It's early morning and this is usually when I have much inspiration and spiritual thoughts. I love this time of morning. Yet it can be frustrating to have all these wonderful thoughts and then at this age have a body that will not cooperate in doing all that I am inspired to do or want to do. ☺
This morning, like many mornings, I lay thinking, pondering and missing my children. Thinking about each one, and trying to feel their spirits and needs. I miss Jordan and Austin alot. They are my two oldest. The ones who have been brainwashed the most by PAS.
They have come to believe that it is I that has ruined their lives by leaving their Dad, my ex-husband. I suppose from their point of view it is totally true.
Their dad has convinced them that because I divorced him and left his home, he has stepped in and raised them (the last 7 years) courageously alone and that he is a hero. I am happy that he has been able to gain their love, respect, and favoritism. It is better that their bio dad was there for them than not, which is what he had planned on, (to abandon them) at the start of our divorce. There was much they needed to learn from him. Sadly he decided to not tell them the truth about their mother and our lives leading up to our divorce or about the secret life he lived while I was married to him.
At first over the many years that he alienated them from me, I was so angry, sad and frustrated because of my loss and his dishonesty, but I am starting to see that as a parent he had to convince them that he was the hero...since how else was he going to gain their trust, their respect, their loyalty as their parent and then hopefully raise them righteously while he alienated them from me? This I am beginning to understand.
Sadly, my ex's felt duty of or in the earning of my children's respect, so that he could have order in his home, required that he not tell the truth of "his" ugly past, his failed duties in his broken marriage, and/or lie about who I, their mother, was or is. I never understood this point of view over the years as to WHY a person would do this, but I am slowly understanding this. Maybe too late. It was to cover his past....but NOT to repent, but to "win" at alienating my children.
You see, when I grew up, I was taught that there was no reason to talk about a person in a hateful or negative way and so I did not. Even if their ways were less then desirable, I was taught that a person had the right to "repent" (meaning about face or turn around) and so to encourage a person to repent, we were taught to just kept quiet and not say anything negative or talk about their sins which would discourage that person. So I did not.
I did not realize that this silence also could keep a person, unwilling to repent, in the dark (so to speak). Question is, "would it be better that a person have their sins uncovered so they are "forced" to repent? Or is it better that they come to a knowing on their own...so that it truly comes from their heart?
I also did not understand that sometimes the reason why a person (such as myself) could feel that they were doing this kindness out of respect, could also be because that person was embarrassed to even be associated to the person who did wrongful or worldly activity, and thus would then not shed light on the others activity, in hopes that others would not know that they were associated with the unclean person.. This was a part of what I was doing when I first was divorce. I did not want others to know the filth that my ex was into... just by my association.
The main reason, much was NOT said by me about my ex to anyone when I first divorced him, was because I literally either did NOT know much about his double/secret life, but also because what little I did know, I did NOT want to believe was the real him or even that it was him actually doing these horrible acts or choices! I also chose to see his evil deeds as "not bad", but justified. The small part of being embarrassed that I was so naive to much of my ex's life, is why I did not want others to know that I knew such a dishonest person, but it is sadly not until now, that I am starting to realize this and admit it to myself and others. I am starting to see that my embarrassment and my protecting this other human being has come at a cost of losing the respect of my children.
When I first divorced, it was because for years I had been having strong (and I mean STRONG) promptings to leave my ex's worldly home, marriage and most importantly influences. I did not understand "why" since my life was so comfy! I did not "hate" my ex. We got along fine! I had all worldly security a woman could ever ask for! I even remember telling others, that I was NOT divorcing my husband for any reason other than I felt it was time to move on! I would tell them, that there was NO negative reason in my mind as to "why" I was separating myself from his life and home!
To others, this left an impression that I looked like I was a huge idiot, or at the very least a big whore (looking for sex outside my marriage) to which I knew was not the reason in my heart and mind and at the time I did not care what others thought since as long as I finally did or was doing what my heart felt was right, that is all I cared about. Especially since my ex had convinced me that their was NO right or wrong and that my choices had very little to NO consequences. This gave me an even more attitude of NOT caring what others around me thought or perceived of me.
