!! NOT ME.
You say that you ARE your father. Your father has many good qualities…so I hope you mean that you have adopted these “good” qualities, because I know you are not literally him. Thank you for the warning.
When I married your father Bernd…I looked ONLY on his good qualities, felt “sorry” for him, and blocked out the warnings from God on the “red flags” about Bernd Holler. He was “good” to me, I “needed” what your father had to offer in my life so I blocked God out most of the time. Bernd told me many twisted truths that could easily turn into lies which could easily manipulate me…many things he knew I wanted to hear…and hid many things from me. I being very naïve, believed them all hook line and sinker. My heart tried to warn me many times…I didn’t listen. I believed “religion” would save or change Bernd and him having this in our marriage would keep it holy.
So after our Temple marriage, Austin was born under the LDS covenant. (look it up?) Spiritually he came to earth knowing all about Bernd and myself, and the LDS faith. God promising me that Austin would be a great mediator. How?…no clue.
Bernd received a special priesthood blessing around this time called a “patriarchal” blessing from a very spiritual man who could see right through Bernd and his spirit. Bernd recalls this special blessing…ask him to tell you about it someday…you’ll be amazed. This man told Bernd of Bernd’s great faith and how “Satan” was very keenly aware of him and that if Bernd was not super duper careful he could easily be drawn to the dark side. It told of much more. Ask him to show it to you….it really was an insight to his life and he loved it.
After Austin was born, my heart drew close to God for the miracle child placed in my arms and the responsibility I had to raise him righteously, a new awakening happened inside of me. I came to realize the immense desire to raise him in a Godly spirit filled home. Oh, but wait… Bernd was only interested in his worldly desire to become filthy and selfishly rich. He was not afraid to admit this. Is this what God had been warning me of before I had married Bernd? Mind you, that I believe that if you put God 1st in your life he can and will bless you with riches. You can be wealthy, humble and Godly. I am not against having money.
Bernd spent very little time with Austin and I and our marriage began to separate…not because we were not trying but because we had different spiritual goals. We were ok partners due to my extreme belief that your dad was a good person…but we were NOT eternal companions! This, I know, makes very “little” sense to you or anyone listening…but it is the truth and without blaming anyone or the someone being the “bad” person…it just was what it was. I was completely unaware of the porno movies Bernd was bringing into our home without me knowing.
It was at this time that we met the Acosta family. I immediately recognized Brother Acosta’s righteous desires to serve the Lord before any other earthly desire. Not only that, but I recognized him from the “pre-existence”. That means from before I was born on this earth. This is very real and maybe someday you will meet someone like this too.
I was impressed and saw a righteous priesthood holder honor his calling and immediately had great admiration for Brother Acosta. There was no sexual affair between us, like your father tells others. In fact, your father admitted that he sensed his own lacking in being a righteous head of house and begged for forgiveness and promised to be a better father. So, I believed him and we stayed together.
Then soon I felt a spirit boy began to visit me. I could not see him with my eyes, but his presence was real. He was in the room with me and I felt him and knew in my heart that he wanted to come to earth. I asked Bernd if we could try for another baby. He said No. I began to pray and within a few months of prayer, to soften Bernds heart, he said we could try. This baby was you Jordan.
You did not want to be born until fall, so I became pregnant with you in January 1992. You knew about my unstable marriage with Bernd as a spirit child. You knew about my great admiration and respect for Brother Acosta and my love for the gospel of Jesus Christ BEFORE you came. I am not a “Jesus Freak” like you will find in many churches that are NOT LDS…you knew this. Like Austin…you were born under the LDS (Mormon) covenant.
After you were born, Bernd wanted NO MORE children. He was through…I had faith that God would be in charge…and sure enough he was and I was immediately pregnant with Michael.
At that time Bernds and I were surrounded by many false doctrines and he was happy to be rid of religion in our lives so when given the opportunity he immediately had us excommunicated from the LDS church. Mainly due to the fact that by not following most of the religious zelots in our town he was more interested to be rid of any religion in his life. The crazy thing is, I could hardly believe he was more than happy to give up the entire LDS faith altogether since it did not fit into his busy schedule and mainly since it had been a circus over the past few months in the Manti area. I naively and very pregnantly followed his lead and felt God would somehow have to help me eventually figure this all out. I knew this was wrong but hind site is 20/20, now that I see that maybe God was helping me out of a sure fire destructive marriage and it was better that I was not held accountable for spiritual downfall Bernd was leading me into.
