How I Changed from a Toxic Mom-Manager to an Encouraging Soul Builder
There was a time in my life when I barked orders more often than I spoke words of love … when I reacted to small everyday inconveniences as if they were major catastrophes … when normal human habits and quirks raised my blood pressure to dangerous levels.
Rather than nurturing my family members, I took it upon myself to manage my family members until there was no room to bend or breathe....
Read the full article here-
Better yet, WHO doesn't love being in the beautiful LDS St. George Temple, while in St. George Utah!
Its gorgeous inside. ♥
My Relief Society friends and I drove down together (in one SUV) to S. G. and attended a session in this amazing historical Temple.
Then, we went out to lunch afterwards to Olive Garden, and then off to Costco for some shopping.
What a fun fun fun day!!
He sent from on high, he took me;
he drew me out of many waters.
He rescued me from my strong enemy
and from those who hated me,
for they were too mighty for me.
They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
Can hardly believe I am in my 50's! Time goes by way too fast.
Here I am enjoying my beautiful Sunday with family friends and lots of well wishes, gifts etc.
I just want to say Thank you for all the delightful 'Birthday Wishes' everyone ...its been a fantastic day.
"THANK YOU!!" for the Gifts, Cards, Cupcakes, Meals, Birthday Balloons, Good Wishes, Clothes, Donations, Hugs, Kisses,Candy,etc.etc.... Rudy, Howard, Brad, Melissa, Susanne, Cami, Sandy, DUP friends, Cheryl etc. etc.
♥Sure feeling loved ♥😘😘😘😘😘😘😘
Below I would like to post just some of the many many wonderful comments people left me online and in cards today...
Happy Birthday Lisa! Enjoy your special day <3
Happy Birthday Lisa !Sure hope you have a beautiful day ! Xo
Happy Happy Birthday Lisa :)))
Happy birthday toooo you!! You’re the best friend ever. Love you sooo much.
Happy Birthday, Lisa! 🎉🎁🎂💜
Happiness today and all year Birthday girl 🎂🎂🎂
Have a great day sweet friend :)
Happy Birthday Beautiful! Hope your day is amazing!!
Anna Isabelle Andrianis
Happy Birthday 🎉🎊🎂🎁 same day as my little one
Happy Birthday Sis. Acosta!
Happy Birthday Lisa! Hope you have an amazing day!
Happy birthday have a wonderful day beautiful friend.
Happy Birthday Lisa I hope you have a very special day. Love you
Happy Birthday Lisa 🎂🌟💥😎💕💥🎂
Happy Birthday! We got you something. Love ya.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a mighty fine gal! Love you and so glad you came into my life!!!!
Julaine Black Hubenthal
Happy Birthday, Lisa! I hope your day was fabulous!
...And ends with KNOWING. One of my favorite songs, sung SO beautifully, by 3 beautiful young women!
Sung in Provo, Utah (where I grew up)
Brings tears to my eyes and chills down my spine, every time....
As with all alienated mothers, the Holidays hit us the hardest!
We dream of times when our children were small and full of innocence and love.
We pray deeply that someday it will be like this again. That they remember where REAL love can be found.
I may not be a perfect mother, but at least I have genuine and sincere love in my heart (and always have) for ALL my children. As a female, I am sad that my sons will never experience this for themselves.
(This sweet video below describes my EXACT feelings each time I first met and held one of my babies!! I just love it ♥
Amazingly, I still feel this same awe and wonder for their tender souls.)
*If my children want to 'KNOW' and 'FEEL' what it was like for ME, to meet, and hold, each one of them for the first time.....
just take a peek at this little girl and her expressions....
I can SOOOOO relate! ♥
(awe, the price of love)
♥ This is one of my favorite songs, by Janice Kapp Perry
so, I put it together with my favorite photos, by Greg Olsen.
It is called Melancolie. And it is heartbreakingly beautiful.
The artwork created by Albert György (living in Switzerland, but born in Romania) can be found in Geneva in a small park on the promenade (Quai du Mont Blanc) along the shore of Lake Geneva.
Millions (more than 11 million people) have viewed it from Facebook, so we wanted to take a few moments and share more about the sculpture and artist.
György was born in Romania in 1949. He lived in isolation and sadness after his first wife died, so he understands grief. He was given what he calls in reports – a second slope of his life where he is able to enjoy freedom.
The sculptor developed a special alloy of copper and tin which he used for his work.
His work is revered by many and I found this quote about his work – “In its complexity and diversity, the visionary art of Albert György testifies to a personal dialectic between suffering and happiness. Nothing decorative or talkative in this game of creative tension leading to a living alloy, imbued with the purest necessity.”
The incredible, heartbreaking artwork is extremely touching and very emotional. Reading the comments on the Facebook Post are heartbreaking and show the power of love. A mother’s love. A father’s love. Grandparent’s love. Love of siblings, friends and strangers. The thought of losing a child is unimaginable – but for many, it’s all too real and some have written that this sculpture depicts how they feel – an emptiness. John Maddox wrote,
“We may look as if we carry on with our lives as before. We may even have times of joy and happiness. Everything may seem “normal”. But THIS, “Emptiness” is how we all feel…all the time.”
The highest, holiest calling in the world
I have been taught, and feel (or rather know), that Motherhood is an essential part of a woman’s eternal identity. Whether we have children of our own or not, women have been given the divine role of 'motherhood'.
I always knew growing up that I would be a mother, and I was determined that I would be the BEST mother I could be. I learned more than most from my own mother who was raising 8 children and doing it rather successfully I might add. On top of this, I was raised in a Faith (LDS Church) that greatly valued motherhood and taught me eternal traits and characteristics of mothering and how this could help me reach my highest potential.
Growing up in the very 'family oriented' State of Utah, where Motherhood was praised and esteemed, this too gave me the advantages to take many courses (or schooling) throughout my life, which prepared me for this calling of motherhood.
