"Don't make me close one more door, I don't want to hurt anymore....Stay in my arms, if you dare....must I imagine you there?"
Children...I NEVER abandoned you...like you have been led to believe! However, who NOW is abandoning who? ~ ....remember I am not like your aggressive dad...I, instead, have a soft, shy and patient personality....this is not the same thing as abandonment. I have ALWAYS been here for you with open arms AND open doors. You've ALWAYS been welcome AND wanted!!! ~ I simply could not fight the demons and lies your dad throws my way to stop our contact...so I've waited patiently for YOU to do the right thing and come home. No one is asking you for a million dollars...or for something you can NOT do...just a little respect and a kind word or two. ~ Hoping, praying and crying.... that it is sooner.... rather than later. ** ~ If not now....WHEN?
Aren't you getting ANY of my emails? I've sent many to email addresses that I am not sure are even yours...
I'm so sad that you and your brothers won't respond back. I don't need much from you, other than a simple Hello, how you doing?
I know you and your brothers are convinced that I abandoned you but don't you know YET that I never did!! Is that why you refuse to talk to me?? WHY is everything always blamed on ME?? Having a parent that does NOT allow you to love your other REAL parent is SO unfair.
I always believed and still do that children need BOTH parents and parents which are KIND and respectful to each other!!
I know you Holler boys can DO IT !!!
Sister Bowman knows the story of what 'really happened' those many years ago...and she has told me that she would be happy to write it down for you and send it to you! (as a second witness) Even Sister Amy Strong can testify of this too!
It is time to clear up all the lies you and your brothers have lived with for so long!!
I have been waiting day in and day out for 14 year for you and I to have contact again!!!!
Now you are an adult and we can have a nice mother/son relationship that we deserve. Without others in the way.
I am your biggest fan and I only want to be kind to you, talk to you, just a little, and be here for you whenever you need.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
I have wanted this from the day you were conceived!! I sacrificed years and years of my personal comfort, life, soul, body and being... for you and your success. Please don't shut me out. I NEVER DID to you!! (can't you comprehend this?) (won't you comprehend this?)
Like I said...I don't want much. Just to talk to you every once in a while.
EVEN a one sentence email or text to your dear ole mom, would make me so happy.
It's your birth day soon...The day I BROUGHT YOU into this World...not anyone else did!!.......Please let me wish you a happy one?
PLEASE contact me soon. Even if it is just to tell me HOW you are!!?? Promise, I don't want anything from you....JUST to hear your voice, and to talk just a bit. That can't be so bad, can it? I promise I have NO ill intentions ♥ ever!
I ONLY want to make YOU, ANDREW.... HAPPY ♥
Thanks dear little one ♥ I KNOW you can BE BRAVE!!
Love and blessings sent your way... always....
Love forever, Mom
It is called Melancolie. And it is heartbreakingly beautiful.
The artwork created by Albert György (living in Switzerland, but born in Romania) can be found in Geneva in a small park on the promenade (Quai du Mont Blanc) along the shore of Lake Geneva.
Millions (more than 11 million people) have viewed it from Facebook, so we wanted to take a few moments and share more about the sculpture and artist.
György was born in Romania in 1949. He lived in isolation and sadness after his first wife died, so he understands grief. He was given what he calls in reports – a second slope of his life where he is able to enjoy freedom.
The sculptor developed a special alloy of copper and tin which he used for his work.
His work is revered by many and I found this quote about his work – “In its complexity and diversity, the visionary art of Albert György testifies to a personal dialectic between suffering and happiness. Nothing decorative or talkative in this game of creative tension leading to a living alloy, imbued with the purest necessity.”
The incredible, heartbreaking artwork is extremely touching and very emotional. Reading the comments on the Facebook Post are heartbreaking and show the power of love. A mother’s love. A father’s love. Grandparent’s love. Love of siblings, friends and strangers. The thought of losing a child is unimaginable – but for many, it’s all too real and some have written that this sculpture depicts how they feel – an emptiness. John Maddox wrote,
“We may look as if we carry on with our lives as before. We may even have times of joy and happiness. Everything may seem “normal”. But THIS, “Emptiness” is how we all feel…all the time.”
When your world is brightened and blessed by the joyful presence of a child....Your heart becomes more full of love than you could have ever imagined....As the months and years pass, memories are made that are more precious and valuable than anything...they touch your very soul ...
But....When the child is abruptly ripped from your life and you are alienated from them...The pain and sadness is indescribable and crippling at times....The waves of heartache roll through your spirit with such dreadful force....
To any parent reading this... Please don't ever keep your child from a family member that they have a close bond and loving relationship with... It's cruel, unfair, and just wronger than almost anything else anyone could do to another person.
Becoming Who You Are in Today's World ~by David W. Hart
You'll LOVE this short talk on being Excellent!!
(I recognize that all my Holler sons are losing themselves in excelling and making extra efforts to apply their uniqueness. )
♥I LOVE THIS about them ♥
Happy New Years Eve
Just a quiet day here at home in Utah this weekend...thinking about all of you Holler young men, and the New Year 2018 ahead.