Then immediately few months later, Michael died at birth a few months later…it was a shock and we both felt our marriage was over. I told Bernd that I needed to be separated from him. Bernd spent days and weeks convincing me to stay. I was terribly confused, and could not care for my children on my own and felt threatened to stay in the marriage due to Bernd’s underlying threat to hurt me and my children if I ever left him and his using me for sex. I knew that if I ever told him that I would not have sex with him that our marriage would blow up into a horrible divorce so I convinced myself to let Bernd talk me into his worldly and destructive life choices just for the peace he offered. My heart knew better but I was at his mercy and I only wanted peace and I was still so very weak against his persuasiveness and controlling abuse especially while being pregnant and with many small babies.
I told him I would stay in the marriage if he would grant me a child. My arms were empty from the death of Michael and Bernd knew I loved children with all my heart and knew that this is what would make me stay at all costs even through any wickedness he would bring into our marriage or home and what he was about to heap upon me and our home.
Jacob was then conceived and Bernd began to have an affair secretly with a woman named Lori Pinckney. She told me about it. At first I was shocked…then I actually felt great peace and happiness for Bernd that he had found someone that he truly deeply loved since I had never felt this from him, and I saw that I could not be the woman he deserved. I could not open that spiritual side of Bernd. We could have had the best of the best of marriages but the soul connection was NOT there.
…but then my low self esteem of being pregnant made me give Bernd the ultimatum of either her or me…and of course it made more sense to keep me even though he tried his best to convince me to let him have both of us! No thanks! I was pregnant and NOT in the position to leave the marriage as shocked as I was. When I asked God about the timing of Jacobs birth and my very unstable marriage and Bernds desire to NOT have this child, God told me in prayer that he would care for Jacob and that Jacob had a spiritual father that God would bring into his life someday and to not worry about things. Guess who that is…Hello!
When Jacob was born, the VERY next day Bernd began to invite other women into our marriage. Yes the very next day!!!!! He asked my sister Susanne to be his wife and my cousin Tammy to be his wife while we were still married. I was too weak to fight him, literally! They both said no.
With all this blowing up in his face he began to be bolder in his quest to get more women and sex, and not use “religion” to gain his desires like he had just then. He also began to drink alcohol and began to smoke marijuana. He had illegal guns and ammunition. He was cheating people financially left and right. He was doing many illegal activities like getting a false drivers license under that name of Mark Snyder so that he could not pay for traffic tickets. I have proof of all of this and I could have put him in jail many times over but I haven’t. He defrauded the IRS over and over of his obligation. I was so scared for his safety and his dishonestly while I was trying to keep our family together, hoping that he would change like he promised every year.
Every time I fought him on these dishonest things he would spend days on convincing me to join him and how right he was…or my life would be made a living hell by him. He was too powerful over me and my children. I had no escape. He had spent years on alienating my family from me. They were not there for me…I had NO WHERE to turn and this is exactly what Bernd wanted to keep me a prisoner. I would have never believed it if he had not confessed it one day.
I became pregnant with Andrew on Birth control. I was shocked but not really since before I became pregnant I felt God ask me if I would like another child. I said, “but God, what about Bernd not wanting another child, he does not bond with Jacob, he can’t stand Austin…why would you bring a child into a marriage that is destine to fail? Who would be a righteous father for this child?” God said, do not worry I have a spiritual father for this child…are you willing to bring this child into the world…I said “YES, God you know that I love children. They are intelligent individuals and are yours, and I am honored to be their mother. Thy will be done”…and three weeks later I found that I was pregnant with Andrew!!
At this time we were still living in Manti and my friend Lori (Bernds affair) began to confide in me that because she was a convert to the LDS faith that she knew many worldly things that my sheltered life was not letting me see about my husband Bernd. Plus, remember she was the one that got to know the real Bernd maybe even more than I ever had at that point. She knew him. She began to tell me things about Bernd. I did not want to believe her. I brushed them off and didn’t want to believe that I was so naïve and Bernd so deceitful.
So, one day I decided to “bluff” Bernd and I told him that I knew “things” about him. He turned white…that was my answer… and than he confessed many things to me.
He finally admitted to me that he was not a virgin when we were first married, like he had lied to me about. This did not make me hate him or even dislike him. It did not make me look down on him. I did not care for him less as a child of God. It did not change my mind about our marriage. The only thing it did DO for me was made me less “stupid” to life and my gut instincts. My mind was not being blinded any longer, so I found I could follow my heart more easily! I still had faith that Bernd would do the right thing, but now I was not so easily lied to!
During one conversation between Bernd and I when I had told Bernd that my heart was leading me to leave our marriage since I needed God in my life (not crazy religious doctrine…I told you I am not a religious or Jesus freak). I needed truth, the Holy Ghost, the priesthood power of God, just like my father had in our home and I had felt all my life growing up with a spiritual and Godly father in my youth.