I always knew (instinctively) that I was (somehow) going to have 6 children. My soul told me this. I had told my boyfriend, Bernd Holler, while dating that if we were to marry, I would like to have 6 children. He said that he preferred only 2. I said, "Would you compromise with 3?" He said he would think about it. This told me that he was willing to go with the flow of things and that somehow God would decide. I was fine with this.
I dated a few young men who would make fine fathers and showed potential in mirroring my main goals of finding a husband or father who would compliment my desires to be the best mother I could be for having a family and being supportive by someone who agreed with my same goals. At the time, this seemed to be Mr. Holler, who convinced me that his goals were to make ME happy, support me and my lofty and righteous desires and goals of creating and raising a righteous offspring and achieving my important and highest place of Honor. I believed him.
Thus, I agreed to marry him and make him my companion for life and even possibly for Eternity, if we would hold true to our 'commitments', 'covenants' and then endure doing this, until God or Eternal laws made it so. We were given every opportunity. Sadly I did not understand at the time that it was about 'winning' in Mr. Hollers mind and heart, more than the duty to God.
So, then began our journey of bringing life or souls into this little family and fulfilling our potentials. I, specifically, being able to be a mother of great love, happiness, divine guidance in each child, and fulfilling my desires to make God pleased with me and my special calling.
I always held the calling of Motherhood in GREAT esteem! (did I already mention this?) AND, I always knew that this process was to involve God, or the Spirit world (or Universal energy of Love if you will).
As I grew into adulthood, I took courses of skills and development that would help in this calling. I took cooking classes, sewing classes, and child development courses, just to name a few. I also took careful mental notes of how my own mother and grandmothers 'mothered'... and made mental notes of what I would do different or the same. My mother and grandmothers were clean, thrifty, honest, religious, strong, faithful, Spiritual, kind, handy, clever, moral and very giving, just to name a few.
I had excellent role models!
I just knew that because I had thought I had chosen a husband who would support this same cause or outcome, that I was in for a life of honorable mothering, no matter what came my way! I was excited about it too!
Sadly, I had forgotten to involve God in letting Him pick an 'eternal companion' FOR ME, and instead had made this decision based on what I THOUGHT would make a good husband and was naive or bullied a bit into this decision. I told God who I was going to marry...instead of the other way around. This would later unfold to teach me a lesson or two. (or more). I was spoiled and somehow thought that this would somehow extend to my children and that this would somehow make a good father for my children. He had many good qualities so how could we go wrong?
As I began motherhood with my first child, Austin, and I was thrilled beyond belief. Sure there were 'red flags' with my marital relationship, but WHY focus on those, when you have a precious bundle of pure JOY in your arms and it was easier to focus on this then on the reality that I was living with someone who was now starting so show that in reality he did NOT have the same spiritual or lofty goals as I did, he was not who he had portrayed himself to be, and now it (in my mind) was too late to back out.
So, I focused on this honorable calling of mother instead, and tried my best to involve God in every decision I made with this little innocent human being and also with all the others who would follow or be added over the years. I encouraged my husband to do the same. Now looking back, I see that most of his involvement was to keep me happy and in the failing marriage.
I DELIGHTED in Motherhood, and my husband KNEW it! He could use this JOY to subtly 'threaten' as a way to make me conform to his goals and his worldliness. Those things that I did not know were a part of him before we got married. Those goals that he had hide from me, that deep down were NOT a part of me and my eternal goals.
So, I buried these red flags, and decided it was easier to go with the flow then to cause pain for my self and my excitement of Motherhood. I didn't realize that if I did not correct this in my life that sadly it would ONLY GET WORSE, the more children that would be involved in the situation. Still, I was a pacifist. I didn't rock the boat easily. I was comfortable and I did NOT like contention!
Over the many years of ignoring my failing marriage, I instead dove myself into being an excellent mother, hoping that this would save my marriage. I focused on the wonderful qualities my husband did have trying to cover up his faults. He was very good in so many ways, it was easy to do. My husband didn't want a failed marriage either.
So, my unhappy marital heart was being filled with the happiness of Motherhood instead, and my husband knew that IF he could keep this part of me happy, I would stay in the marriage, and all things on the outside appeared wonderful, even if my heart was not happy with the lack of eternal bond that was not between us and growing distant more and more. I used to blame a lot of it on him, since he KNEW better and hid a lot of the real him from me. I was too naive to understand.
However, today, I can see my role in the relationship and its pitfalls and do blame myself just as much, of course. For not being stronger, more Godly, and for not standing up for my heart.
I still carry a weight of guilt and am learning to let go of it and find happiness living in my current life. (more on that later)
Over the many years of giving birth to children, having one die, and going through the ups and downs of Motherhood, I would have to admit that I mostly LOVED almost every minute of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Some mothers really struggle but I found even joy in the struggle because I somehow knew that this precious calling of motherhood was a blessing, GIFT, and of GREAT Value!!
( I need to explain something here. Please bear with me.
Have you ever heard of the story, "How to boil a frog in cool water"? Well, that was me in my marriage with Mr. Holler.
It goes like this:
If you put a frog in hot water, it will just jump out. If you put it in cool water, it will sit there and enjoy the water. Then, if you put a small flame under the pot of water and sloooowly turn up the heat, the frog will not know that the water is getting warmer and warmer, until the water is boiling and the frog is dead! Looking back on my life, I can compare this analogy with my own marriage to Mr. Holler. You see, I was convinced that my husband was a person who wanted to please God and that he and I could do this relationship of same goals together and raise a righteous family and Godly relationship. I did not know that he had hidden flaws or other hidden desires, that would prove otherwise. I understand 'Why' he would hide this, since the possibility of a 'good life' with a good wife who would make an excellent Mother for his offspring, or for the two of us, was too tempting to take, instead of earn or deserve. I had my faults too, so I don't ignore those.
