to all my sons wherever this special day finds you.
As always...wishing you were home with me....
you are forever in my heart ♥
The back side of page 20, and front side of page 21, shows us a special day in the Holler home.
Austin had reached the age of 8 (a special age of 'accountability' in life when most children understand their actions and consequences and can begin to make choices that they, themselves, will be responsible for) and we wanted Austin to be baptized, just like his father Bernd and I, myself, had done in our own lives. (me when I was 8 and Bernd when he was 21)
We had taught Austin the gospel of Jesus Christ and raised him to be a righteous young boy. He was very excited to be baptized and also covenant in this life to be like our Savior Jesus Christ. We needed two (2) Elders to perform this Ordinance, and so we asked Ken Olsen, our good friend, to help Bernd do this for Austin.
Bernd and I had been struggling spiritually (now that we did not go to the LDS Church any more) and so we felt we needed to re-commit our OWN promises and Covenants with God, by being Re-baptized. Joseph Smith had taught about humbling oneself, and being baptized under water, like Jesus had taught, and that in certain times, when life got hard or needed to be renewed ...that repentance and then 're-baptism' was a way to renew our commitment to be like our Savior Jesus Christ, and repent of our mistaken ways and get oneself back on the correct path.
It was only the past Century that the LDS Church did away with re-baptizing (more than once in a life time)... because they teach that the renewing of Covenants should be done when taking the Sacrament every Sunday. Well, we hadn't been going to Church, so we believed it was necessary to continue to make progress in life by being re-baptized when necessary, and we had the opportunity at this time with a friend visiting, and we took advantage of doing it again during this new time in our lives.
Andrew was newly born, we were in a new city, Bernd and I were growing more apart Spiritually and losing forcus on how to keep our family SAFE from the pitfalls of the world... and so this was our way of trying the best we could to make again the promises to 'stay moral, humble, thankful, spiritual, righteous'... in our 'lost and stumbling ways'.
Bernd Holler was a good financial provider, and decent father....however, he was lacking in Spiritual faith and keeping our home pure and untouched from outside philosophies ...due to his interest in 'worldly pleasures' which were increasing each passing year, since we had given up our good and righteous religious anchor or practices of the LDS faith, which is a steadfast reminder of how one should live AND hold fast to Heavenly or Spiritual ways.
(I don't know how else to explain it....other than you have to have lived it to understand)
We, the Holler household, was or were slowly changing or slipping away from the Gospel of Christ and I was doing what I felt in my heart I could do to hang on to the righteousness I had been taught in my youth. Bernd was going a different direction.
Bernd's friend, Ken Olsen, had been running our business in California, whenever Bernd was not down there checking up on things and collecting checks. Ken and his wife (Rhonda) were our good friends and they had visited us in Utah from time to time. Ken was coming to visit us in St. George, because we had asked him to help us in baptizing Austin, and giving our new baby, Andrew, a 'Fathers blessing' and then help us re-baptize ourselves. I was the one behind most of any spiritual growth or stability in our home at that time, but Bernd was willing to make me happy and help us do this in order to keep the family together.
side note: Each and every baby I had, Bernd would give our baby a 'Fathers blessing' (prayer) at around 2 months old .... (as the LDS gospel had taught us it was important in helping the child grow with Godly protection etc.)
During this, or each special prayer, the baby would be 'named' for what he would be called during his life, and then certain promises would be pronounced upon the baby's head of health, prosperity, blessings etc. Most Latter Day Saints do this in Church at about 2 months old. Bernd always preferred to do it at home with 2-3 Elders of the Church helping him do it. (I remember that each baby Bernd did this for, Austin, Jordan and Jacob, they CRIED during his lying hands on their head and giving them a blessing) I found this to be most disturbing.
This time around (during the times these photos below were taken) when it came to having Andrew blessed with a baby blessing at about 3 months old....I asked Bernd if it would be OK that his friend Ken Olsen (who was visiting for Austin and our re-baptism) could be the one to bless Andrew, which Bernd could participate also. I had felt that Ken should be the one to bless our baby....and Bernd agreed this would be fine.