You know what Bernd said to me? “You would never leave me…you know why? Because you’re pregnant and when you are pregnant, you are always too insecure to leave”.
A light went off in my head…now I knew why Bernd had been ok about me being pregnant again and again…even if he did not want another child in our lives!!
I was deeply saddened by his deceit.
I soon began to have strong strong promptings to leave our marriage…I did not know what to believe any longer but having faith in God I left and moved up to SLC for a week when Andrew was only a baby. Bernd cried and begged for me to stay in the marriage promising with all his heart that he would become a righteous man…someone who he was not.
I fell for it hook line and sinker and with 4 children I could not fight him and within a few months he was back to who he was and this time (unbeknownst to me) with a vengeance (or ax to grind).
I told him that I would not have another child with him so eventually he went to go get a vasectomy. Soon after this, SURPRISE, I became pregnant with Alex and the doctor that had done the vasectomy wrong (and he knew about it doing it wrong, but for some unknown miracle he said that he did not know “why” he didn’t tell us about this crazy weird mix-up admitted it all!!
Bernd was livid…I was so confused. I didn’t want another pregnancy but I loved children and accepted this child. Bernd wanted me to abort the pregnancy…I didn’t feel that it was “me” to do such a thing. I was “for” life NOT against it.
So with a very difficult pregnancy and a miracle that both he and I did not die…Alex was born. Bernd ignored this child altogether and had an outright dislike for his very presence. It broke my heart to see.
Bernd began to bring more and more filth into our home. Drugs, alcohol, sex, porno, swinging, dirty magazines, parties etc. He had a long fingernail for cocaine.
I drown myself in my children so as to NOT be aware of my spirit dying!!
I then actually feel in love with a family friend because I was desperate to get out of the pure wickedness that was in our home. Bernd saw my need to leave and instead of accepting this he began to talk me into swinging so that I would not leave him. I told him that this activity was NOT me and that I wanted out of the marriage. I actually left for 6 weeks and moved into a home in St. George where we had been living for 3-4 years by then.
I felt my life dying….my spirit or light of Christ was dying inside…I needed to leave Bernds home at all costs.
I had become worldly and in turn had made me courageous. I had the fight within me “finally” to go against a very cruel, and evil enemy.
Bernd declared “war” on me and I even at one point had to threaten that I was on my way to get a restraining order against him and his wickedness. He swore with a demonic voice that he was going to destroy my posterity! It was not his voice but a voice from hell and it frightened me so much that I turned around and gave into his threats and came back to the marriage. I again had to become worldly for a few short months while I gained enough courage to leave him again this time for good.
By this time he was heavy into sex and drugs…even taking you Jordan and Austin to drug and sex retreats where people ran around nude and were doing drugs and free sex.
I was very concerned for all of my children.
I told Bernd one last time that I was leaving and within a few short days he and (the still married at that time) Terry were dating and plotting against me and my children on how they were going to keep Everything I owned!
They admitted it to me!! THAT’S how naïve I was…I just couldn’t believe Bernd would do that to his own flesh and Blood! and then when he was financially devastating me and I began to tell others about this he was so furious that he quickly “abandoned” you and your brothers!!!!!!!!
I begged him to co-operate. I begged him to co-parent.
He would have NOTHING to do with me or you. He would NOT pay his child support. I did NOT touch his business or income. I begged him to have a relationship with his children…he would NOT, NOT even You!
I began to see that his life with me had been a complete lie...It even took me years after this to witness many of his actions to finally see this... and believe that I had been that completely deceived! When we divorce, your dad Bernd began to (within days)....do things that were completely opposite of who I had believed was the real him...he had lead me to believe he was a good person by his own choice.... but I quickly learned that many, many, many things that he had done while living with me (that appeared to make me believe he had good qualities and were the real him) were really only a "facade".
His plan to destroy you and your brothers (and me, if not just to at least make me suffer) now was to do things to us to make my home a living hell at all costs for you and your brothers, so that he could then turn around eventually and ‘blame” it all on ME as being the one who was responsible for making your life so hard and difficult, creating a hated in your hearts for me!
Did it work? Have you banned me out of your life?
The reason why I believe my children do NOT have free will is because I lived with your dad for 17 years and he is quite talented in taking a persons "free agency" away. Hind site is 20/20. Must be why I had a dream a few days into our marriage where I saw vividly that my ex died a spiritual death. It was so vivid and real !! I told Bernd about this dream...ASK him to tell you about it.