*May you all make it a generous, fantastic and a successful year.
Love, and best wishes, from the bottom of my heart, to all of the Holler boys,
(my prides and JOYS, even the ones I have no contact with)
Your little brother Alex is on his two year Mission to Argentina. We got to talk to him on Skype for Christmas, and it reminded me of his brothers.
In a nut shell, I would say that we all belong together.
Lisa, Alex, and I, with all of you, once in a while, visiting, would be nice.
Maybe we could let love soften our hearts.
Love you guys always, happy new years 2018
Having a quiet night at home with my hunky hubby, for New Years Eve 2017.
Gift Cards make nice gifts for children that you just do not know what to buy for them.
When it comes to the Holler boys, I never know what to send them for their birthdays or Christmas. So, gift cards are a good and no brainer gift, if you know what stores they like to go to.
I know their dad loved taking them to Starbucks cafe when they were little, so I figured that 'Starbucks gift cards' would be a winner with all of them.
So, as you see above, here are the 4 Starbucks gift cards all tucked away into personal Christmas greeting cards for each one of my sons.
(Alex had all his gifts with him once he got to Argentina)
I sent these to Colorado last week, and I understand that each of my 4 sons got their card, and gift inside.
I hope they liked it.
I wish I could give them more, but maybe I just have to wait until they all come home and we can celebrate the Holidays together.
Until next year, I pray that they will enjoy their little treat from Mom and family.
A published story of my great great grandfather Orin Hatch, and his older brother Meltiar Hatch (from Navuoo Illinois) *updated
The LDS Church puts out a magazine for children, called "The Friend". It has been published since 1971 and a favorite around the world. It was my favorite magazine when I was little and growing up. I often had it in my home for my children also, when they were small.
In 1994 (when Austin was 5 and Jordan was 2) they published a touching story about Austin's, Jordan's, Jacob's, Andrew's and Alexander's Great Great Great Grandfather Orin Hatch and his brother Meltiar, from Nauvoo, Illinois.
Enjoy the reading.
Click here for the online story
Short LIFE SKETCH of Orin Hatch
Third of seven children born to Ira and Wealthea Hatch, Orin was raised in wooded western New York, where he and his brothers made friends with the Indians and even learned some of their language. The Hatches were early LDS converts and joined the Saints in Nauvoo. At age ten, Orin and his two older brothers lived east of the city on Eton Farm and cared for sheep and cattle while the rest of the family was twenty miles away in Nauvoo. At one point they were trying to get a skunk out from under a granary. Orin looked under it as his brother Meltiah shot the animal, and Orin got some shot in his face and lost the sight in one eye (note left eye in photo above). Not long after, his mother died when Orin was eleven years old.
Orin wanted his own personal witness before being baptized and resisted his father’s encouragement to do so until just after his fourteenth birthday. He was standing on the bank of Crooked Creek, Illinois, watching the elders perform the ordinance of baptism. As he watched, some power seized hold and shook him so violently that he was about to fall to the ground. Orin said that he felt as though somebody was thoroughly out of patience with him for his obstinacy, so he crossed the creek and asked to be baptized, fully convinced that he was doing the right thing. “Having put his hand to the plow, he never turned back. The next sixty-two years were dedicated in service to the Lord and His great work.”
Only a month after his baptism, Orin was near Carthage (his father and brother were there with the Nauvoo Legion) and heard the shots ring out when the mob killed the prophet Joseph Smith. At age sixteen, Orin enlisted in the Mormon Battalion as its next-to-youngest member to take the place of his sick elder brother. Another older brother, Meltiah, was solemnly charged by their father to take care of young Orin. He was in Company C, and one source said that Orin was a bugle boy with the Battalion.
As the Battalion marched to California, Orin fell deathly ill with scurvy. For three days, he was left behind on the trail to die, and at the end of each day’s march, Meltiah retraced his steps to bring his brother back to camp. Finally, an officer allowed Orin to ride on a horse; he was so weak he had to be tied in place. The Battalion raised the American flag in San Diego and Orin was one of the five men selected to secure the pole. The Hatch boys stayed in California through the winter and were there when gold was discovered. Family legend says that as they walked back east, Meltiah’s shoes wore out and Orin let him wear his, walking barefoot into the Salt Lake Valley.
They returned to Missouri and then helped their families cross the plains to Utah. Orin married Elizabeth Melissa Perry, and gave her a ring made from a California gold nugget. When he was called to colonize Carson Valley, Nevada, she was pregnant and refused to go. He took a second wife, Maria, who accompanied him. After two years in Nevada, Orin and Maria returned to Utah. He settled in Bountiful, and lived primarily with his first wife, although the two families were friendly and gathered for holiday celebrations. Orin farmed, raised sheep, formed the Deseret Live Stock Company, and was ordained a patriarch in 1899.
