♪ ♫ Happy Birthday Christian Jacob 🎂🍭🎈🎁💝
There is this cool cat I know....and he goes by Christian Jacob....
Someone, I love, was born on the sunniest day of the year and truly IS 'my Sunshine'! 🌞
♪ ♫ Happy Birthday Christian Jacob 🎂🍭🎈🎁💝
Can hardly wait for him to come home, so I can give him a party again.
Here, below, is another 'Chris' that is totally awesome too!!!
When your world is brightened and blessed by the joyful presence of a child....Your heart becomes more full of love than you could have ever imagined....As the months and years pass, memories are made that are more precious and valuable than anything...they touch your very soul ...
But....When the child is abruptly ripped from your life and you are alienated from them...The pain and sadness is indescribable and crippling at times....The waves of heartache roll through your spirit with such dreadful force....
To any parent reading this... Please don't ever keep your child from a family member that they have a close bond and loving relationship with... It's cruel, unfair, and just wronger than almost anything else anyone could do to another person.
Oh how we wish you were here with us, to celebrate your special day together.
*22 years ago, you came into this world and into my loving and aching for you arms.
I have LOVED you EVERYDAY, ever since.
You will be VERY missed today, but thought of and loved from a far, as with every June 21st.
~Have a fantastic day with family and friends. Wish we could be there. 😢
Love and hugs, Mom (Rudy and Alex too) 🤗
On the back side of page 21 in this album, you see that we spent a lot of time up in the mountains above Cedar City in Steven's Canyon, building our 5,000 square foot cabin home. We built it ourselves with help from a few subcontractors. I designed and drew the plans for this wonderful 3 story home. I was so proud of this amazing floor plan. It really was a gorgeous layout and design.
Here you see the basement and foundation. It had a double garage with a small ATV/snowmobile garage next to it, and then a huge storage room off to the right. ...
While we were up in the mountains building, our kids were hanging around and helping. You see cute little Jacob sitting on a pile of lumber, being so adorable. You also see baby Andrew, 3 months old, hanging out in his car seat.
(The first pic is of Andrew laying on my green bed at home.)
Close ups below...
This sweet little boy is growing up. He would climb the big hill that our Cabin home sat on...and he would get so tired. He LOVED to get his picture taken and he LOVED to help us build. I pictured him becoming a builder of sorts when he was grown.... I love him so! My Jacob 2 years old sitting on a big pile of lumber at our Cabin site. Southern Utah 1997
Finally, the sub floor was installed! Yay. This floor would have the large kitchen (with fireplace oven), large family room, entertainment theater room, guest bedroom with bath, stairway to basement and upstairs, and library for homeschooling our children. It was beautiful. (The fall colors were still around and the mountain air getting crisp at night)
AUG. 9TH, 7:29AM
Jacob....its me, mom.
I know we are not connected, but I have no where else to leave you these private messages...and HOPE that someday you will get them. So here is one that you might be interested in.......
Last night (this early morning actually) Aug. 9th 2016, I had an incredible dream with my Jacob, myself and a tiny bit of Alex somewhere in the mix. My Jacob was 9 years old most of this dream, but I did see him a bit as a young man too.....
....in this dream, I somehow found Jacob and we talked and talked and communicated about his life and the about the time we were separated at his young age of 9. He showed me (in this dream) all his pain, anguish, hopes, fears and abandonment issues that he went through when I was no longer in his life....I FELT THEM....then he shared the fact that he had thought of running away from his fathers home during those years...to come find me...when he was 9. He showed me his pain he felt at being (what he thought and felt) abandoned by me and how sad he was that I could do this to him. I felt and understood every bit of this.... I cried and cried deeply in this dream...
...then I saw bits and pieces of him as a young man....places he went...people he knew...girls that were in love with him...people who had tried to deceive him...some of his dark days.
...I explained many things to Jacob in this dream...of how I NEVER meant to abandon him...and how I understood his pain and felt for him...I tried to help him understand this...but he couldn't hear me...
...then in the end, I found myself surrounding him....my arms around the front of him....like I was a blanket that had him cradled, as my 9 year old, in my lap....my whole body around him from his back....and I CRIED and PRAYED from the depths of my Heart and Soul...and I told God as I held you tight.... " "Please!, I NEVER want to leave this precious child...my Jacob...ever again...please don't let this happen ever again...PLEASE!"...
...then I woke up from the dream. (it was about 6:30am) And I was sad...and I understood clearly the PAIN you, Jacob, lived through...how painful my children's lives were....how confusing they were....how lonely they were....how abandoned they felt....how they did not understand WHY this had happened to them...to you Jacob...and I cried.