So, I jumped into the cool comfortable waters of marriage with Mr. Holler thinking that it was rather 'pleasant' and pretty Great, if you asked me. Then, as time went by, slowly the heat of our marriage, or the truth of 'who' Mr. Holler really was, began to surface. I had a choice to either deal with it or continue to sit in the now 'warm water' of our relationship. I chose to stay in the warm water, thinking that it would go (somehow) back to being the cool water we began this journey in. Trust me, I am just as much at fault as he is and I do not blame him entirely. As the years went by, my husband and I grew apart and the water got hotter and hotter. He began to choose worldly fun, and I could either bail out (which I had been taught was the wrong thing to do) or I could participate in his life and world. Being to comfortable like the frog.... I chose to stay.
Soon, in the year 2000, God was kind enough to show me that my choices and my husband choices were leading us to sure Spiritual death. I saw my light of Christ which resides in my soul, beginning to die (just like the frog about to die) and I knew that if I were to save my soul, I would have to JUMP SHIP (or get out of the pot of almost boiling water!) I saw this vision in my mind. It was real.
I did tell my husband that I needed to separate myself from him, and after a few years of fighting me, he finally understood that it was not worth lying to me or trying to convince me of what was NOT real, and we finally separated in Summer of 2001, with his continued lies that he would still be my friend and that he would at least keep his promises in doing what was right by me and by our offspring. We had many conversations of this, over many months, and I wholeheartedly believed him, even then. And this is how I can compare it to this story or analogy of How to Boil a Frog in cool water.)
As much as I desired a righteous father for my children, I desired it to be Mr. Holler, I really did, but God was showing me that it was not going to be him and that I needed to free myself from him. I did not know what was in store. I just knew I had to jump ship, or out of the hot water before I spiritually DIED. I know many of you reading this can not understand. However, it was as real as you and I.
I did not know what was in my future. I really did not. I just knew that I needed to be away from the deter-mental influences of Bernd Holler. Maybe his influences would be fine for a different person, but for me, it was leading me away from God, from my eternal Christ-like inner compass, and I could not have that any longer. I really believed that he would allow me to continue to mother our offspring in peace and co-operation. This sadly would prove to be untrue just shortly after he convinced me to file for divorce based on his new girlfriend, Terry's, advice.
The years after our separation, I desired, hoped for, prayed for, believed in, and voiced my need for him to be friends and stay benevolent to each other. Maybe I was unreasonable to him in his eyes, now that I had a voice, and that my opinion and heartfelt decisions were equal to his, now that I was not longer his wife, but only the mother to his children. He began to frustrate me and our co-parenting and this in turn made me very upset and as much as I tried to communicate to him, he would NOT listen. His mind and heart was for his new girlfriend and AGAINST me. I was floored!!!
I was no longer the quiet mouse who did as she was told. I was my own person again, and I noticed that he could not control me and/or ALL the parenting decisions and this angered him.
It was either his way or the high way. I felt that he wanted to have me back, submissive, doing all he told me to do, and to continue to turn me into the person he had always wanted, which was a worldly woman who allow him to have his worldly pleasures and a family too, without ANY consequences, AND keep his girlfriends or wild life style! This was against my entire soul and God had other plans. I was headed back to my original self and being a pure woman again, and Mr. Holler was NOT going to help if he could.
I had a responsibility to Mother my children righteously and needed his help to continue to do this, but with both of our opinions MATTERING! We needed to be a team!! I felt this did NOT sit well with him. WHY?? Surprisingly, to me, he became extremely uncooperative and outright spiteful and full of malice toward me. I noticed that he began to thwart my every move, to be a successful mother without him. Everywhere I turned he was there to hurt us rather than help us. He even called everyone I knew and bad mouthed and lied to them about who I was. Many did not believe him and rather told me what he was saying about me. I saw that for him, it was about Winning... and by Hell he was going to Win even if it ruined my goals of Mothering righteously. I may not have appeared to be doing some things right...but I was following my heart the best I could. At that time, I agree, I wasn't the best ME, I could be. I was far from being perfect. There was too much on my plate and I was confused and alone. I was just then starting my way back to Trusting God.
To me, the children were the MOST important goals and to me I could not understand why he did not agree. Why would he punish his own children? Was his hurt too much to handle. I'll never know. However, I did want both of us to win, for the sake of our children. I wanted God to Win.... That was my goal.
Over many years of having to come to terms that Mr. Holler was NOT the loving man I had always believe him to be, I slowly learned this truth and had to make choices based on this fact.
This made mothering more difficult for the years after divorce, but through it all, I often was complimented by those around me of what an exceptional, loving mother they all witnessed me to be. I appreciated these compliments, but I was not after compliments. I meant business and to me that was to raise righteous, successful, caring young men who would, or could, go on in their own lives to pass down successful parenting traits, even if their biological father decided to not be a part of that. I was determined to be a good mother no matter what.
I soon discovered that my then ex-husband's best way to 'get even' with me for him not winning, was to destroy (best as he could) my greatest love and my love of Motherhood goals in my life. What was my greatest desires and happiness that he knew of? Where did my heart live?
With my children....Which was my Mothering!! I KNOW he knew I was a good mother. I've made a few dumb choices, but overall, I have always been one of the very caring and exceptional mothers around. At least this is what my family and others have always told me.
When I finally turned my heart to God and told him that I needed his help, he sent me a partner that was willing to have the same goals as I did, and help me be a successful mother. He sent me a wonderful Step-father (Rudy) for my boys and a Godly husband for me. This in turn quickly showed my ex that his plans to destroy my greatest love of successful Mothering and/or me personally...was not going to work so well, now that I had Godly help.
So all Hell broke loose.
When I was threatened custody of my precious children to be taken away, especially now that my ex had learned of a 'LIE' of false accusation, he could use against us to weld his threats, and do this harm to us, he took advantage of this lie to attack me through my Motherhood. I did not believe that he could be so heartless to do this to the mother of his children. The person he had once loved?
Soon after his choices and after it was too late....He finally admitted that he did not want custody....but it was too late....he had already done the damage. So he took my children, my loves, away (telling everyone that it was MY idea, when really it had been ALL him) I wanted to respectfully get along. Many witnesses KNOW this. It is not JUST my word.