Despite his lost vision, Orin spent much time reading and studying and was well-acquainted with the scriptures. He was remembered for being gentle and kind, and a testimony to his parenting is the fact that all of his living children were married in the temple. At the time of his death of parenchymatous nephritis (a kidney inflammation), Orin had 111 grandchildren and eighteen great-grandchildren, and may have been the last surviving member of the Mormon Battalion. http://www.familytreerings.org/2011/05/happy-181st-birthday-orin-hatch-1830.html
For a more detailed account click on this link
or go to
Brief Overview of Elizabeth Melissa Perry (Hatch) Life... 1836-1908
My great great great gradfather Ira Sterns Hatch married Wealtha Bradford. This photo is of their first 4 children with their spouses. My ancestor is their 3rd child Orin Hatch with wife, Elizabeth Melissa Perry Hatch. Orin and Elzabeth's first child was my great great grandfather Orin Hatch who had Spencer Hatch, who had Howard Hatch, who had me! ♥
LIFE SKETCH OF Wealtha Bradford Hatch
On January 26, 1825 Ira Stearns married Wealtha Bradford, a daughter of Simeon Bradford and Martha True, who was born at Turner, Oxford, Maine in 1803. Wealtha was a direct descendant of William Bradford, the second Governor of the Plymouth Colony. This couple resided on the Hatch Farmstead at Farmersville, where the following seven children were born: Meltiah, July 15, 1825, Ransom, November 13, 1826, Orin, May 9, 1830, Rhoana, May 19, 1832, Ira, August 5, 1835, Ephraim, November 30, 1837, and Ancel, June 9, 1840.
Being averse to the intolerance of the religious leaders of the day and satisfied to live peaceful, honest, industrious lives, these people did not affiliate themselves with any religious sect. When the early missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were preaching the gospel to the Cattaraugus Indians, the Ira Stearns Hatch family had the privilege of hearing the gospel message and readily accepted it. Wealtha, who was the first to read the Book of Mormon and recognize it as truth, wished to join the Church immediately, but her husband advised waiting on the account of the persecutions. Ira and Wealtha were baptized in 1832, and were the only members of the Hatch family in those parts to join the unpopular faith.
Soon after this time the construction of the Kirtland Temple was commenced and they soon decided to make a contribution to it. Ira was also very eager to visit the Prophet Joseph and feel the spirit of the man, so they prepared to make the trip to Kirtland, taking their contribution of $200.00 with them. Three days were required to make the trip and upon arriving at Kirtland Ira inquired for the Prophet. After being informed that he could be found in the grove where they were cutting timber for the Temple, Ira Stearns made his way to that place. As he approached the workmen, one of them stuck his axe into a tree and came toward him. When close enough he shook the hand of Ira Stearns Hatch and said "Brother Hatch, I have been expecting you for three days; the money you have brought will be used to build the pulpit in the Temple." Thus, left with no chance for doubt, Ira Stearns Hatch was convinced that Joseph Smith was indeed a true Prophet, and his testimony was steadfast for the remainder of his life. No one in Kirtland was acquainted with Ira nor knew of his visit with the Prophet.
Ira returned to his home and in 1836 with his wife was given a blessing by Joseph Smith Sr. Later he returned to Kirtland to assist in the building of the Temple and on July 4, 1838 was ordained a Teacher in the Priesthood. In 1840 the family joined the Saints at a place near which the beautiful city of Nauvoo was to be founded. They lived at Eaton Farm on Job's Creek, Hancock, Illinois, at which place Wealtha was stricken and died on November 3, 1841, of a fever that was epidemic among the Saints. Thus leaving Ira with the responsibility of a family of young children.
By Edith Folsom Hatch (1937)
(not to be confused with my grandmother Edith Fearnley Hatch - although these two were good friends!)
Edited by Jason Hatch (2001)
The Life of Ira Stearns Hatch
Here, below, is a Brief Life Sketch of Orin Hatch (my Pioneer great great grandfather) from the memories of my Uncle Spencer (my dad Howard's older brother). *There might me a few more details in this account, so I add it.
I am in awe and have great respect for my AMAZING and righteous ancestors ♥♥♥
Although we were apart for many years of your life and to this day I am still praying we'll be a bigger part of each others lives more...I feel the same way as this man does.
I want for you Austin Spencer
I want for you Jordan Taylor
I want for you Christian Jacob
I want for you Andrew Sterling
I want for you Alexander Gabriel
I want for you Michael Aaron
In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
And the sky is clear and red,
When the summer's ceased its gleaming
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure's lost its meaning -
I'll be homeward bound in time
Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow
If you find it's me you're missing
If you're hoping I'll return,
To your thoughts I'll soon be listening,
And in the road I'll stop and turn
Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again
Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow (softly)
In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
I'll be homeward bound again.
He may be leaving for Argentina tomorrow....but that means he is that much closer to coming home also. ♥
We Love this young man and all he is becoming, but will be so excited when he is homeward bound!