(There are no pictures of this blessing but I will tell you a bit about it now)
The blessing was given to Andrew in our new St. George home during the time these pics below were taken. Ken Olsen laid his hands on Andrews head (along with Bernds hands too) and Ken gave the blessing or prayer outloud, and for the first time, our baby boy did NOT cry during the Fathers blessing. (even though Ken was not the actual father)
Sometimes others can give the Fathers blessing instead of the actual Father, I had been told, so it was OK with both Bernd and I that Ken do this special prayer or announcement of blessings for our son Andrew.
I LOVED how Andrew was so quiet and good during this special prayer, pronouncement of his Earthly name of Andrew Sterling Holler and the special blessings pronounced upon Andrews head!
During this special prayer, Ken talked about Andrew as though he knew him and how Andrew would be during his entire lifetime... and how Andrew was going to be during his life time. He talked about how Andrew would care for his parents when he was older. He talked about how Andrew would prosper financially in his adulthood. I don't remember much more than this, other than the blessing was the BEST one any of my children had received thus far and that it was a beautiful prayer! I was so Spiritually touched!! All of us were.
I am not sure if it was because of KEN having given the blessing, or if it was just good baby Andrew...but it was one of the nicest blessing any of my children had received. It was about 10 minutes. We were all deeply touched in our hearts that day and very thankful and happy... especially for dearest Andrew!
Below, you see baby Andrew sitting next to Bernd on our big green couch. Next to that little Jacob had (being potty trained without pants on) climbed into baby Andrews bouncy chair and was hanging out. It was so funny, I grabbed my camera and took a picture. .....
As you see above, these special photos are of the day of Austins baptism and our re-baptisms. You can see that all of us (Ken, Bernd, Lisa and Austin) had dressed ALL in white and stepped into our beautiful pool outside in our back yard there in St. George, Utah. Ken first re-baptized Bernd. Then Bernd baptized Austin Spencer Holler in the name of Jesus Christ and by the Priesthood of Jesus Christ, the Father, and the Holy Ghost. Austin was so amazing here and I was SO proud of my adorable, handsome, responsible, obedient first born son! (He actually was MORE mature than his own father Bernd, in many ways....but we didn't speak of that too often) Bernd knew it. We were truly blessed with such an amazing old soul and first son, such as Austin. We were VERY proud of him that day!
Then, as you see below, on the front page of 21, Austin sat outside of the pool after his ordinance, on this warm day and watched his mother, Lisa, renew her baptismal covenants, to live a life like Jesus Christ, with under water re-baptism.
I may have asked Ken Olsen to do the re-baptizing of me....I don't remember. I don't know why....I just felt this was appropriate since Bernd had done one for me, when we lived in Manti.
Immediately upon arising out of the water, I heard the words strongly and clearly in my head "Leave Bernd Holler".
It surprised me, as I had actually heard and felt it clearly in my mind and was so strongly impressed upon my soul that moment. I marveled and pondered at its meaning...since this was the LAST thing I (as a young mother and good wife) wanted to do with 4 small boys and no way to support them. This terrified me.
I did NOT tell anyone, that day, of this strong prompting...for obvious reasons! Instead, I pondered on them over the next several days and then finally confided in a girlfriend of mine about it a few days or weeks later.
I was scared of its meaning... and did not understand it in its fullest until much later, say a decade later. (After much damage to my soul and our marriage had taken place)
You see Bernd and I were on a path to Spiritual destruction.... without even knowing it...and my breaking its cycle, (sadly, my struggle to break our relationship and end our wicked ways) would be the only thing that would eventually end our path, or STOP it. (reverse it)
Looking back 20 years ago is 20/20 vision, my friend.
Back side of this page will be on the next post.
Close ups below...
I literally can 'feel' your pain....it haunts me. I dream of you and cry from the depths of my heart and soul for you, and for how you do NOT understand my ways. How they have caused you stumbling blocks.
I am so sorry for your misunderstandings of me.
God has shown me how you are paralyzed. Let go...find faith.
Do you understand...you have broken my heart?
When will you see...that I never stopped caring about and for you?
I NEVER stopped loving you and wanting to be near you?
Even when it had, or has, appeared I have?
....please, forgive ....please??
(I know you have heard this before...however, A truth I know and have learned later in life...
if you pray...and pray sincerely, from your heart...
your true love...Your Godly companion...your true soul mate ....will miraculously draw nearer, and/or may even be brought to you in this life.