After being told by my ex's lawyer (with a witness) that Mr. Holler would only take my precious children for the most one year, before we would go over the whole process again and decide what was best for the kids, I believed this LIE also.
Deep down I believed that he would want to discuss this at even an earlier date, then after one whole year, and having a Stepfather who believed also that Bernd would be a good father and allow us respectful to co-parent at the time, we then decided we would allow him to have custody of my precious cargo for what was believed to be a short period of time before he would come to his senses and Co-parent. Kids need BOTH parents!! (and all extended family)
I was feeling OK about the two oldest sons being ready to live with their father, regardless the outcome, but I was against the 3 youngest going to live with him, especially KNOWING that he had never wanted these three born in the first place. It broke my heart to hand them over, but knew in my heart that they would be back very soon and I trusted that Bernd would do the right thing by giving us back half custody, to me, to raise with a man that he KNEW was a good person and that he KNEW would love these boys MORE than what he (the bio dad) was (I feel) willing to do.
Regardless, they WERE Mr. Holler's flesh and blood and I was hoping that this would make him do what was right for them...and not do what was wrong ONLY to punish or get even with me, the source of his Hatred, as he told others.
I knew, that he knew, that the man I was about to marry, was from God himself. A good person. A godsend.
I knew that Bernds request that I have no contact with my own flesh and blood, which he had demanded, at the time of bluffing that he wanted Custody... was done only out of his need to CONTROL his home. That within a month, or two, of parenting himself, he would see the error of his ways and that he would fall back onto the KNOWLEDGE he had (from taking Child development courses in College and other righteous classes), that the right thing to do would be to have the children have their loving and REAL biological mother in their lives. That BOTH of us would be beneficial to OUR children!! That soon he would respectfully allow us respectful contact. I believed this!
Especially since Mr. Holler knew that the man I was currently with believed in 'RESPECT', and being fair, more than any other man or culture Mr. Holler had ever witnessed or found on Earth. I was sure of this. They even had had respectful conversations before the kids went to live with their bio dad. Unfortunately, Bernd refused to co-operate.
Sadly, The one year went by and Mr. Holler and my children were no where to be found. They had moved, stayed hidden...and were not letting others know where they were. He was hiding them, and when I began to reach out to outside help within months of my children being taken, (so that I could be in MY children's lives respectfully), he retaliated by threatening those who were willing to help me.
I tried to regain contact many times... only to be severely threatened by Mr. Holler.
This proved to myself and others that he was not interested in protecting his children, as much as he was MORE interested (out of Spite) in getting even, or in hurting ME, the mother of his Children. Why did he want to destroy me personally?
Even at the cost of his children's future, hearts, and SOULS!!! ??
This was extremely deceitful and wrong. Something I could NOT even fathom a ex husband would do, let alone any human being do.
Especially to their own flesh and blood. ????
I would understand if he had NO knowledge of the pain he was to cause or was causing to these innocent children, but he knew what he was doing, and his plan was to use this pain to cement into their hearts and minds that it was their Mothers, ME, fault and who had been the only CAUSE of it ALL. I had gone to Child Development classes WITH him in college. I KNEW he knew better!
ALL of it.
How unfair is this?
To top that off, I had heard of and witnessed that he even then went on to convince (feed them lies) all people around him, and his offspring, that the biological mother had purposely LEFT these 5 young boys, leaving a horrible social stigma, and hatred, in the hearts of his children and others who believed in this lie.
They are MY children. MY flesh and blood. My everything!!
I know the knowledge and cunningness my children's father has this day, and I knew that he knew how to avoid this pain he was inflicting onto our offspring. WHY was he doing it? It took reading books about his dysfunctional personality, to finally understand (kinda) how these kinds of heartless people work. I could hardly believe it myself. I had to have it pounded into my mind!!
I feel and now know, it was because it was allowing him to have the revenge he had always wanted. By hurting them...he was hurting me.
Enough about that subject, I'd like to get back to the loving mothering or Motherhood I have always striven for.
I do not want to play God and decide to know, or want to know, Mr. Hollers heart or lack of heart, and let his consequences of his choices be his own. I just know that I could not do such torture to another human being who truly loves their offspring. This is WHY I question his ability to LOVE from even the begining. And if he ever was able to?
Sadly, many mothers, in this day and age, are more and more living apart from their children and this continues to rise. No matter what the cause or circumstances, whether by choice or by the choices of others, it leaves only one way to have to go...which is to learn to live with what we have been dealt.
Having my children physically taken from me, by a more controlling, domineering , and threatening hostile person, still took me many years to believe that this was who I had married and had had children with. This took me many years and education (reading books) to come to terms with.
These are commonly known as the Five (5) stages of Grief.
The first one being Denial.
It helped me survive the loss, even through days I wished I could die and not have to endure the pain that was MORE dreadful than any physical pain I had ever endured. I denied that I had been married to someone who did not have feelings and would not allow a loving mother to love her children. Someone who did not know right from wrong or rather chose to do ONLY what would help him WIN. I ached for the pain my children surely were going through.
It wasn't until I read the book The Sociopath Next Door, that I learned that these people exist and that I had dated, married, AND had had children with one of these people. I was shocked!! This helped me to slowly be over the denial. I began to understand WHY he had made the choices he had made which were very unusual and uncommon as a loving parent.
The next one is Anger or depression.
Over the years I was in denial, I also experienced anger but more depression and deep sense of loss and crying, than anger. My deep despair of crying fits was just another indication of the deep intensity of my love for my children. It went on for years and years!
One stage is bargaining. I plead with others all around me to help me get into contact with my children, to which my ex would threaten them if they would help me. These stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another.
One such book that I finally picked up, after all the depression, was called "A Mother Apart". It helped me let go of the excessive guilt and find happiness living apart from my children. It taught me to manage my emotions or other difficult feelings. I learned that I could still Mother my children, but from a far. Using PRAYER as one powerful tool. I was so grateful to remember this tool of prayer, and I begin using it again.