(he is the one in the black sweater)
Elder Holler is growing up fast these days.
He has been out on his own (kinda) in the Provo MTC for 5 weeks now, learning, studying, teaching and enjoying his stay.
He has matured so fast, from what we can see on his emails (or letters) which he sends home to us.
We are sure missing him!
He was our BIG helper around the house.
Below, are some sweet pictures we got from him and others, this past week. (Finally)
Also below, I will attach parts of his letters he has written and sent to us.
We are sooooo proud of this amazing young man and the maturity we are seeing out of him. What an awesome young man.
Truly a real blessing in all of our lives!!
My niece, Jessica Charters, the Holler boys cousin, is engaged to be married just this week to her fiance Dallin McKenzie. (I will attach photos below of their engagement last Saturday)
He works at the Provo MTC, and LOOK who he ran into this week!!! (and had a pic taken of them)
This is our first photo of Alex at the MTC, since he embarked on his great service adventure 5 weeks ago.
We were THRILLED to get this from thoughtful Jessica this past week!!! Yay!!!!
Above, you see a photo that some nice stranger took of Elder Holler and his companion Elder Boynton going into the LDS Temple last Saturday.
This person then text me this cute photo of these two awesome young Missionaries.
I LOVED IT!
Then, because Alex finally got a USB cord for his Camera, he was able to download some pics. on Saturday, and send us these photos of him and of some of the people he is spending most of his days with. Mostly other Missionaries.
Some of them are of him and his companion, whom he rooms with there at the Provo MTC.
Elder Boynton is going to the same place as Alex, to Argentina!
*If you would like to send Alex anything through the mail. Tuesday or Wednesday is really the last day you can send him something in the snail mail, as he is going to Argentina soon!! He is SO excited to begin his adventure in a new beautiful Country!
"Hello my beautiful (best mom) and Dad!!!
I hope you felt the sincerity in the words I said. I love and miss you two sooo mcuh. It's really is tough. And yes, we really committed her to baptism. So it's really exciting.
The Lord will guide me to those he knows are ready to accept the gospel. It will be a great mission. I know that It won't be because of me. it's because of the spirit.
I was difficult as a child but, I was just a child. That reminds me of a scripture. 1st Corinthians Chapter 13 Verse 11, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." I am a man now.
I am excited to fly out. And the month has flown by for me. I can't believe how long it has been. Don't forget to tell those people that I said Hi.
And I am sending pictures. I have attached my flight plan, and a bunch of pictures.
Love you so much, and Dad so much.
Sincerely Elder holler, your baby.
I love you"
More family News!
~Jessica Charters and Dallin McKenzie get engaged!!
(on Nov. 11th)
We all have burdens in life.
Those that help us grow and stretch ourselves into Greater beings. Become MORE, than when we came to Earth with.
Now that my youngest son, Alexander, if finally out on his own (on a Mission where they watch out for him) my responsibility of Motherhood worrying is becoming much lighter these days. (notice I did not say less work)
Yes, we always worry and care for our offspring, even when they are 50 years old. However now that my children, (all young men) are all out on their own, a great burden of worry has started to disappear from my life.
It is very wonderful.
My son, Alex, came into this world with a powerful spirit to 'divide'. To divide that which is NOT spiritually connected. It worked with his biological dad, Bernd and I. It was God's way of saving me...or all of us. So he must learn to use it wisely.
I don't think it was unintentional that Alex was 'sent' by his dad, Bernd, to Rudy and I. However difficult Alex was to deal with while we raised him, God was with us, and we were able to handle this extremely amazing, rambunctious child. No matter how much division he brought into our home, the lasting truth is that he could not divide Rudy and I, because we are Eternal soulmates and our union is one of a spiritual nature. (based on no time or space) A relationship that are connected on a deep spiritual level. NOT just a physical level. Raising children is no picnic, (even if there are great rewards) but we showed ourselves and the world around us that yes indeed our marriage was and is eternal.
Brother Acosta did not come into mine and my children's lives just to 'rescue' me from physical demises that Bernd Holler and others (myself included) were making sure we were going through. Yes, Silvio did help physically save me, in many ways, however, his real purpose was to save me (and my loved ones) spiritually, first and foremost.
(No matter HOW much others do NOT see this, or understand this)
So, you see, over many years as each of my beloved children (sons) have come into adulthood, able to receive their own personal revelations and inspiration to choose the right and eternal happiness, or not, I have had more and more of that responsibility and worry lifted from my shoulders, and it has made me a more joyful person, finally feeling more and more at peace.
I have just been feeling more of this lately, now that Alex is out of the 'nest', so I thought I would share this JOY or tell others about it today.
Sometimes I beat myself up, and wish I had done more to teach my children how to keep their bodies clean, holy, and unspotted from the world, and how to keep their minds protected and full of truth ever learning more light and eternal knowledge....but I did my best with what I was given, and with what small avenues I was allowed to teach them, and I hope and pray it will be enough for them to choose the right and live exemplary lives. Only time will tell.