That vision freaked me out but I did not heed it's warnings....I did not want to think about what appeared to be something "sad"...and by then I was deep under my husbands control and couldn't afford the backlash of investigating its meaning, I was too naive ....now I think differently....AFFORD AFFORD!!! Now you, his adult children, are forced or brainwashed or believe to carry on his grudge...Just terrible!!!
OK, are you a liar Jordan? Saying that I was having sex with a different man every night? Come on, no one would believe that crazy non-sense. That is extremely far fetched and an outright lie... BUT I did date an lds man after my divorce (really in hopes to re-marry a righteous man but forgetting that it was ONLY God that would lead me to someone that was suppose to be my husband) and I do agree…sex with anyone outside of marriage commitment is totally wrong!!!! This is what will kill the spirit of God in a persons heart faster than lightening and your dad knew this!I WAS doing things that were wrong, taught by your dad, of course Jordan, because I was still into the worldly things that Bernd had made apart of me, while we were together and newly divorced, and unknowingly I had been convinced by your dad that the immoral activity that he had talked me into was without consequences.
Hindsight (looking back) I did appear mentally ill to you because your dad was extrememly abusive...I had allowed your dad to mold me to be that person for his sick needs...trusting him. I know now without a doubt it was to destroy me as he had admitted, and I was now on the road to a slow recovery and so very confused because he had convinced me to NOT ever go to God...that there was NO God...and a person was a fool to believe in a God ...and while it took years for Bernd to mold me into this worldly woman...it was slowly going to take me years to change back to the "real" me! I am so, so sorry that you and your brothers had to suffer through this, but hopefully it made you strong too!
You see I had the courage to do what was right finally from learning how to "FIGHT" for my life. That is what lead me to separate from lies I had been living!!! This is why I am sure I was a Bitch (being so much like a man) instead of being the "mother" so tender as you were used to and deserved... but hindsight it is the only thing that gave me the will to move forward in the right direction back to God and NOT to be persuaded by your dad....I was going back to being a God fearing, humble and submissive woman.
Through much heartache I finally would one day see that I HAD TO...HAD TO... let go and trust in God to guide my life...back to being a God fearing, humble and submissive woman. Guess what?...the day this finally did happen there in Mentone in 2004, Bernd was "instantly" back in the picture fighting and screaming and cursing and on a rampage again now instantly the day that he saw that I had allowed God to entered the picture and God was helping us!!!!!!!!!!!
Doesn't this tell you anything?
(Do you remember this?...if not, you can always ask me more about the story later)
While I was divorce, Bernd threatened to “sue” anyone who would financially help us. I begged him to NOT make me go to the Church and State for help with food since it was his responsibility…even if he had only wanted to be responsible for you and Austin (which wasn't the case) even that was a lie....he wanted all of us to die…that is how wonderful your father is! I was caring for 5 active children day and night ALONE and he would tell others what a loser I was for NOT working outside of the home so that in turn you would be left to raise yourselves ALONE…Hello!!!??? I was even going to the church welfare on many of my days to work at the food bank so that we could have food in the house. That's how bad your father Bernd made us live....he totally abandoned us. What an evil worldly man!!!
Friends of his would come to me and tell me “Bernd wants me to forge documents so that he can reduce his child support payments to a bare minimum…but I told him no, I won't do that dishonest thing”. I have witnesses.
He would not pay for any medical or dental for you and the state had to go after him to get him to pay for it! He would forge documents and lie about many things just to make sure he wouldn’t care for you! He was systematically destroying me and my children and he admitted to it!!!
His actions spoke volumes on how much he disliked Jacob, Andrew and Alex but you wouldn’t know this would you…YOU were his favorite child….and most pampered by him…I wonder why?
Think hard Jordan.
If a man swears destruction of his own children (YOU) and for years he has proven that everything he has done and is doing is proving this to be true…don’t you think that it would go to show that he is a sure proof bet that what actions he does with you might very well be to YOUR demise!!
What is the difference between him and I JORDAN?
I do NOT say…come follow ME. I say, follow YOUR heart…find God and follow his gentle promptings. God is the only one to trust…NOT man, not me.
Bernd say’s “come follow ME!!!” “Be me…You are me!!!”
Hello…get a clue?
First clue…I (Lisa) am not asking you to Trust ME!!
Second clue…If I wanted to destroy Austin then my best bet would to be that because I see that he is so “obedient” I would have to raise him without God or truth, so that he would go astray and get into worldly things like being too sympathetic towards gays, etc…(since he is so easy kind) and this lack of knowledge that he was born into and was ‘supposed to have grown up with” would conveniently keep truth away from him. Easy Peasy.
