"Dear God, It is going to be my 4th son's 18th birthday soon. (on June 21st)
His brother, (his youngest, my youngest son) has started to search him out....to see what we can find of him, since we can finally reach out to him legally....if inspired. We all love and miss him.
This is so exciting for us, yet very terrifying also. I am trembling....I am so scared that he will reject us, reject me, like his older brothers did and do. (Heavens, One even got a false Restraining Order out on me all due to his assumed need to follow in his bitter fathers footsteps and somehow punish me for simply asking if we could contact, spoil and bless the lives of him and his younger brothers, my two teenage sons,... the one of which will now be 18 soon.
How am I to cope with all this?
How am I suppose to feel. What does a righteous Mother do at this junction??
I have so many mixed emotions! I want to reach out and find Jacob, and show him that I have never forgotten him, never stopped trying to be apart of his life (even if I could only write letters and cards and save them here) ...but with Jordan's, Bernd's, and Austin's violence towards me, I don't dare do more.
Could I stand the rejection AGAIN?...the hatred...the abandonment, the stabbing realization that my children do NOT care, love or respect me.... again and again!?
To have my heart shatter in a million pieces again?
What do I do?
Do I leave Jacob a loving message so that he knows that I love him, have always loved him, have tried over the years to be there?
So that he knows I am tenderly reaching out now that I am finally ABLE to???
Will that scare him off? Will he feel responsible to have a relationship with me out of obligation?....against anyone's selfish objections?...and cause trouble in his own fragile life?
I want him to be happy....for all of us to be happy, for all of us to get along. So far, his dad will NOT allow this to happen for him, his brothers or for any of us. Bernd's own bitterness stands in the way.
BUT...instead Do I NOT contact him?...do I NOT try?
Is this the answer? Will he be hurt if I don't try?
Will he know 'why'?
Will he know my deep desire to do so, but my loving caution NOT to?
Why must we or he choose? Why can't the love in our hearts allow us all to get along and be happy?
BUT instead, I see it HIS choice to contact me, when ready, can this be .....the answer???
I suppose I must be like God....waiting patiently for my children to be tired of all the substitutes of Motherly love out there in the world...until they are ready to come and find the real thing...their 'real' inheritance, the real 'love' that has been theirs all along?
My youngest son Alex, Jacob's brother, just found my sons swimming scores and we were jumping UP AND DOWN giggling with excitement to FINALLY find out what school he was actually attending AND to find well, just....anything...on our precious son and brother Jacob!!
Tears of joy ran down our cheeks....we love him so, we miss him so.
Does this mean that now, when he somehow learns that we have found him, found out about him and his life... that he will delete all this precious info available on himself? Will he hide from us like his older brothers have? Will I have my heart broken all over again and again!
Can I handle that deep rejection over and over again and not have my heart grow cold towards them? Will I grow cold towards my children over rejected time and time again?
Will I cry everyday again, until I Iook deep inside and remember that if God is for me...who can be against me....and that if I trust in God, then ignore my motherly instincts and know that if my children someday have love in their hearts all will work for the Good. In the meantime I try to cope living day to day trying my best to forget my need to mother them in person.... believing that one of them will SOMEDAY have the courage to stand up for righteousness and truth, vs. his own comfort and need for earthly support before trusting God? Am I asking too much?
I can NOT give up hope. For some reason I seem to not be able to give up! Why must this be my life? I know why, because I chose to be married to someone I believed in, someone who told me that his goals were the same as mine, and then found out later that this was not true....but WHY won't at least one of my children have LOVE/forgiveness in their hearts? This forgiveness gives one truth as Jacob wrote, but was he telling the truth? Or just writing it to look good for his school assignment. Will my 4th son Jacob be the one to break free of the Holler curse of bitterness? The curse his dad Bernd expressed many times to me he so desired to be free of?
Does Jacob have REAL love in his heart?..real courage in his soul to do what is right and not care for his own comforts that his dad lullaby's him with, but does what is right for the love of all involved...even if that means the loss of his earthly fathers, security, protection and approval?
Why do my child even have to be put in this situation? If my bitter ex would lose his anger, revenge and bitterness it would all be correct as my children assume it is now.
Why must I be responsible for all this? Why can they NOT see their fathers responsibility in all of this?? Is it because they are men, like he and they could not face that demon?
Why can't I just be a loving mother with a loving relationship with them.... and them see I have a loving home to extend towards all my children?
I don't want contention for Jacob, for any of them ...BUT what if by Jacob making that choice NOT to chose sides, this choice forces his dad to make a change in his own attitude... to accept my sons choice to love BOTH his parents!! ?
What would they have to lose???
What if this is the turning point of a bitter parent (Bernd) letting go and having to come to terms with, or accepting his sons decision to have a relationship with the other 'hated' despised parent, his mother, me, and be the opening the door for his other brothers to have a brighter future with their mother in their lives too because HE HAD COURAGE and the position to step forward and make this reality acceptable? Will he have the blind faith ?? Do any of them?
Oh God...I pray that this will be my future...my children's future...our future....that we all respect and love each other as good people...as people who care about the innocent and their broken hearts...their mothers care and love for them... and start mending the wounds! And that they ones who do not, will see the error of their ways and be humbled swiftly and correctly.
I have had many sleepless nights recently...dreaming and dreaming of my kids and of my son Jacob who I think of often.
God, guide my steps...I know I am only human and I make mistakes...even when I am SURE that I am right....help my children know that I am a loving, hurting, caring mother...a mother who deserves a kind word...a gentle hug...a joyous phone call to tell me how they are...what their dreams are...who they are and want to become...how I can possibly make their paths and heavy burdens lighter and more full of love.
Help me know what to do over these next few weeks...how to reach out in love or how to back off in silence and patience...burying my untamed excitement that might frighten off my child.
Thank YOU God for showing me small glimpses into my child's life and letting me see that he has a tender heart...not a bitter heart. That he believes in LOVE and has not hardened his heart throughout all his growing years in this very unkind, unfair, life of struggles. That he had courage to NOT delete himself out of his mothers life the same way he as he has been lied to, to believe that his mother did this to him.
BIG changes are happening in my life! My life is re-arranging.... and I'm so excited, yet nervous too about the new future....help me be strong...Jacob to be strong.
With patience, i will know what to do!!! Show me the way....NOT my will ...but thine OH GOD!!! I am trusting that this huge change will be for the good of all.
I dreamed a dream.... happiness for those who deserve it...and for those who have LOVE in their hearts, sweet rewards of JOY and 'eternal' happiness!!
I love you Jacob ♥