This glorious Autumn season is bringing me great joy and I am deeply grateful for it and for my life.
(This unusually warm weather we've had all month hasn't hurt either) 😉
Today, is Veterans day, where we celebrate those who SERVED to protect us and make us FREE to live lives of freedom and amazing goodness.
The one greatest Veteran I can think of on this wonderful day, is my Mother!
My mother, although did not serve in the 'armed' service, was not only born on this day of Nov. 11th, but boy was she ever a drill Sargent kind of parent, with all of us 8 children, if I've ever seen one. (not to forget that my dad is an awesome colonel in the Air Force too)
She was strict, kept her ship (home) spotless, and all of us in order... just like a General. She was classy, organized, and a good example all around of one who fought for righteousness all the days of her life!!
I am so proud to have come from such a GREAT lady, indeed.
To this day, I can feel her presence working hard to protect, watch over, and guide us, and her grandchildren.
Happy Birthday (and Veterans day) Mom, in Heaven (the spirit world around us), we love and miss you. 😘
Yesterday, I went to my local post office and met a very old man all dressed in his best Military uniform. We talked a bit. He said that close by, at the Park, they were going to have a Veteran Program starting soon. So, I headed over there and this is what I found. Within 20 mins, a program started with laying a big rose wreath at the headstone, with children singing etc., planes flying overhead, and some of the best feelings this weekend. (Rudy missed it). It was very cool.
( "Happy Veterans day to my children. Please honor those who sacrificed so much in life to help us be free. Freedom and your lives were and never are free.")
(Luckily I had my camera with me, so this is some of it below)
Great timing, in the program, on the planes flying over while the children are singing!!! (WOW)
Family and Friends....
Stay TRUE to the cause....
Justice, Truth and Freedom!
Be That Friend - Lyrics
(click on the song below to download)
Well your friends know what's right and your friends know what's wrong
And your friends all know sometimes its hard to choose.
But the friend who helps you see where your choices will lead
Is the kind of friend you never want to lose.
It's that friend who leads with love, doesn't push, doesn't shove
Just reminds you of the truth you've always known.
Then does more than just talk, takes your hand and starts to walk
By your side along the road that leads back home.
And this friend seems to see all the great things you'll be
Even when some things you do would prove him wrong.
But he always believes that the real you he sees
Is a champion he's simply cheering on.
And the love that you feel from a friend that is real
Is more powerful than anything on earth.
For it lifts and it grows and it strengthens and flows
It's what allows the soul to feel just what they're worth.
So many lives are changed by knowing
that your love can keep on growing
and never has to end...Forever friends
(So many lonely souls are calling
and a brighter star would not be falling
if only they had a friend
a real friend)
Everyone hopes to find one true friend who's the kind
They can count on for forever and a day.
Be that friend, be that kind that you prayed you might find
And you'll always have a best friend, come what may
When divorcing myself from my worldly life and from those surrounding me, or those leading me, on this dark and soul losing path, back in 2001, I began to witness that this choice had created some extreme negativity out of my ex husband. Why?
Especially when he learned that I was going to re-marry a Spiritual and Godly (notice I did not say religious) man.
It was at this point that he threatened me with the one thing that he knew I loved more than ANYTHING on this Earth...my children.
What he may not have estimated was the LOVE I had for God (not another Earthly man) and for what direction God was leading me (to happiness) and at what costs I was willing to stay on that Eternal path, which leads to Eternal Happiness. This is approx. when my ex took custody of my children, under the extreme duress I was being put through by others, mainly my ex.
From that moment on I noticed that his focus was then turned to then destroy these innocent victims that I loved. Whether he did it intentionally or not, is between him and God, however, this is what I saw, I felt and what God tells me. He believed that this was the best way to make me suffer.
Upon having custody of our 5 relatively well behaved (except for Alexander who is a fireball for good) children, my ex was furious! He hated God and himself and our children, who were half me. Others testified of this fact and I did not want to believe it. Others to this day may deny these facts, but I believe what I have been shown and told or witnessed over decades now.
At first, I couldn't not understand this mindset until I read a book all about his personality and then my eyes were opened.
Recently, I learned that my ex (who never wanted to parent 5 or 6 children) had sent 3 of these beloved young men to boarding schools while they were teens, during a time that he knew that I was begging to have custody of them since I loved my children and I was well qualified, had a loving home, and was very educated to raise them in a good and Godly home.
However, after years of denying this fact, it was finally pounded into my knowing that my ex was determined to punish me for divorcing ourselves from his worldly ways and so he took it out on our offspring. The boarding school was one way to do this.
Learning of their boarding school years, I again, recently, cried all over again as I did when I learned of my first child, Jordan, being sent there, many years ago.
As I was waking in the early hours of the morning today and when feeling closest to the Spirit world and I am able to receive most of my inspiration and clarity of thought, I pondered this subject and this is what God (or the spiritual world around us) taught me.