I learned that Mothering from Afar can make me one of the most extraordinary mothers in the world.
It taught me how to reach a deeper healing through understanding and Forgiveness!
Although I have a particularly painful path to walk, I have had to learn to be big-hearted ....and broaden and deepen my capacity to love, face my pain, and guilt, instead of blocking it or running from it.
Over the years I have found hope and inspirations in meeting other mothers who are going through similar things and have found them to be the MOST compassionate people I have ever met on this Earth!
Strong women, with many scars, are living proof that in strength and ability to absorb pressure, our scars are stronger than skin and we become that strength to those who are needing to lean on us.
Clarissa Estes says it like this;
"We can grieve and grieve hard, and come out of it tear-stained, rather than shame-stained. We can come out deepened, fully acknowledged, and filled with new life... Although there will be scars and plenty of them, it is good to remember that in tensile strength and ability to absorb pressure, as scar is stronger than skin."
My life may not be going as planned, but because God is in charge, so my life is good.
My children are young adults now. I've missed them EVERY day they have been out of my home. They are beginning lives of their own. Hopefully away from the negative influences of others who are selfish. I am not promised a relationship with my alienated children, which I have sincerely hope for.
What I do pray for, regardless, is that while they are growing up, in their maturing, they will start to think autonomously and question the status quo. That my children become curious about their absent mother, me. That they will have open minds and hearts and listen to both sides, and make their own conclusions.
Sometimes, especially when parental alienation has been so severe, children have a lot of distortion and confusion that can take years to work through. I am not a fool, I don't think a happy reunion is just around the corner.
However, children often hold on to and remember the loving relationship they once had, and often they do come back home and reconnect.
For this reason, I keep my heart and door open to Austin, Jordan, Michael, Jacob, Andrew and Alexander.
Anything can happen and usually it does.
"Eve was given the identity of “the mother of all living”—years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity. … I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. … I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a headcount of our children.
Some women give birth and raise children but never “mother” them. Others, whom I love with all my heart, “mother” all their lives but have never given birth. And all of us are Eve’s daughters, whether we are married or single, maternal or barren. … And we can provide something of that divine pattern, that maternal prototype, for each other and for those who come after us. Whatever our circumstance, we can reach out, touch, hold, lift, and nurture."
--Patricia T. Holland
May all of you, who are mothers in any form, have a heartfelt, and wonderful Mothers Day this Sunday of this 2018 year.
I know I will, simply because ONE of my precious angels, my youngest son, Alexander, will 'Skype' (video chat) with me and fill my heart with happiness and pride. I will be able to tell him I LOVE him, and he will KNOW that it is true.
I'm mostly excited for him to feel my love and to know that he is thought of and missed eternally every moment that he is not physically near!!
My heart is full ♥
It is through Forgiveness, that I am able to endure my heartaches through life, have been able to come through my unique and rarely understood trauma, and continue to LOVE being a mother, and motherhood, no matter its limited roles or responsibilities.
For my birthday this year not only did I have a lovely day, and week overall, I got LOTS of birthday wishes and well wishes from many of my family and friends online and in the mail.
I would like to post a few of these very nice comments I received today.
Let's make this day special.
Happy birthday, sister! Make it a good one.
Happy Birthday to favorite sister with a birthday in January.
Happy happy birthday Lisa! 🎂
Happy, Happy Birthday! Hope it's been a great one for you!
Happy Happy Birthday Lisa. ❤️
Happy birthday Miss Lisa! Hope you had a great day!
Happy Birthday Lisa! I hope you have had a great day.
Happy Birthday Beautiful Cousin!
Happy Birthday wonderful Sister!!!
Happy birthday, Lisa! Hope it's a great day!
Happy Birthday Lisa! Have a fun day!
Hey girlfriend! Hope you have a fabulous day! I miss our birthday lunches! <3
Happy birthday !! Have a great day🎈🎈
Happy Birthday, Lisa 🎂😍🎁
Happy birthday Lisa
Happy Birthday Lisa
xo Lisa xo
Happy Birthday Lisa! Hope you have a great day. 🎈🎈
Happy birthday Lisa! Hope you have a great day!!!!
Happy Birthday Lisa 🎊🎁🎂❤
Happy Birthday Lisa I had a card but can't find an address. I hope you have a special day.
Have a good one as good as the wonderful you!
Happy Birthday, Lisa!
Lisa!! Happy Birthday my friend! I hope you have a wonderfully, fabulous day. Love you!
Hey Lisa! Hoe you have a great Birthday!😘💕
Happy Birthday beautiful! May your day be filled with peace, joy and love. ❤️
Happy Birthday 🎁️🎈🎂️🎉
Happy Birthday Lisa! May all your dreams come true 🎂❤️😘
Joy and happiness to you on your special day, sojourner!
Happy Birthday !!!
Wait I missed your birthday? So sorry. You are a special woman and i want to wish you a wonderful year.
Happy birthday Lisa😘
Happy birthday 🎂!
Happy Birthday!! I am SOO HAPPY YOU WERE BORN!!
Happy belated Birthday, my friend!
Happy birthday sweet lady! I hope it was wonderful!
Oh happy late birthday 🎂
Happy Birthday Lisa!
Michelle Hatch Philpot
Happy Belated Birthday, Lisa! Love you! ❤️🎁🎂
Uncle Gerrit (Bob) Smith
A "day late"" HAPPY BIRTHDAY Lisa. May you have many more in good health and happiness.
Hope you had a colorful, wonderful birthday Lisa!
Happy Birthday Lisa!!
Belated Best Wishes for your Birthday Lisa - hope you enjoyed your day - have a great year to follow
Happy Birthday Lisa! Hope your day was wonderful!