Now, to destroy Jordan…if I wanted to destroy Jordan…well, he is a very spiritual boy…NOT religious…so I know what to do with him, drown him in religion. Yes, shove it down his throat and send him to a boarding school like Mooseheart where he HAS to go to a “secular” dogmatic church every week to the point where he wants to puke …and in turn he would not get NEAR religion ever again….that way if he even hears of the “Mormons” he will associate it with his horrible experience he had with his worldly indoctrination of religion shoved down his throat and assume that it is the same and RUN from any truth they or something similar may have to bring “light” and “knowledge” to him for his safety. Done.
Jacob and Andrew…well, lets see….they have never been technically wanted by Bernd from the day they were conceived. He even didn’t want them to go live with him right before he took them in 2004, but Lisa could not take the chance that it was a legal trick so she could not let them stay and now he “looks’ like the hero to them… so lets convince them that NOW they areBernds favorites…so that after all the horrible stories he feeds them for years, mind you YEARS they will say “who, what, where”….HELL who in their right mind would want to go live with the wicked witch of the East…duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They do not know the truth…Easy Peasy!
Now to destroy Alex…crap, well he listens to God so he is a lost cause for Bernd and his plans, right? So, Lets see…lets ship him off to the ONLY family who will take him. Howard and Diana Hatch…Diana the one person who doesn’t like Lisa and will make sure that this child NEVER sees his mother …or brothers!! Then Let’s threaten the HELL out of them to make sure that they see to it that he never even speaks to his mother or his brothers, just in case he is able to tell them truths that will set them free.
Ringing any bells yet??? Holy Cow…..
Jordan…Do you know my side of the story as to how a RO was put out on your dad Bernd? Oh that’s right…let’s not ask me my side of the story! Here’s a tid bit…Did you know that Bernd LIED to a Judge in Utah and told him that Alex was in ‘danger’ and that is how he was able to have an emergency order to go pick up Alex when that was the furthest thing from the truth! Alex was fine, happy, and well. Bernd then went to the school and skipped the front office in search of Alex in order to kidnap him (yes it is called kidnapping when a child is happy and secure in their environment for years and an estranged parent comes to take them unknown to that child and the whole family Knowingly without a court order from California to pick up Alex.…yes he was there to kidnap….no? was the emergency order just a lie then? HELLO.
Then Bernd barged into our home that same day…uninvited (5 witnesses) (care to ask any of them? probably not) and claimed he was serving, that’s right “unservable” documents!!!!!!!! The cops just looked at him like “what planet is this guy from”. If he truly didn’t mean malice in his heart, why didn’t he talk to us in a non-hostile way?
Later we had a long talk to these two officers about Bernd and his current actions, and they admitted that 100% of both of our stories are completely, completely, completely different or opposite…someone is lying!
I said to them “duh, you think?” and then I proceeded to tell them the truth. They demanded that I go get a restraining order. I did nothing but tell the Judge the truth and I was so sad that Bernd refuses to just communicate with us! He came to our home to attack us…not talk as civilized people. He has tried to put US in jail…when it is HE that is lucky we have never revealed all his dishonest activity and put him in jail.
He KNOWS we are loving and only wanting what is fair to all…why can’t he be that way too? That’s because he takes our kindness for weakness.
Why won’t he sit down with us and talk as adults…we have always been this way…why won’t he be mature?
When I saw Jacob and Andrew in court I wanted so badly to tell them “I love you and miss you…how are you?” BUT Bernd was not allowing them to even look at me…he had threatened many times over that he would hurt me if I talk to them…so I was just grateful TO SEE THEM…believe me…I was in shock!
Could I have done more?…NO…in front of me they were being told I am a piece of crap for not even acknowledging them that day…Yes, I actually heard T telling Andrew…”oh, how sad, how sad”…What is sad? That they came to attack us?
What the !@$@$!%^! I was there to protect Alex because he was happy with us and Bernd had abandoned him for years even with us begging him over the years to be a father to Alex…and then to see my other children forced to stare at the floor and told repeatedly in their ear…what a piece of crap I was….when a few feet away I was telling Alex “look there are your brothers…go hug them…go love them…tell them how much you miss them.
There is so many things I could tell you Jordan…things that may even save your life Jordan….why would anyone want to ignore these things?
If you see me as a liar…than I am a liar…yes everyone lies in this world…but is it to protect, as in the story of Abraham did to save his wifes life?…or does a person lie to deceive and destroy others lives or get gain out them. Believe me…what do I gain by having YOU in my life? Oh yea…more reasons to spend our money on more “ungrateful” children? Do you think it is a “breeze to raise teenagers…hell no. And besides…I would think that it is the person who claims they “never” lie…who is the biggest liar there is?