~When my oldest became too much for his father to handle, he quickly moved on (or out) at the young age of 16 1/2, he tells me, to college. I saw where he moved to and it made me cry for the humble circumstances he had to put himself into, just to gain his independence.
When my second oldest child, became of age of nearing adulthood, he too became too much for my ex ( my ex being an only child, ill equip to parent, who had been severely abused as an child himself, from the stories I was told by him, and by what I witnessed myself) to handle these young men. Thus, years after the fact I discovered that he had sent this 2nd child to a boarding school thousands of miles away from me and his dad's home and other siblings. This made me extremely sad for my sons needless suffering. It does not mean that he did not gleam some good out of it, as we all can from our circumstances.
There, Jordan had posted that he had been a very difficult child beforehand, and that this boarding school had subdued his arrogant ways even though it was difficult. Later, he privately testified that he had had religion FORCED down his throat at this boarding school, and that because of this, he will NEVER get near religion or truth ever again. Just sad.
It sounded as though even anything remotely appearing 'spiritual' had soured him, and it would be rejected by this suffering young man, as well, because he now combined spirituality with this dogmatic religion or traumatic experience. Which is NOT the same gentle, genuine, Godly Spirit or real love, or Spiritual atmosphere that my children experienced upon being born into my home and their knowing of truth which they felt in my home.
You see, a Zelot Christian religion, or even the famous Catholic Church'es, had had truth thousands of years ago, but have now lost the power of God and have turned into dogmatic, ritualistic, and pagan religions, with no power from God to act in his name. It is cold, loveless, and as I said, dogmatic. Yes, they may teach some truths but with WHAT power or authority do they have? Where can you find REAL power? The kind that Jesus used to do miracles? If you search deep, the answer may surprise you!!
My ex (is no fool) and he knew this, because he knew where to find TRUE power of God, he had experience it himself. Now he was sending his sons to a place that would be so foreign to their souls and so traumatic to them that they would be so bitter, that they would turn from even the paths that could lead them to true sources or real avenues that would eventually lead them to a life full of Gods eternal love, power and deep Eternal happiness.
BUT WHY, you may ask?
As I said, this fulfilled his desire to 'punish' me and our offspring who are half me. I would not believe this, if it wasn't for a loving Heavenly Father or Spiritual world who has gently over many years opened my eyes and understanding of this. My ex's bitter goal is to turn our offspring completely away from anything remotely resembling the truth and love he once felt because he is ashamed of what he lost and has turned from the LIGHT and TRUTH and miracles that he once knew, felt and acknowledged. I saw miracles with my own eyes with him!
Did he ever have a real testimony of these truths?
I PRAY that he did not, because to know light and truth and then DENY it....whoa, I would NOT want to be him!!!!
I have witnessed how he hopes that he may have even turned my tenderly loved children from even just their desire(s) to find eternal truths or eternal happiness! Oh how my heart aches.
(I didn't want to believe he was even capable of doing this to our offspring. I did not believe it at first. How could I have been so blind?)
For years I did not want to believe this, accept this could be happening, or even acknowledge I could have been married to someone who was so heartless and even capable of doing this to innocent children, and his own at that!
I was in denial.
Maybe because it meant that I had to take responsibility to own that I had blinded myself to these facts and also had to be responsible for what my children were going through. It ripped my heart to shreds... for my deeply loved children who during those years could only rely on the Spiritual world around them to protect them, give them real revelation, and then trust God like never before.
It was so difficult as a mother to witness what I was even allowed to know about. The very few levels I was allowed to witness it on over many years that I was alienated out of their personal AND public lives!! (I suppose God was protecting my tender and vulnerable heart) You see, what little I did know about killed me. LITERALLY!!
Trust me, even I acknowledge MY OWN stupidity or follies of allowing myself to blindly turn from the light and knowledge I had gained during my youth and 20's. Then, really turning my back on God shortly before my divorce to the extreme, just before my divorce, just so I could have the needed courage to separate myself from the worldly ties and cords that I had put MYSELF into and I had slowly bound my own soul to a sure Hell, or sure spiritual death. (despite the warnings from a loving Father In Heaven, who I had not learned to trust)
Thankfully God was merciful enough to show me my soon to be demise, just before I slipped over this spiritually deadly edge.
As mentioned in other posts on my blog, I was too much in love with the worldly comforts that were enticing me to keep my mouth shut and do nothing!! So, you see, I DO take responsibility for many things and I am heart broken about it. However, what is truly the most important thing here IS, did I do an about face and turn from my childish ways and repent???
Yes, and I have suffered... but in the long run, it will be worth it !!
God is patient and over many years he has opened my eyes to the truth and has taught me of the bitterness that my ex has endured and then extended to the ones that I love, just to spread his bitterness and pain. We both got ourselves into this path of destruction. We both must take responsibility! However I would have never guessed that my bitter companion would (instead of repenting) would now work against me and God in hoping that his pain would become 'their' pain and continue the curse he brought upon himself and dumped on others.