Happy Birthday 🎉🎈🎂
Oh sweetie, this is the first time I have been online for about 2 weeks. I missed wishing you a Happy Birthday. So, Happy Belated Birthday, my sweet friend!! I am glad to hear your day was FABULOUS!! I love you!! ♥
~plus many more posts, birthday cards and greetings....too many to mention! (I feel so blessed ♥)
I love my Facebook family and friends ♥
More of Maui, Hawaii
So, it is almost my 32nd birthday here in this beautiful paradise of Maui, Hawaii. Bernd was so kind to bring us here. We really were having such a wonderful time. I am so grateful for his generosity even if it was to make us forget the real issues that we were not wanting to discuss. (our unstable marriage because we had let go of God (and our covenants to live righteously) and were choosing other worldly pursuits)
Below, you see us on top of Haleakala volcano in one last photo. Maybe Austin took the pic. of us?
Then, you see that we are at the North beach in some pics and some show us going to Hana on the other side of the Island for a day trip. A 4-hour plus drive, that most tourist take to see the East side of this Island. We did it every time!
More pics below of our day trip to Hana, Maui. Bernd by the waterfall, and me by the pretty tropical flowers, our boys next to the rugged coastline and Jordan up a VERY big tree, stinker! "Who let you do this? Sheesh!!"
It appears that on my actual Birth day, we took a Whale watching excursion on a boat ride. Loads of fun. There were always lots of whales in January, so no doubt I know we saw lots! See, I took some pics of my boys looking for whales! 🐋🐳
Close ups below...
On our way to see Hana Maui on the East side of this paradise island. It takes 4 hours or longer to get there since there is LOTS to see and do on this trip. Especially visiting the black sand beaches along the way. Jan. 25th 1999 - Here is Austin, Jordan and Jacob checking out the coastline, and looking so cute!
Mapu ‘ia ke ‘aia o ka pikake
I ka o aheahe a ka makani
Aloha a‘e au i ka pua ‘ume ‘ume mau
‘Ako au i neia pua aloha
I poina ‘ole ‘ia ai a he launa ‘ole
Aloha a‘e au i ka pua ‘ume ‘ume mau
‘Ohu ‘ohu ho‘i pili i ka pu‘uwai
He lei ho‘olei a‘e pulama
Aloha a‘e au i ka pua ‘ume ‘ume mau
Puana ‘ia mai ko‘u mana‘o
He lei pikake ku‘u aloha
Aloha a‘e au i ka pua ‘ume ‘ume mau
Puana ‘ia mai ko‘u mana‘o
He lei pikake ku‘u aloha
Aloha a‘e au i ka pua ‘ume ‘ume mau
My FAVORITE Hawaiian music. Hapa!
So soul touching!! We saw these guys in a restaurant in Lahaina, Maui while out to dinner. Then they became very popular over the next few decades. I LOVE their music!!! ♥♥♥
Another very good singer, Keali'i Reichel. I owned both CD's at one time.
When divorcing myself from my worldly life and from those surrounding me, or those leading me, on this dark and soul losing path, back in 2001, I began to witness that this choice had created some extreme negativity out of my ex husband. Why?
Especially when he learned that I was going to re-marry a Spiritual and Godly (notice I did not say religious) man.
It was at this point that he threatened me with the one thing that he knew I loved more than ANYTHING on this Earth...my children.
What he may not have estimated was the LOVE I had for God (not another Earthly man) and for what direction God was leading me (to happiness) and at what costs I was willing to stay on that Eternal path, which leads to Eternal Happiness. This is approx. when my ex took custody of my children, under the extreme duress I was being put through by others, mainly my ex.
From that moment on I noticed that his focus was then turned to then destroy these innocent victims that I loved. Whether he did it intentionally or not, is between him and God, however, this is what I saw, I felt and what God tells me. He believed that this was the best way to make me suffer.
Upon having custody of our 5 relatively well behaved (except for Alexander who is a fireball for good) children, my ex was furious! He hated God and himself and our children, who were half me. Others testified of this fact and I did not want to believe it. Others to this day may deny these facts, but I believe what I have been shown and told or witnessed over decades now.
At first, I couldn't not understand this mindset until I read a book all about his personality and then my eyes were opened.
Recently, I learned that my ex (who never wanted to parent 5 or 6 children) had sent 3 of these beloved young men to boarding schools while they were teens, during a time that he knew that I was begging to have custody of them since I loved my children and I was well qualified, had a loving home, and was very educated to raise them in a good and Godly home.
However, after years of denying this fact, it was finally pounded into my knowing that my ex was determined to punish me for divorcing ourselves from his worldly ways and so he took it out on our offspring. The boarding school was one way to do this.
Learning of their boarding school years, I again, recently, cried all over again as I did when I learned of my first child, Jordan, being sent there, many years ago.
As I was waking in the early hours of the morning today and when feeling closest to the Spirit world and I am able to receive most of my inspiration and clarity of thought, I pondered this subject and this is what God (or the spiritual world around us) taught me.
~When my oldest became too much for his father to handle, he quickly moved on (or out) at the young age of 16 1/2, he tells me, to college. I saw where he moved to and it made me cry for the humble circumstances he had to put himself into, just to gain his independence.
When my second oldest child, became of age of nearing adulthood, he too became too much for my ex ( my ex being an only child, ill equip to parent, who had been severely abused as an child himself, from the stories I was told by him, and by what I witnessed myself) to handle these young men. Thus, years after the fact I discovered that he had sent this 2nd child to a boarding school thousands of miles away from me and his dad's home and other siblings. This made me extremely sad for my sons needless suffering. It does not mean that he did not gleam some good out of it, as we all can from our circumstances.
There, Jordan had posted that he had been a very difficult child beforehand, and that this boarding school had subdued his arrogant ways even though it was difficult. Later, he privately testified that he had had religion FORCED down his throat at this boarding school, and that because of this, he will NEVER get near religion or truth ever again. Just sad.
It sounded as though even anything remotely appearing 'spiritual' had soured him, and it would be rejected by this suffering young man, as well, because he now combined spirituality with this dogmatic religion or traumatic experience. Which is NOT the same gentle, genuine, Godly Spirit or real love, or Spiritual atmosphere that my children experienced upon being born into my home and their knowing of truth which they felt in my home.
