I dreamed of my son Andrew Sterling last night in the early morning before waking. Maybe because I was at a special place that is very dear to both him and I.
He was only a one year old baby, in this dream, when I was interacting with him in this dream.
At one point in the dream our spirits looked each other in the eyes and I told him straight to his heart how much I MISSED and LOVED him with every fiber of my strength and soul !
I even started to cry so hard right before this woke me up - due to the intense pain my soul was feeling at seeing my sweet angel baby boy and having this incredible blessing of seeing him and missing him but not able to physically hold him tight.
I LOVE dreams like these, but they leave me so sad for not having Andrew here to physically hug him and hold this dear child.
He and I actually cried in each other arms just days shortly before he went to go live with his dad when he was 6 years old, so I have deeply felt abandoned, just like him, and so cheated that he is not here with me throughout so many years. . . even if it was only visits for heavens sake.
I tried my best to get visitations of my son Andrew and his brother Jacob this past year but, like always, my ex straight up has his lawyer mis-represent the truth (out right lies) to the Colorado Judge there where they live, and this panicked others so that Alex's security, success and happiness in life AGAIN was in jeopardy. He then made sure that his lawyer sent my lawyer lots of emails where they made it expressly clear that Andrew and Jacob HATES us, want NOTHING to do with me, (gee I wonder why?) and on top of all this he called repeatedly to my home over the phone and would hang up (I have all the traced calls), and also to my church friends homes (in the middle of the night), threatening to harm them, (these friends told me when and what he said to them, waking them up late in the night to scare the daylights out of them, in hopes that they would back down from helping me be witnesses), so after all that money and time and effort, we had no choice but to drop the whole case for the 4th time!!!
You see, I take Bernd Holler's threats very seriously. Probably mainly from the day he threw me across the room in our bed and breakfast room in Mayrhofen, Austria when I was 4 months pregnant with my 2nd baby boy, Jordan Holler. We had been there in Spring of 1992 there in Germany a few days earlier on a 3 week vacation with his mom, Leni, at this nice bed and breakfast that had rooms made all out of very nice pinewood. I know he remembers this day, we were arguing and he was angry and he physically threw me across the room to stop me from talking. It scared the daylights out of me. . . he apologized later, and I have forgiven him, but looking back now from a safe distance, I am positive that had instilled in me a great fear of him, especially when he does not get his way.
I have always been extremely fearful of Andrew's dad Bernd Holler, and although I just didn't believe for years that others like him could do anything bad to their own loved children, and I have prayed for years that he will not hurt his kids. Maybe he does love his children but when he wants things to go HIS way, no one (sadly) and nothing is exempt of his bitterness.
So often I, (my positive, hopeful and lofty thoughts of my ex) have been proven wrong time and time again, by their father Bernd...and I am so sorry for this, my dear little ones. Please forgive me.
When will the abuse (especially the alienation) STOP for my children and I . . . . WHEN? No one will help us...WHY? I believe others are just too comfortable in their lives to care and then also they won't take the time to find out if the lies (or mis-leading info) that my bitter bitter ex provides them is true or not. They take his word for it.
I pray daily that someday my ex will be more honest with himself and us.
(Here is one excellent example; I gave up (MY MONEY) over a hundred thousand dollars to Bernd Holler (separate from my child support obligation which I gave him separately) when we divorced with the 'actual agreement', signed by Bernd Holler, in front of my dad Howard Hatch (we still have the signed Contract) . . .the agreement that Bernd would give each one of our 5 boys $4,000 a year over 5 years (a total of $20,000 each boy) when each of them turned 21 years old, from this $100,000 I let him kept especially FOR THEM.
To this day, I understand and have heard that my children's dad has NOT given them this money which was promised to them by us and that he has NO intentions of keeping this contract he had with me and them, which is the money I gave to my children to help them succeed in starting out in their young life!
I heard that Austin has NOT seen any of this money from me yet which is being kept by his dad Bernd even though Austin is now 24! WHY?
Oh, let me guess WHY my ex did this. He did it so that each one of them would hold out patiently, waiting for this lavish gift, favoring their dad, doing whatever is asked, in order to keep him happy in hopes that one day soon he would actually help them financially ? . . s o m e d a y . . .
At least that is what my children tell me, and something he did to me personally also (not to mention the many other business partners he did this too also) for the many many years I lived with him and then later many people confessed to me that Bernd had done to them. (i.e. Peter Wright, Randy Kartchner, Ken Olsen, Ken Reeves, etc.)
I guess the shame is on me for not knowing this same thing would happen to me? I am so sorry children. )
I told Andrew, in 2004 while I held him in my arms and we cried, that after he went to go live with his dad on the day he finally comes back to live with me, that he was welcome to live with me until he was older than say the normal kid leaving home at 20. . . say like 30 years old if he so desired!
That is exactly what I told him and I meant it. I guess I was trying to relate to him that no matter what, if he needed to have many years AFTER 18 (being an legal adult) to reconcile his lost time with me that even if it took 10 years of having to have this extra time to do this, I would be patient enough with him to allow him and I to have this Mother & Son time to heal. This applied to all my children, but Andrew was expressly concerned with how much he would miss out on not living with me. I sincerely believed Bernd Holler and his lawyer that it would only be for a few months, or longest only one year.
(Boy I didn't know at that time how real this promise would have to actually become!)
I did NOT want him to fee,l at that time and throughout his life, that I had ever NOT desired to have him, raise him and have him be in my arms, home and life.
But that was the best I could do to get this message to my little boy Andrew (in 2004) that he would never be turned away from me, his loving mother. EVER!
I hope he will always remember this!!
I wanted to raise him more than he will ever know and I hope that he will remember that I will be his mother for the rest of his life regardless of who tries to keep us apart, and that on the day that he decides to come home to me...he will ALWAYS be welcome and invited here for love, understanding, and a heart-felt relationship all around. (same goes for all his brothers)
Andrew, I miss and LOVE you beyond what you can imagine and I will never stop having hope that you and I will be together again soon. Forgive me for not having the power to give you this hope....to give you your rights to chose freely without having to pick one parent over the other. . . for having a gentle, passive and weak mother...and for not being strong enough to be there for you, as both of us would have so much liked.
I hope you loved your birthday balloons, money, and birthday cards you got over the years for your 14th, AND 15th birthdays from those who love and miss you. Even if you weren't allowed to see them. (you too Jacob) I'm sorry if your dad ripped them up or threw them away.
You deserve so MUCH more than these small gestures, but this is all Alex and we could do without getting harmed, we hope you will someday understand.
I love you forever!! ♥ Come home soon!!