Bernd may be a great father to you and no matter how “wonderful” our marriage “appeared” on the outside (since we choose to get along as friends) it still ended up being a disaster because we ignored God and the spiritual warnings of living a worldly life that brings sure destruction no matter what your name is!!…. he was a HORRIBLE husband to me! AND he knows it…I DARE you to ask him what kind of husband he was!!
He knows what glorious gifts I have to bestow upon my children weather they want them or not…. he is desperate to make sure they never get to them…why? Could it be that you may just very well spoil his plans of destroying you because you remind him of me? Makes a person wonder.
He once admitted to me that he followed a God who he actually saw once in his prayers, when he was in desperation to save his marriage in 1997 and he had fasted for many days and nights and prayed….who is this God he listens too? I DARE you to ask him…
YES, without judging Bernd Holler…I can at least speak for myself…and of who Bernd was for me…and who I believe he is for MY children and what he has told me he would do to you and has then proven this over and over to me through his words and actions.
Why did Bernd insist on turning me into a worldly person doing filth and encouraging me to do as he did, he brought into his home and marriage? Was it so that no one else could have me if HE couldn’t have me? I may not have been the “best mother” while Bernd had almost killed me in every possible way but I sure as hell was a good mother and I have always tried my best…even if my best was shit to all of you...thanks to him and many reasons surrounding. Yes it has taken me years to forgive Bernd for the intended illegal and morally horrible offenses Bernd has perpetrated upon me. How do I know this…look around this planet….most people are mature and do not do the things he has done to me after divorce weather or not they are bitter!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bernd took you from me…nothing more, nothing less. He forced me to have no contact with you so that he could instill “hate” into your heart…looks like he succeeded. I have proof of all this too. He admitted it to Gramps that he had accomplished this. Bernd is very smart and manipulative…believe ME…He knows exactly what to do with people to manipulate them to an inch of their lives. Dozens of People have told me that he could sell “ice to Eskimos”, that is how persuasive he is. He knows how to mold people like I have never witnessed anyone able to do before or to this point. Don’t you think he knew how to help you have love or hate in YOUR heart? Well…. is he smart? or not?
Jordan, remember this eternal law….not a made up law…an eternal law…just like gravity is an eternal law…when you release a pencil it falls…right?...
Children are to Respect their parents and elders. We do not care if you love us or don’t love us. Why…because we will always be older and wiser even though we want you to think on your own and look to God for guidance.
Parents are to Love their children. I will always Love you even more now that distance makes the heart grow fonder….and I will always chose to remember you as the sweet, kind, creative boy that I KNOW of you. I also am aware of the “rebellious” Jordan when you just don’t understand something. Yes, your behavior at your LDS baptism was despicable, rebellious and just plain ungrateful. Like I said, I have faith that once something becomes clear to you, you no longer fight against it. Rebellion will only bring you unhappiness and heartache.
You can tell me the most horrible things and it will not change my view of you. I will be sad for you, and know you are wicked…but it will not change the way I will remember you. You are quick to temper Jordan…but after the storm…my Jordan is quick to forgive and also asks questions…(forgiveness is an eternal…NOT religious! …principal)
If you find that your parent, such as myself, has appeared to have “lied” to you by something you read or heard “through the grapevine”….
1st - It is NOT your place to call them on it.
2nd -You are very foolish to talk harsh and violent towards someone so much older and wiser and loving. You will finally know this someday as a parent …and you ‘finally’ realize what real love is …for another human being. Sometimes what appears to be a “lie” may simply be a veil of sacredness in order to keep those who are good or innocent “protected” from those who would harm them.
If you find me skiddish…remember, You and Austin have hurt me deeply… when I loved and missed you terribly everyday and cried for you for years….determined that my children will surely call me the first chance they get because I raised them to be respectful children and THEY KNOW how much I deeply loved them…they know it and will never forget…so gee, humm “sorry” if I find it difficult to trust you both. That is why God reminds me to be careful and to NOT trust anyone of you children now that your heads have been filled with GOD who knows what and you have “forgotten” me!! and then (your words) you think that I am full of crap when you do see my life online that I share openly with you despite that fact that Bernd uses it (all info) against me…to harm me.
I have a secret about you and Austin.
1st, You Jordan are JUST like Rudy in the fact that you both are very temperamental or short tempered or strict and then get over things quickly and have love in your hearts after you get it all out. I am very much like this too. We are 3 peas in a pod. Someday you may see this about yourself.
