It took me many long, difficult, and tearful years since 2001 to change back to being my gentle, God fearing, self again, and be the humble righteous woman whom I am and was raised as, and have always been inside. Most of my change happened BEFORE my children were alienated from me. I have cried rivers of tears because of the alienation from my children my ex created and still creates. Believe it or not, I have cried almost everyday for my children, since the day they left my home and went to be raised by their dad without me and he continues to fight my efforts to have contact with them.
Hard to believe? Well all it takes for my heart to break, is for a few minutes of reflection of them in the present and our forced separation, and I fall apart, thinking about the undue abandonment my ex forces them to grow up with.
Thankfully, as they are growing older, my pain and anguish is growing less and less, and I have more happy days than sad ones. I also focus all my energy into who I do have, my baby Alexander, the youngest son. He usually gets gifts X's 5! Every Holiday or Birthday he gets at least twice the amount of Gifts, since I am blessed with huge amounts of gifts for my boys, but I am unable to send them to them without my ex threatening to sue me and worse.
I came to the realization of the pain a parent, like our Father in Heaven, who is the Father of our Spirits, also feels this when we separate ourselves from him and all his love, all the gratitude we owe him, and all that he has done or given or sacrificed for us that we just so often don't even notice or forget about. Sadly our own Earthly children do not know this about their physical parent, until they themselves are parents and experience this for themselves, or.... if they have true love and compassion in their hearts to feel the pain their parent is experiencing, then they will act accordingly to not act in such a way to continue to give their parent heartache.
Have I done the right thing in divorcing myself from the world and coming back to "God"? There is no doubt in my heart, mind and soul !
I thankfully have a sure knowledge that I have found Love, Safety, and the spirit of Christ in my soul like never before. ... AND oddly enough the world hates me with a passion! (the stories I could tell)
After I divorced from the worldly home and life Mr. Holler offered, I humbled myself, went back to the LDS Church for truth, support, and to bring safety and the pure love of Christ into mine and my children's lives. No matter how hard life was, I never regretted my choice to follow the promptings of God and my heart. I began to pray again, repented, and years later became a member of the LDS church again. It was during this time that my children's father took them away and alienated them from me, the LDS Church, Truth, and Love, so that they would not know of these blessings. The very things he admired, loved, fought for, and were him for the many years we were dating and while married, before we were excommunicated for Apostasy.
I testify of and am truly happy for the peace, safety and truth the Gospel of Christ and the LDS organization gives and pray mightily that one day my children will gain this same testimony! There are many people, even in the LDS church who have been adversaries towards me, yet though all the challenges comes great blessings....for the fear of God is the beginning of Wisdom! I know this! When I lived the worldly life my ex offered, I found that I was only serving myself and in turn was losing my soul.
Losing ones life in serving others (which is what the LDS Church teaches and then gives the opportunity for one to do much service) is the only way one truly FINDS oneself! I don't just believe this...I know this!
I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the many eternal truths you find at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS), not to mention the incredible Priesthood power found through its faithful members. The LDS people may have their faults due to imperfect people, but the gospel and its teachings is a breath of fresh air in a troubled and broken world and I will never take it for granted again. I am one person who can say this and really “know it”... not just believe it. I am not a big "religious" fanatic or "Jesus Freak" either, but I know a lot from my willingness to be open to all truth that has come my way in life and to not judge it initially, but to see it for what it is worth and how it might apply in my life or in life in general. I am not so naïve anymore either.
This openness has brought me great pain, happiness, wisdom, compassion and growth, but it has made me who I am today.
Very important lessons life lessons I learned over the years were:
Don’t stop using the power of prayer even if you haven't prayed in years...sincerely START. Stay close to your loving Heavenly Father ( even if you choose to call this heart felt knowledge "God", or your small promptings in your heart from the" Holy Ghost", or your "Higher Conscience, it's all the same). Pray, Pray, Pray. You can have the knowledge of 10,000 Angels, Gods, and Scholars put together, have the faith to move Mountains...but if you do NOT have a light of Christ in your heart, or a conscience, you are nothing but tinkling bells in the wind...you will not profit in this life! Be VERY careful that you do NOT ignore your promptings of your heart (or God) so as to kill this part of your tender self off. Pray for charity.
I learned That the spiritual world around us DOES exist and is much BIGGER and more powerful than this world and that you can call upon them for help! Spirit beings are real (the world will teach you that it is a fairy tale or that you are foolish to believe in such nonsense) . Our actions actually call good spirits or bad spirits to us, (if you struggle with this term, call it good energy/bad energy) to hang around us, even if you can not see them with the human eye.
Also, I learned that this spiritual world around us (that we might foolishly choose to believe does not exists or at least ignore it) does indeed contain dark (death causing) unseen entities, and for one to lose their soul, and all it takes is to "believe" that dark and powerful entities do not exist and that there is NO harm around you and that you are free to make choices without consequences. I try not to focus on this negative reality, but I don't forget they're real either. It's important to learn of the "dark side", so as to be able to avoid it. Boy did I learn. I am sure that before microscopes were invented people did not know about the harm that certain deadly bacteria or viruses could cause…same concept. I came to know that hatred really poisons only your own soul.
Also, I've slowly matured enough to realize that no matter how trusting and kind I am, I need to NOT feel sorry for certain people who appear to be very charming and giving, yet do not have a conscience ( or "light of Christ" for those of you who use this term instead) For this will surely lead you to your own demise! My ex and my current husbands ex, even up to NOW, will not stop being so jealous (bitter) of mine and Brother Acosta's great love/respect for each other/and love for God, that they are constantly trying to separate us, cause trouble for us in life, wish us ill, talk evil of us, and work hard to turn our own children against us, and/or at least enlist others to do this for them. Don't take my word for it, I have dozens of witnesses to this fact! This is why we pray for them that some day they will know that God loves them and that they need to move on in their own lives and stop being disrespectful of adults who love them!
I've learned that God (your higher source) and his true disciples are the only ones that anyone can trust in this world, so one must be ever vigilant of the pitfalls others set up for you!! If you do not have respect for yourself and then build yourself up in this life, very few to none will do it for you. You must know of your worth and then stand valiant when others will try to tear you down!
A huge lesson I learned was to have Gratitude for whatever God has given you at the present moment and to turn your worries over to him to handle, for he knows more, sees more. Believe me, many times in my life I went from having nothing, to having everything, to having nothing, to again having everything!
It can be so difficult to find gratitude for life during the hard times, but through it you find out what is of an eternal nature (and of great worth), verses worldly or superficial, and this is a key to deep spiritual Happiness!! I know this...