Over many long, suffering, terrible dark and dreary days and nights to this day, I have now forgiven him and myself for our wicked or childish follies and have moved on to better and brighter days ahead. Hopefully somehow or someway my children were able to glean truth at this far way, unfamiliar boarding school called Mooseheart, even if it was a path that my children were never intended to have to endure.
WHY do I write these things today?
Upon pondering these thoughts this morning, God showed me that the reason why my bitter ex had sent his sons to this Christian ruled boarding school was in fact that through the process of forcing a somewhat Godless and dogmatic religion down my sons throats, so that hopefully they would be very fearful of searching for happiness where REAL truth could be found, especially if a certain religion or vehicle was spreading real TRUTH.
I pray that these were not his intentions and that maybe deep down in his heart, he does NOT know what he is doing or that he may have been trying to help his children find God without giving up his evil pride of not returning to where he KNOWS real eternal truth is found. ??
Sure, good works, kind deeds, and fleeting moments of feeling Gods Spirit, CAN happen most anywhere that people are gathered who are trying to be good or Godly people. Don't get me wrong, this can happen sparingly. However, it is not that real, Eternal love, lasting power, and Eternal or lasting happiness I speak of. That which I have felt and can testify of!
An organization or religion (a vehicle or way where real happiness or truths can be shared with others, hoping to single out the elect or those who know Gods voice and ARE his children) can not force God to be found in it. You can not force God to be in your presence or a MAN MADE religion or organization!
A religion can not stand eternally without the power of God found in it. Some, lots, or all.
On the opposite cord, God and truth however CAN exist without a religion to share it. Thus, I find I am not a 'religious' person as much as I am Spiritual first. Been this way, all my life. I can separate the two.
So, what if there were a religion or vehicle out there on this Earth, which HAD or HAS truth and the Power of God to act in His name (doing Miracles) and this was their way to spread this truth? This was the 'vehicle' God found Himself in MOST, because the organization LIVED Gods commandments and he was bound to give the Promises made to his children?
WHAT if such an organization/religion existed?
Wouldn't Truth seekers be excited to know MORE about it?
Would you have enough self esteem or intelligence to search for it...or open to listen to its revelations?
Or would you be so soured by life's experiences that a bitter parent put you through to bring about their own wicked desires, that your heart would be closed?
The Spirit of God must work through our intelligence and knowledge. AND those who seek the praises of the world and FAME or grand Success outside of their own spiritual growth and relationship with God show to others and will find out eventually that NO success like this will compensate for the failure to have this eternal bond with his Father In Heaven!
As I said, demonized religion is only a 'vehicle' to bring some, lots, or ALL truth and priesthood power to Gods children in this mortal and dreary Earth. Miracles must be wrought through real POWER. (not man made self entitled power!)
God showed me that my ex's bitter intentions were to force down the throats of our innocent children a Godless religion which would in turn confuse them and/or sour their desires to know God and reject even a religion or vehicle or path which may or may not carry God's truth.
They would be too scared based on their painful youth to even be open to these paths. Places where they would eventually FIND and FEEL Gods real power, love, and truth, just as he, Bernd Holler, had gained in this lifetime, and did experience... and is now without, and eventually let go of and lost.
( the ole saying is true.....bitterness / misery loves company)
and "It was pride that changed angels into devils, and humility that makes men as angels."
Just as my husband did to me when I was married to him. He worked and worked and worked to drive the godliness out of me. Sad, but true. I trusted him, I fell for the worldly comforts he lavished me with, and because of that, I nearly lost my soul. You see, I can look back and see over time how and what he used to do this on me.
Unfortunately, NOW I can see HOW he is doing it to my loved children, while they have been raised by him or by others who do not have the same deep eternal love only a mother has for her offspring and her desire for them to find true happiness, and to not see them be punished for no reason. I can PRAY for them.
In my own life, I found with the help of a loving Heavenly Father, that No matter how much of the worldliness, religious vomit, or making me feel (or making my children feel) like the scum of the Earth, my ex Bernd Holler has used against me or them, and I would allow him to do to me, or to them, the one thing I put my foot down on was ...he could not take my soul.
Trust me, he nearly did, until I had the courage to say, ENOUGH in 2001!
(*took me about 2 years of wavering back and forth at that time to free myself, mainly because I cared so deeply for Bernd Holler's welfare and I wanted to make sure I was making the correct decisions that I would never regret)
This was shortly after the time when I finally felt my soul was dying and I had actually felt enough courage to SAVE IT, so I knew what I must do, I HAD TO separate myself from the one person who was leading me astray, including myself, and was free to find God again, and beg Him to guide and direct my life again, as I did when I was young. It was incredibly hard to LET GO!!!
If you live a worldly and free life, you know how HARD this can be and is for those who have REAL strength and determination to be the BEST.
I knew that I had felt His power in the LDS Church growing up and during many years I was an adult and 1st married and went to the LDS Temple often.