You see, a Zelot Christian religion, or even the famous Catholic Church'es, had had truth thousands of years ago, but have now lost the power of God and have turned into dogmatic, ritualistic, and pagan religions, with no power from God to act in his name. It is cold, loveless, and as I said, dogmatic. Yes, they may teach some truths but with WHAT power or authority do they have? Where can you find REAL power? The kind that Jesus used to do miracles? If you search deep, the answer may surprise you!!
My ex (is no fool) and he knew this, because he knew where to find TRUE power of God, he had experience it himself. Now he was sending his sons to a place that would be so foreign to their souls and so traumatic to them that they would be so bitter, that they would turn from even the paths that could lead them to true sources or real avenues that would eventually lead them to a life full of Gods eternal love, power and deep Eternal happiness.
BUT WHY, you may ask?
As I said, this fulfilled his desire to 'punish' me and our offspring who are half me. I would not believe this, if it wasn't for a loving Heavenly Father or Spiritual world who has gently over many years opened my eyes and understanding of this. My ex's bitter goal is to turn our offspring completely away from anything remotely resembling the truth and love he once felt because he is ashamed of what he lost and has turned from the LIGHT and TRUTH and miracles that he once knew, felt and acknowledged. I saw miracles with my own eyes with him!
Did he ever have a real testimony of these truths?
I PRAY that he did not, because to know light and truth and then DENY it....whoa, I would NOT want to be him!!!!
I have witnessed how he hopes that he may have even turned my tenderly loved children from even just their desire(s) to find eternal truths or eternal happiness! Oh how my heart aches.
(I didn't want to believe he was even capable of doing this to our offspring. I did not believe it at first. How could I have been so blind?)
For years I did not want to believe this, accept this could be happening, or even acknowledge I could have been married to someone who was so heartless and even capable of doing this to innocent children, and his own at that!
I was in denial.
Maybe because it meant that I had to take responsibility to own that I had blinded myself to these facts and also had to be responsible for what my children were going through. It ripped my heart to shreds... for my deeply loved children who during those years could only rely on the Spiritual world around them to protect them, give them real revelation, and then trust God like never before.
It was so difficult as a mother to witness what I was even allowed to know about. The very few levels I was allowed to witness it on over many years that I was alienated out of their personal AND public lives!! (I suppose God was protecting my tender and vulnerable heart) You see, what little I did know about killed me. LITERALLY!!
Trust me, even I acknowledge MY OWN stupidity or follies of allowing myself to blindly turn from the light and knowledge I had gained during my youth and 20's. Then, really turning my back on God shortly before my divorce to the extreme, just before my divorce, just so I could have the needed courage to separate myself from the worldly ties and cords that I had put MYSELF into and I had slowly bound my own soul to a sure Hell, or sure spiritual death. (despite the warnings from a loving Father In Heaven, who I had not learned to trust)
Thankfully God was merciful enough to show me my soon to be demise, just before I slipped over this spiritually deadly edge.
As mentioned in other posts on my blog, I was too much in love with the worldly comforts that were enticing me to keep my mouth shut and do nothing!! So, you see, I DO take responsibility for many things and I am heart broken about it. However, what is truly the most important thing here IS, did I do an about face and turn from my childish ways and repent???
Yes, and I have suffered... but in the long run, it will be worth it !!
God is patient and over many years he has opened my eyes to the truth and has taught me of the bitterness that my ex has endured and then extended to the ones that I love, just to spread his bitterness and pain. We both got ourselves into this path of destruction. We both must take responsibility! However I would have never guessed that my bitter companion would (instead of repenting) would now work against me and God in hoping that his pain would become 'their' pain and continue the curse he brought upon himself and dumped on others.
Over many long, suffering, terrible dark and dreary days and nights to this day, I have now forgiven him and myself for our wicked or childish follies and have moved on to better and brighter days ahead. Hopefully somehow or someway my children were able to glean truth at this far way, unfamiliar boarding school called Mooseheart, even if it was a path that my children were never intended to have to endure.
WHY do I write these things today?
Upon pondering these thoughts this morning, God showed me that the reason why my bitter ex had sent his sons to this Christian ruled boarding school was in fact that through the process of forcing a somewhat Godless and dogmatic religion down my sons throats, so that hopefully they would be very fearful of searching for happiness where REAL truth could be found, especially if a certain religion or vehicle was spreading real TRUTH.
I pray that these were not his intentions and that maybe deep down in his heart, he does NOT know what he is doing or that he may have been trying to help his children find God without giving up his evil pride of not returning to where he KNOWS real eternal truth is found. ??
Sure, good works, kind deeds, and fleeting moments of feeling Gods Spirit, CAN happen most anywhere that people are gathered who are trying to be good or Godly people. Don't get me wrong, this can happen sparingly. However, it is not that real, Eternal love, lasting power, and Eternal or lasting happiness I speak of. That which I have felt and can testify of!
An organization or religion (a vehicle or way where real happiness or truths can be shared with others, hoping to single out the elect or those who know Gods voice and ARE his children) can not force God to be found in it. You can not force God to be in your presence or a MAN MADE religion or organization!
A religion can not stand eternally without the power of God found in it. Some, lots, or all.
On the opposite cord, God and truth however CAN exist without a religion to share it. Thus, I find I am not a 'religious' person as much as I am Spiritual first. Been this way, all my life. I can separate the two.
So, what if there were a religion or vehicle out there on this Earth, which HAD or HAS truth and the Power of God to act in His name (doing Miracles) and this was their way to spread this truth? This was the 'vehicle' God found Himself in MOST, because the organization LIVED Gods commandments and he was bound to give the Promises made to his children?
WHAT if such an organization/religion existed?
Wouldn't Truth seekers be excited to know MORE about it?
Would you have enough self esteem or intelligence to search for it...or open to listen to its revelations?
Or would you be so soured by life's experiences that a bitter parent put you through to bring about their own wicked desires, that your heart would be closed?