I began to stumble through the single life making many mistakes not having God or my family or anyone for that fact as my guide. I had become independently stubborn, just like who my ex was, but mainly since this attitude was the only thing that gave me the courage to leave my ex in the first place. I didn't know why for many years, but as time revealed the why's, I then understood why I had become who I was not, in order to move away from my situation.
Like I said, others (including myself and my children), looked at my situation in confusion as to the "why" I would leave a "good" home and marriage. Even I would question this from time to time, with always the same reassuring overwhelming feeling that I had done the right thing and with NO regrets! So WHY?
Going back to beating a "dead horse", (meaning I have mentioned what I am about to say over and over to my children and others so please bear with me), my ex after our divorce immediately (I thought defensively) began to plot against me or more innocently (if you will) hurt me and my image as a way to save his facade with others around him and of course mainly so that his ugly past would not be uncovered.
At first I was in shock! I did NOT know that he would do this back stabbing to me....the woman he loved?? WHY would he talk so negatively about me, or cause so much grief or stress in my life? WHERE was his belief in no "right or wrong" that he so much convinced me to live? WHY was he such an aggressive demon the minute I left his home and marriage? WHY did he call my family on the phone, just to tell them, not only the private things about me, but many lies to make my family hate me even more? I had not done things like this to him! I had NOT told his parents the dishonest things I knew others talked about or were familiar about him! Not judging him as to why, I knew that many things he did in his life were completely dishonest in the eyes of most people. I could have told his parents and many others who he needed in his life, about these activities to blacken his name and hurt him. I did not.
At first I thought he did this because he had loved me so much that he was so hurt and that he was trying to hurt me back and get me back in the marriage by convincing me that I should come back to the marriage. Then every time I would put that thought to the test, I noticed that he did NOT want me back in the marriage! That was a complete surprise. So why would a person do this? I still did not understand it...even over many years after my divorce.
Then when others began to tell me about my ex's double life of sin and wickedness and I began to listen, that was becoming a reality for me over the years after divorce, I began to trust what others were saying about my ex and his double life. That he had been lying to me, not only for that time period leading up to our divorce, after the divorce, but continually up through to that time even of when I had first met him in 1985. Could I have been THAT naive?
It took me years of witnessing his activity towards me, after our divorce, for me to ever believe or be convinced that such a sad thing about my ex was and is true. Still I would NOT talk bad about him. I still believed that it was because he was just bitter because he had loved me so much. I thought, as much as I had loved him? I was soon to slowly learn the truth.
Divorce is a funny thing. It gives a person space to be able to think on their own, get their own wisdom and beliefs...especially when someone such as I, who is super shy, trusting and mold-able, lived with a person such as my ex who is super controlling and domineering!
Sorry this post is going on and on...I just don't want to forget any details!
So, like I said, I have had years now to examine my life as married to my ex, divorced or separated from my ex, and now married for years in a new and different relationship! I have learned so MUCH!
This morning as I lay in quiet slumber, my higher consciousnesses, or promptings of the Holy Ghost, made my mind enlightened about a few things. This is why I am sharing so much this morning.
Recently (last month) when I visited my brother, he reminded me of a story that happened to him at my home back in the early 90's. He told me about a time that he was visiting my ex and I at our home and how (when I was not there) my ex had pulled a gun out and had pointed it at my brothers head and demanded that my brother leave his office!
I was shocked to hear this story! I had remember the time and situation but not these details!!
This again, like many times over the past few years, opened my memory again of the sheer wickedness my ex was into when I was married to him. Most of it hidden to me, but others would try their hardest to convince me of some of it.
My brother, and others, began last month to refresh my memory as to the complete secret (or double) life my ex lived when I was married to him and while we were living in Utah. My ex worked in California for many years ( 10 years) so this was very easy for him to do without me knowing a thing. My ex confessed a few things from time to time, so now that I am away from this deceptiveness, and willing to listen for the first time in years, I am learning much or remembering much of the wickedness I was actually unwarily married to.
I am beginning to understand the WHY my heart (or God) moved me away from a sure destructive marriage and life. My ex was literally leading me and my children down a path of death. Literal death. I have learned WHY I was feeling my life slipping away.
I am beginning to share this info with others for the first time in years...but that is mainly because I am beginning to admit that this was true and that I did live with a man who did these dishonest ugly things that he did, and I am not embarrassed to admit that I blindly lived with some of what I did know, for the security, wealth and peace he kept me in, so as to not uncover him!