So, I quickly went back to the LDS Church hoping to find some sense of peace and a path back to my Father in Heaven. The place I had felt and learned the most truth in my entire life. This 'vehicle' had the opportunities to SERVE, and I soon discovered that it was through this 'Service' that my soul was going to be saved.
I quickly learned that YES, the people in any religion were imperfect, but many of them at this Mormon one were trying to live the truth and live the purest Gospel of Jesus Christ there is to be found on this Earth. It was a start. It was the Rolls Royce in vehicles in finding truth and lasting happiness!
That is a bold statement that I do NOT take lightly.
However, over my 50 year existence the LDS vehicle has been the ONE vehicle which had brought me MORE TRUTH than any other place I have discovered thus far. I can testify to the truth of this.
This is one reason WHY I am so confident about sending my son Alexander out into the world to share this truth with others and then through his Service he will also have the means to save his own soul.
Yes, truth can be found in other places but a concentration of it of it is found here, in its modern prophets revelations, in its members personal revelations and in the shared books or scriptures, which are found here.
Why do I write all this today??
**When packing my son for his Mission to teach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the Argentinians, his Missionary packing list suggested that he pack 4 amazing life changing books that he should not only read himself, but will share with others, if inspired.
I have two of them here at home. I opened one particular book in this stack of 4 and am very curious to start to read this. Why? Because I want to gleam truth wherever it is found. You would think that I would have read this book by now, however, even books you have ought to have read as a child, or seem childish, can bring new insight, if read as an adult as well.
It is my testimony and witness that I have found very real truth, which leads to Spiritual happiness or Eternal happiness through the LDS Church, its articles, and the Book of Mormon. There is even more truth to be found just by being separate from the world and being in tune with God, through Service, being humble, and letting go of pride and thinking that you know it all and then listening to your heart with a fine tuned ear.
I am thankful for a place where this is taught and for a place where others around you LIVE IT, and then it continually reminding you to find your own revelations and growth, instead of hindering you with dogma.
I pray that my sons will let go of the evil they were taught or may have had pounded into them in their teen years, a letting go of dogma which could stifle their search for happiness, which is really found inside of them, which will then let God guide them on their search for real happiness, real truth, Priesthood power, and Eternal love.
Hopefully they will not lose their souls to the world, or to their lack of self esteem or by surrounding themselves by someone or others who have a mission to destroy their souls or Eternal happiness. May they listen to their still small voice warn them of those who may do this to them.
May they have the courage to stand on their own and surround themselves with 'holy' (that means separated from the filth of this world) people. People who love God first and are there to lend them a helping hand only and are not controlling them.
With all of this said, I still confess my weaknesses and my lack of understanding all of Gods ways and pray that my children and all of us can gain our own revelations through the Holy Ghost whispering truths to our own hearts and minds.
I pray these blessings upon them and upon all of us, in the name of Jesus Christ.
(Here is the book, below, which I spoke of, which I will read soon. Which has struck my mind and heart currently ~ especially because when a person finds happiness, he too wants to share that with others.)
My husband and I have already started to read this book below. We use it to gain truths, and then our own revelations about Jesus the Christ and his exemplary life and Holy example which we can glean from it and use in our own lives.
It reads or appeals to the very intelligent and to the humblest of readers. VERY excellent reading!
These other two books below are short and worthy, or a good reading also! (they are the same which Alex carries)
Pre-Ordained? I think so!
This handsome young man was dropped off at the MTC today!
At exactly 1:11 pm (He was born on 1:11 am) he headed into the building of this Training Center after some nice photos near the Provo LDS Temple, and saying goodbye to us.
Made me cry a bit, but I was super happy for him and the blessings and joy this journey will bring him and us! ♥
(side note; it was exactly 14 years ago to this very day that I was reunited with my soul mate Brother Acosta also. VERY interesting!)
Mom, Elder Holler, and Dad Acosta
Elder Alexander Holler in front of the LDS Provo Temple, next to the MTC.
Good bye for two years Elder Holler - You'll be missed.
At exactly 1:11 pm our youngest son, Elder Holler, has begun his new life and great adventure. We are so proud of him!
Mom and Dad Acosta go to the Provo Temple grounds afterwards to sit, relax, ponder and talk about our future. The warm Autumn vibrant colors of Fall and the spectacular mountains were gorgeous!
Young Missionaries on their P-Day (Preparation Day) were coming and going in and out of this lovely Temple. They were all wholesome, good looking and excellent young people. Alex is now one of them.
After this quite and peaceful enjoyment of this lovely place, we headed up the Provo Canyon a few minutes away to go see the Bridal Veil Falls.
It was pretty cool.
Immediately after we drop Elder Holler off, 26 mins, we got this email below, from Alex at the MTC, on our phone.
" Having fun already! There's been a lot of information to absorb. It's all a bit confusing, but I know I can do it with a bit of faith. Spanish class has already started and it's tricky. But I'm having fun. I will email when I can. My P days are on Saturday, so I guess I email again then."
~Mother of 6 Handsome Sons.
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