...so Jacob...I am here today....writing you this...minutes after I had this incredibly insightful dream....begging you for forgiveness...and letting you know that 'although it appeared that I had let you go, and abandoned you...I NEVER did...my heart and soul have prayed and ached for you every single day of YOUR LIFE away from me'. I have tried to reach out to you...but am unable to...mostly because I can NOT find you. IF EVER, you would like to reconnect....I would hope that someday you will finally see how much I did and DO LOVE you...beyond your wildest imagination...and how YOU are my World , my Heart, and my Soul and that I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE...always have...always will.....
....I LOVE and MISS you like there is NO time and space....
My door, heart, and home are ALWAYS open to you and your loved ones....WHEREVER ~ WHENEVER!! No Strings Attached!!!
~~ Please do not be afraid or angry with me....and if you are...how can I NOT understand...
♥ ♥ ♥
(This love and thoughts apply to all my children - Austin, Jordan, Andrew AND Alex)
I literally can 'feel' your pain....it haunts me. I dream of you and cry from the depths of my heart and soul for you, and for how you do NOT understand my ways. How they have caused you stumbling blocks.
I am so sorry for your misunderstandings of me.
God has shown me how you are paralyzed. Let go...find faith.
Do you understand...you have broken my heart?
When will you see...that I never stopped caring about and for you?
I NEVER stopped loving you and wanting to be near you?
Even when it had, or has, appeared I have?
....please, forgive ....please??
(I know you have heard this before...however, A truth I know and have learned later in life...
if you pray...and pray sincerely, from your heart...
your true love...Your Godly companion...your true soul mate ....will miraculously draw nearer, and/or may even be brought to you in this life.
This, sometimes difficult to accept or understand, and confusing miracle, yet amazing blessing, I personally have witnessed and experience in my own life ♥ and testify is REAL!
( *p.s. I truly am sorry, with heartfelt tender compassion, for those of you, who have been in my life, where my actions and my choices may have left you confused, hurting and/or open to abuse, and may have left you bitter and/or angry in this life... in any way...and especially to my dearly beloved flesh and blood (children).)
I am praying for you, for me, for all of us, to choose real
'Forgiveness'...and Understanding ♥
We see lots of pictures of our new baby Jacob over the next few pages of this Album. This first one below went like this....I took his jammies off in the morning and took off his wet diaper to change it. He looked so cute in the buff that I decided to get my camera and take a picture. The second...and I mean the very second I took the pic, Jacob was feeling free enough to start peeing...awwwww...it was the perfect shot! When I realized it, I screamed a tiny bit and then started laughing and it startled Jacob and he stopped peeing in fear of my loud laugh. You can actually see the glassy stream here in the photo landing on his tiny foot.
It was so funny!! So, as you can see he was THE center of attention for the next few years. What an ADORABLE baby!!
I was in LOVE!! (well, we all were)
Above and below you see our Manti Utah 50 foot garden. It was amazing and so much FUN. We loved all the fresh veges we got and gave away to friends and neighbors!
The remodel of our 100 year old home was moving along and the whole town LOVED it! People would drive by slowly to get a glimpse of its progression.
My favorite was the wrap around porch in front...it made a dramatic difference in its appearance!
For the Weddings of my children and grandchildren. May you 'always' find love in this life and after.....
There is Love.
Jacob, Happy 20th Birthday!!!
Wow, I can hardly believe you are already 20!
I pray that you are happy and well. I love you beyond your wildest dreams.
You are my angel that came into the world when my heart was broken.
You gave my life meaning during a very troubled time. Thank you!
May this day be special all day long and through out this year.
KNOW that I love and miss you and want nothing more than your GREAT success in everything you do in life.
I may not be a very strong person but hopefully someday you will forgive me for not knowing HOW to be there for you when we were kept apart.
Come home soon, Please, so that you can find out that I am not so terrible or such a bad person.
I only want to make you happy!
Just because others do not want us to see each other, in order to punish us through their bitterness, does not mean that these ways are the right thing...I know that our separation has brought pain in you and your brothers life, but believe me when I say that I have tried my very best to be fair in all of our lives...even when I was not allowed to be. ♥
Let's heal all of our hearts...and be kind and compassionate to each other!
Please write or call when you can.
(If you can not do this at this time in your life...no worries, just know that I care deeply for you, your happiness, and for your loved ones)
"Happy Birthday dear college boy of mine. I have never forgotten you on all your special days of the entire year, and think of you often, "Christian Jacob Holler" !!! ♥
My son, JACOB's, bowl he made when he was little !! ♥ ♥
(look what I found in my saved boxes of memorabilia, today)
Look what I found today, in my storage hidden away!
A very CUTE bowl that my child Jacob made, as a small boy. ♥
My Brother Greg, and his girlfriend Cami. Here they are roaming around the Utah Countryside. They have a lot of fun together. Cami is an awesome photographer. She has many pictures on IStock. These are some Alex and Greg took.
I am so happy for them! ♥
Do you hate your mother or father, or try not to think about her or him? There may be a reason that doesn't have a lot to do with him or her.
~Mother of 6 Handsome Sons.
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