My brother then reminded me or told me many stories about when he was with my ex in California and about the many women my ex was dating and sleeping with behind my back. He said that the main reason why he disliked my ex so much was because of the "double life" my ex was living behind his sisters back! He said that while I was naively living in Utah not knowing what my ex was doing, my ex was living a wild worldly sinful life down in California every week he was there instead of home.
My brothers stories all fit with the things I did know about my ex, and more importantly reminded me of the so much more my mind had hidden or ignored, and also I learned of more than I did know.
Also, a close acquaintance told me about a time when my ex had hired some drug addicts to kill him, but because this acquaintance was able to firmly talk himself out of this bad situation which my ex had created, no harm came to this acquaintance. When I heard this horrible story, I then remembered my ex telling me (back in the early 90's) that he knew certain low life people who (for $50) could knock off anyone (who might be threatening him or his family) if he told them to do this for him. So obviously, this recently learned story freaked me out, since I knew it was true!
There are more stories I could tell, but if you are interested you will have to come ask me yourself.
Do you see WHY I am beginning to be more at peace about WHY God lead me away from what I thought was a "normal" marriage, but in reality was such a wicked man and marriage? I am very sad that I did not tell others about my "real" life with such a wicked man or the things he was doing or what others told me he was doing which I did NOT believe.
Me not telling or exposing this stuff to others, afforded my ex the time he needed to convince my children over the past 7 years, and to others, that it was I that was the "bad" person for leaving his good and decent home. Not defending myself or shedding light made it easy for others to believe my ex that I was a fool or a "tramp" as my ex has my children call me!
Now my two oldest Children do not know the truth or even want to have a relationship with me to even learn the truth. I have been such a disappointment to my children.
My oldest told my youngest at Christmas time that he does NOT want me in his life at all. That I had my chance in his college years where I tried and tried to befriend him but he pushed me away and that was that.
My second oldest told me to go to HELL recently also, just like my oldest son. He Said that "he does NOT have a Mother!" I understood that he meant that he does NOT want to learn truth. But he did challenge me to uncover the truth! To tell my truth. He wanted me to reveal the secretive things that he believed was not being revealed by me! In other words, to reveal MY past sins.
Its just that Jordan does not realize that his challenge for me to uncover truth, which he believed I was covering to protect myself, would NOT be hurting me, (since I had long ago repented of being the person his dad had created out of me)...but instead my revealing any truths now would be shedding light on his Dads hidden secrets, past immorality, and very deceitful or illegal ways !!
I am finally OK about my kids not wanting me to be in their lives because I am seeing that God will be the one to teach them truth and is a pure source anyway.
With that said, I am now beginning to tell my story of life with my ex, to my family and others, the way God saw my marriage. It is a sad and ugly truth about my ex and his choices on what life he lived and what he lead me and our children into, but it is needing to be told in order for him to move on in life and hopefully make better good and healthy choices.
I now am beginning to admit to myself and others, mainly for my ex's salvation, that indeed my ex did live a secret double life in California. One of illegal activity, cruel, unkind, and even sinister behavior. I am beginning to hear or learn about and admit to his gross immorality, un-faithfulness, and infidelity while I was married to him, and I was living in another state (Utah) and he worked in another state (Calif) in the years of 1991-2001. I am finally learning about and accepting what others are telling me about my ex's drug, alcohol and sexual addictions which I did not know about but now I am believing since their stories fit exactly to what I did know about him.
I don't admit to this now to make others "dis-like" him... as much as it is a way for him to admit his behavior and have light shed on it and hopefully he learn from it and move on in life, hopefully into making better choices!
This, in all reality, is what lead our unGodly marriage and family to break up... or bring it to it's demise.
ME MOVING AWAY FROM MY EX"S POOR CHOICES WAS TO SAVE MYSELF, HIM AND HIS CHILDREN!!!
ME CHOOSING TO GO THIS PATH, AND THEN HIM NOT FOLLOWING IN THIS SAME REPENTANCE, LEAVES THE ENTIRE FAULT OF OUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY BREAKING APART AS HIS RESPONSIBILITY!
WE MARRIED UNDER THE COVENANT TO LIVE RIGHTEOUS LIVES! HE REFUSES TO ADMIT THIS OR LIVE THIS.