2nd, Guess why Austin has such a “liking” for his Gay friend Greg? Greg is almost the spiting image of Rudy! Except the Gay part! They are both Good people and look very similar. Austin had a great liking towards Rudy and they got along GREAT when they are together. I am positive that this Greg reminds Austin of what he is missing with having Rudy in his life. It is fine to have “proper”, or Godly love for another man friend, while having a good “man to man” relationship with a male friend (like Rudy) where there is a Godly love between them, but not “creepy” immoral activity going on as is the case with any person who gets into a gay life style.
That’s where it crosses the line. If you find someone like Austin’s friend Greg who has a great heart and is kind and similar to Rudy yet that person is confused about what to do with that love....“We want to help these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. This life style is a very selfish anti-life way of living.
To permit such, would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families.”
Love feelings for a close male friend reminds the confused individual of the love from their Heavenly and/or Earthly father (or the lack of which they missed out of in life) and is sometimes confusing when all around them the world is teaching that this love they are feeling or craving is a “sexual” thing to be acted upon, or a thing to now label them as Gay. They are not taught the truth, which is; it’s merely a purely spiritual (non-sexual) feeling that is normal between God and man and is to be kept at a healthy non physical level.
Hello…. if you, Austin, and Bernd have NO sympathy for people who do “immoral activity”, (which you coldly claim is who I am, yet sadly your dad Bernd did behind my back throughout our marriage)…why would either of you have sympathy for those who do this self-serving, death promoting immorality with the same sex??
Take a moment and think about that….
Since you claim that you read most of what I put on my website…then you know that I nearly lost my soul in following Bernd’s choice to convince me to participate in immoral activity and it took me years to “un-brainwash” myself from these teachings and now have a knowing of the “truth” of this very important TRUTH that can lead one to spiritual demise.
As rebellious as you and Austin are, we will continue to love and pray for you. We may not agree with your actions, but we will not give up on you. As far as you being upset at my statements about Austin…well, there are very few whose rebellion and evil deeds are so great that they have sinned away the power to repent. The Lord forgives whom he forgives…of us it is required to forgive all men. Never fear, we still pray and hope for you both.
Jordan, the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. I did NOT say the fear of religion or whether or not you go to church or not…OK? What does that mean to You?
Do you think you are such “hot stuff” now that you have so much in life at your feet? Do you know so much more… than the people who have lived life many times over? Do the math?
What happened to the Jordan who told Mooseheart that he was an arrogant boy and was now leaving them a “disciplined young man?” Did that mean you were “still arrogant…but just disciplined and stuck up?” Did you read Alex’s talk on humility?
Some last thoughts from me…before I close this and allow some comments from others here at home if they like:
1st Jacob and Andrew are my sons long before they were your brothers. I will do as God wants of me to do with them…thank you very much…if they want so badly to live with Bernd and T since they have been brainwashed that their living arrangements are sooooooo much better than mine even if they have NO clue what that is… and that I stink especially since BERND made sure they don’t know me from Adam…then I would take that very much into consideration.
I have always only asked for simple phone contact…letter contact…and respectful visitation in the first place…but you all seem to think that if this happens the universe will come to a complete halt or that all hell will break loose…oh that’s right you don’t believe in God or hell…ok, so maybe that they will be “happy”?
WHAT are you all sooooooooooooooooooooooooo afraid of??
That they might “love me and Rudy and their brother Alex more than they love you?”
WHY are they not allowed to write me a letter to tell me that they are happy and want nothing to do with me?? WHY are they NOT allowed a phone call? Who is the prison warden?
They are nearly adults! Get real….They deserve to have kindness, gifts, love, phone calls, a cheerful word, a listening ear, happiness, given to them by their birth mother who has thought of them every single day and loves them beyond what YOU or any human being (including Terry) could ever give them. Or would that go against someone’s plans to destroy them? Maybe they would find out who has been lying to them all along?…now that would be scary! Not for me….
2nd My dear Jordan, you are an adult now. I will always have an open door and heart for you…as long as you can respect me. I do not want you to live with me if you thought that I was trying to brainwash you into coming back to live with me. What kind of love would I have for myself if I did not demand this respect of you…JUST like your dad Bernd demands that of you!
Respect me…if you like or love me…that is your choice. I am more concerned with what God thinks of me. Would I like you to like me….of course I would, for your own peace and happiness.
3rd Remember, the women in your life will look at you and asks herself, what kind of love and respect does this man have for his mother? She knows that this is how he will treat and love her. Respect me Jordan and you will go far in life. I have learned much in life I have much wisdom to share.