The Spirit of God must work through our intelligence and knowledge. AND those who seek the praises of the world and FAME or grand Success outside of their own spiritual growth and relationship with God show to others and will find out eventually that NO success like this will compensate for the failure to have this eternal bond with his Father In Heaven!
As I said, demonized religion is only a 'vehicle' to bring some, lots, or ALL truth and priesthood power to Gods children in this mortal and dreary Earth. Miracles must be wrought through real POWER. (not man made self entitled power!)
God showed me that my ex's bitter intentions were to force down the throats of our innocent children a Godless religion which would in turn confuse them and/or sour their desires to know God and reject even a religion or vehicle or path which may or may not carry God's truth.
They would be too scared based on their painful youth to even be open to these paths. Places where they would eventually FIND and FEEL Gods real power, love, and truth, just as he, Bernd Holler, had gained in this lifetime, and did experience... and is now without, and eventually let go of and lost.
( the ole saying is true.....bitterness / misery loves company)
and "It was pride that changed angels into devils, and humility that makes men as angels."
Just as my husband did to me when I was married to him. He worked and worked and worked to drive the godliness out of me. Sad, but true. I trusted him, I fell for the worldly comforts he lavished me with, and because of that, I nearly lost my soul. You see, I can look back and see over time how and what he used to do this on me.
Unfortunately, NOW I can see HOW he is doing it to my loved children, while they have been raised by him or by others who do not have the same deep eternal love only a mother has for her offspring and her desire for them to find true happiness, and to not see them be punished for no reason. I can PRAY for them.
In my own life, I found with the help of a loving Heavenly Father, that No matter how much of the worldliness, religious vomit, or making me feel (or making my children feel) like the scum of the Earth, my ex Bernd Holler has used against me or them, and I would allow him to do to me, or to them, the one thing I put my foot down on was ...he could not take my soul.
Trust me, he nearly did, until I had the courage to say, ENOUGH in 2001!
(*took me about 2 years of wavering back and forth at that time to free myself, mainly because I cared so deeply for Bernd Holler's welfare and I wanted to make sure I was making the correct decisions that I would never regret)
This was shortly after the time when I finally felt my soul was dying and I had actually felt enough courage to SAVE IT, so I knew what I must do, I HAD TO separate myself from the one person who was leading me astray, including myself, and was free to find God again, and beg Him to guide and direct my life again, as I did when I was young. It was incredibly hard to LET GO!!!
If you live a worldly and free life, you know how HARD this can be and is for those who have REAL strength and determination to be the BEST.
I knew that I had felt His power in the LDS Church growing up and during many years I was an adult and 1st married and went to the LDS Temple often.
So, I quickly went back to the LDS Church hoping to find some sense of peace and a path back to my Father in Heaven. The place I had felt and learned the most truth in my entire life. This 'vehicle' had the opportunities to SERVE, and I soon discovered that it was through this 'Service' that my soul was going to be saved.
I quickly learned that YES, the people in any religion were imperfect, but many of them at this Mormon one were trying to live the truth and live the purest Gospel of Jesus Christ there is to be found on this Earth. It was a start. It was the Rolls Royce in vehicles in finding truth and lasting happiness!
That is a bold statement that I do NOT take lightly.
However, over my 50 year existence the LDS vehicle has been the ONE vehicle which had brought me MORE TRUTH than any other place I have discovered thus far. I can testify to the truth of this.
This is one reason WHY I am so confident about sending my son Alexander out into the world to share this truth with others and then through his Service he will also have the means to save his own soul.
Yes, truth can be found in other places but a concentration of it of it is found here, in its modern prophets revelations, in its members personal revelations and in the shared books or scriptures, which are found here.
Why do I write all this today??
**When packing my son for his Mission to teach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the Argentinians, his Missionary packing list suggested that he pack 4 amazing life changing books that he should not only read himself, but will share with others, if inspired.
I have two of them here at home. I opened one particular book in this stack of 4 and am very curious to start to read this. Why? Because I want to gleam truth wherever it is found. You would think that I would have read this book by now, however, even books you have ought to have read as a child, or seem childish, can bring new insight, if read as an adult as well.
It is my testimony and witness that I have found very real truth, which leads to Spiritual happiness or Eternal happiness through the LDS Church, its articles, and the Book of Mormon. There is even more truth to be found just by being separate from the world and being in tune with God, through Service, being humble, and letting go of pride and thinking that you know it all and then listening to your heart with a fine tuned ear.
I am thankful for a place where this is taught and for a place where others around you LIVE IT, and then it continually reminding you to find your own revelations and growth, instead of hindering you with dogma.
I pray that my sons will let go of the evil they were taught or may have had pounded into them in their teen years, a letting go of dogma which could stifle their search for happiness, which is really found inside of them, which will then let God guide them on their search for real happiness, real truth, Priesthood power, and Eternal love.
Hopefully they will not lose their souls to the world, or to their lack of self esteem or by surrounding themselves by someone or others who have a mission to destroy their souls or Eternal happiness. May they listen to their still small voice warn them of those who may do this to them.
May they have the courage to stand on their own and surround themselves with 'holy' (that means separated from the filth of this world) people. People who love God first and are there to lend them a helping hand only and are not controlling them.
With all of this said, I still confess my weaknesses and my lack of understanding all of Gods ways and pray that my children and all of us can gain our own revelations through the Holy Ghost whispering truths to our own hearts and minds.
I pray these blessings upon them and upon all of us, in the name of Jesus Christ.
(Here is the book, below, which I spoke of, which I will read soon. Which has struck my mind and heart currently ~ especially because when a person finds happiness, he too wants to share that with others.)
My husband and I have already started to read this book below. We use it to gain truths, and then our own revelations about Jesus the Christ and his exemplary life and Holy example which we can glean from it and use in our own lives.
It reads or appeals to the very intelligent and to the humblest of readers. VERY excellent reading!
These other two books below are short and worthy, or a good reading also! (they are the same which Alex carries)
~Mother of 6 Handsome Sons.
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