I tried for years to keep my home and marriage "Holy" before I just couldn't hold back the Dam of wickedness MY EX WAS BRINGING INTO OUR HOME, with my so called "scotch tape" fix...so to speak! ESPECIALLY when my ex demanded and I agreed to become like him and accept his ways!
If only my children believed this...BEFORE they will someday have to "know" this....
Like I said, what little I did know about my ex during our marriage, I hid for mine and my children's protection, but now that they are older, I can sadly finally reveal what I DO KNOW! Now that I am beginning to hear so much more about my ex's double life, now so many pieces of the puzzle fit as to WHY God had me leave my marriage and break up our family (or what appeared to be a family). I never divorced my "family" or "children"....on the contrary...I am hoping to "save" them.
So many family members, neighbors, acquaintances tried and tried to tell me these things about my ex and the wickedness he was leading me and subjecting our children to, and make me aware. I was either so pampered into silence and so ashamed that I did not see all this or believe any signs or suggestions from others. It was finally God in 2001 (and my ugly independent courage, and worldly attitude, that my ex had made of me and he loves to point out to others that is who I am today which is a big fat lie), which gave me the courage to do what was finally right.
But is my awakening and gentle demand that my ex face his ugly past come too late for my two oldest children? They seem to NOT listen to my truth now that they have had time, over years, to only hear one side and have it sink in for years.
I sometimes wonder IF my children who refuse to believe this are this way because they WANT to live sinful and wicked lives! They WANT to justify what or who their father was (or is?) so that they can justify their sins?
I wonder IF their father will ever admit to his sins so as to help his children NOT make the same mistakes...or will he keep quiet so that they will fall and hopefully be destroyed as he promised me he would do to them...
Will mine and the prayers of many, and Guardian Angels sent, be enough?
I guess time will tell...
My two oldest children may never know the truth about their dads behavior or his main responsibility in their younger years trials and the WHY they were raised without their physical Mother's presence. They are adults and want nothing to do with me, and for this I am so sad...but I must have faith that God will somehow let them find out the truth and help them not make the same mistakes their dad made, with their own wives and families!
That way hopefully they will NEVER make the same mistakes in their own lives and relationships!
Sadly God still reveals to me that my ex is still lying in wait to hurt me. To use my own words or actions against me in order to stop me from uncovering his dishonest, wicked and ugly past that he lived while deceiving me, our children, and deceived many others around him. Even much of his wrong choices while he alienated my children from me over the past 7 years.
There is a REASON WHY a person, like my ex, works soooooo hard on alienating people, like his children, and those he knows, from another person, like myself. If only my children looked harder into the "truth"....like Jordan my son challenged.
I still pray for my ex's repentance and am hoping that he will move on in life. Hopefully he will heed to the words that his lover, and friend (Lori Pinckney...now Nielsen) told him once in 1995. That there were other loves in his life that wanted to be with him that could help him live a righteous life...but that he needed to have faith and love in his heart to repent of his wickedness he was into at that time, and then after doing this, move on from his relationship with me. (I still have this written in my Journal from 1995.)
Like I have told others...I saw this spiritual "love" in my ex's eyes... only ONCE, ....while I knew him over 17 years. That was during a conversion (1995) I had with him about Lori and his affair that they had been having while we lived in Manti, and about the "love letters" they were exchanging. He actually felt deep love for her. I never saw that same love in his eyes for me, like I saw he had that day for Lori...but I was OK with this, because I felt it was from God.
This is probably WHY, we were not good for each other even back then. Like him, I was too naive and scared to move on. He was too scared to lose what he had, too comfortable, and greedy for the world and getting what he wanted regardless of this, to move on at that time, and maybe even now. He was living his double life at that time and now I see this is why God gave him the chance to repent and move on with Lori during that time in our lives.
Now I pray that he will STOP attacking my children and me...and I hope that he will see that there truly IS hope for him if he can repent and let go of trying to have "revenge" on me... and for him to experience TRUE spiritual love with his own soul mate.... like I have been able to have with Brother Acosta.
So, these were my feelings this morning, as God shed light on my thoughts and enlightened me.... which I now share with you and the world today.
I only hope I was able to kindly, and spiritually, able to put these thoughts down here on "paper", as wonderfully and non-judgmentally, as I felt them this early morning. ♥