I have always tried my best and will forever be growing and maturing…if you see my happiness as a way to lure you…you are right…I want all my children to see that happiness is within and that no matter what life hands you…you must find gratitude and love in it somewhere.
4th Remember, you can have the “brains” of Einstein, the intelligence of 10,000 angles, Saints, and Gods put together…but without the “pure love of Christ” in your heart Jordan… you are nothing but tinkling bells in the wind…
Don’t you understand, that I KNOW that you and your brothers want to put ALL the blame on me for your pain and emotional abandonment over the years you grew up without a Mother!! To come to an understanding that maybe it WAS YOUR FATHER BERND who did this to you would mean that you would have to take the very man whose image you and your brothers rely on as the person who you identify with and turn him into a “beast” and how would that reflect upon you and your manhood??
It would shed light on a VERY ugly side of your Dad that maybe you are just not ready to admit is truly him. BUT remember…your Dad Bernd’s Bitterness (which Austin at least admits is still a big part of Bernd) belongs ONLY to him. AND Forgiveness of his very immature and selfish ways which made me, you, and your brothers suffer beyond what is reasonable has to be applied so that we can heal and move on with our own lives and healing relationships!! Jordan let Bernd take on his own transgressions. He is going to have to answer to a higher being for them. His own Dad Gunther went to Jail and paid for the many selfish and horrible things he did to others. Bernd helped put him there.
I warn you NOT to follow in their cursed paths. You have a chance to break the wicked generation curse that follows them. Otherwise you will do things that you think are normal but carry a heavy penalty. You are welcome to find out more about this if you would ever like to ask me.
Thank you for writing me to tell me off…this means more to me…than hopefully you will ever have to know. You say you have NO Mother…well then, I have NO son….I would like to change that…please, I am requesting a “new beginning”. Let me show you how much I have always and especially now value you.
What IF, What IF, What IF all that I have told you about you being torn from my life was TRUE and that I had NEVER given up on you all these years, and I have suffered so much without you? WHY would you and Austin continue to punish an innocent person? WHY?????????????????????
or….Be my guest and go ahead and be Bernds puppet…live his life…take on his bitterness…but you will NEVER be my ex husband…Hello!...and yes, you will be my enemy like Bernd…but I wonder…is this because you believe that I am a religious nut?
Heavens NO…just a very Christ-like woman…rare as a ruby and one that if you take the time to get to know will see that I am a wonderful mother, friend, example, caring person. ( spent 6 hours throughout the night (no sleep) to type this out to you and edit it this morning.)
Your loving Mother
(notice I did NOT say “South park Cartman Mother” or “the tramp” as you and Austin so disrespectfully call me every time you talk of me, says Alex and Austin, because even if Bernd encouraged me to be the biggest tramp/whore in town, someone ought to teach you that no one deserves to be called that.)
P. S. My Bishop knows everything about me, but does he know all about Bernd? Do I need to reveal all about Bernd and his past? Would you like me to do this…are you challenging me? Then again I don’t spread confusion, contention and hate like Bernd does. I will simply give the Bishop the whole truth… and everyone the truth about the ugly lies Bernd has been hiding for years.
I guess it’s time to tell those interested all the ugly, horrible, dishonest, illegal, immoral, hateful selfish things Bernd has done in his life to me, his children and many others. Just let me know who I should start with. I have many affidavits in the courts already….and dozens of witnesses, don’t take my word for it. If you love your dad…stand up to him. Ask him for the truth.
I would much rather heal the hate and only have happiness in my life…I only hope someday you and my other children will join me…
OXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Happy Birthday
(Jordan, Alex saw me crying when I read your letter…I was so happy to hear from you yet so disappointed that it made me cry. He typed it by himself when I went to the other room to finish my Movie called The Echo of Thunder. He asked me to send it to you so I will paste it below my response to you)
Maybe one day you can make it up to him for hurting his feelings this day…? Heaven knows I encourage him to forgive you for hurting him and I.
Hello this is Alex Holler Acosta yes Acosta and I have something to say; how dare you say that stuff about our mother you must respect her!!!! You are not right about our mother she loves and cares for you and our brothers and me. Farther more you will call her Mrs. Acosta Jordan Holler!!! She wanted to be there for you and our brothers but our wicked and cruel father stole you and our brothers. She loves us all. You are not an Acosta and will you ever be because you do not respect and you are a cruel child Jordan Holler!!!! And that’s what I have to say to you Jordan Holler!!!!!!
P.S. Just for your info. I wrote this on my own, while my parents were watching a movie.