This, sometimes difficult to accept or understand, and confusing miracle, yet amazing blessing, I personally have witnessed and experience in my own life ♥ and testify is REAL!
( *p.s. I truly am sorry, with heartfelt tender compassion, for those of you, who have been in my life, where my actions and my choices may have left you confused, hurting and/or open to abuse, and may have left you bitter and/or angry in this life... in any way...and especially to my dearly beloved flesh and blood (children).)
I am praying for you, for me, for all of us, to choose real
'Forgiveness'...and Understanding ♥
Happy 4th of July Birthday Austin, my Son!!
~ There is a special place in my heart reserved just for you,
It's a place I store precious memories of your childhood; the little things you said or did that endeared you to me, the sound of your laughter, the sight of your tears.
All of this, I have saved.
Those years were so precious, oh, but how quickly they passed.
Now, before me stands my son ~ no longer a boy, but a man!
As I look at you, I want you to know that I am filled with Pride for the fine, decent person you have become.
Although all of this has happened much too fast...I am grateful beyond words for the happiness for which you have brought me in this short Life.
Son, I love you deeply, and I THANK YOU for adding this Joy, Happiness, and Blessedness to this small Season of my Eternity
I guess what I am 'trying' to say....well, words barely do justice....
We are getting close to the end of this Photo Album. (This album is just one of dozens I created of myself and my children's lives.)
This Album of 1993-1994 was one that I found first out in our garage this past year, and was the most accessible ....so this is why I started with posting pictures from this fun one.
I suppose I should go back and start posting from the first Album I own of me, as a young teenager, when I got my first camera, so that I can post these fun memories in a more "chronological order".
I guess maybe I felt OK starting with this Album....since maybe Jordan and Austin needed to see these ones from this time era, for some reason? (Maybe because they had forgotten about their loving youth and caring upbringing by their biological mother who does exist, and who did and does love them....no matter how much they try to forget, ....and who loves them so very deeply) OK, enough said...
Below, you see me, the mom, sitting in our newly remodeled kitchen bathroom with my first two sons Austin and Jordan. Austin is smiling (as usual, he was always so happy AND helpful) Jordan is trying out his new potty training chair, that I had bought him. It was that time.... Time to train him to use the big toilet. (He would soon be two years old) He has such a cute grin on his face here. (I will include a larger version of this picture below).
Below this, I caught Jordan sitting in Sassy's (the kitty) litter box!! He looked so adorable, I had to snap a photo. lol (look at Jordan's long golden locks) ...
Above, you see Austin sitting in our garage in Manti, UT. for a haircut. I was pretty good at giving easy childhood haircuts, so I would do this for Austin and Jordan here at home. (You also see another Pinckney b-day party picture thrown in this page) Then you also see a nice pic of Austin and Jordan riding in Austin's Little Tykes plastic car on our driveway. I see that we had installed our new white wooden fence around our property by that time.
Below, on the back side of this page, you see Jordan getting his VERY FIRST hair cut!! You see that it is a warm, beautiful Summer morning and Jordan's hair was getting a little too long and it was his turn for a haircut out in the front of our garage, right after his older brother Austin was done getting his. Jordan's hair is looking a little messy in this picture below, right before I got started...but don't you just love his cute little grin he was giving mommy and the camera for his 'before' pic? .....
After Jordan had sat so quietly for his hair cut for me, I again took an 'after' photo of his new hair style. Doesn't he look SO handsome now? Bye Bye baby golden locks...Hello handsome little clean-cut toddler!
Look at those adorable chubby little feet hanging off of my tall kitchen stool ♥ (I had painted and upholstered these bar stools)
Above here, we are having Birthday Cake for Austin, at Grammys house in Provo, Utah (after the water park).
Below on the back of this page I must of snuck another cute photo of Austin and Jordan at the water park. Look at that dirty little foot of Jordans. He had worn water socks all day so his little feet wouldn't burn on the hot cement that day. (Looks like I hadn't cut his beautiful hair just yet, since it was sooooo pretty and he was still only 20 months old.)
Above, you see us, Mom, Austin, and Jordan swimming in our jacuzzi tub. Sometimes we would lower the temperature in this and use it like a warm pool during the hot summer while living in the quaint town of Manti, Utah (out in the County)
This old barn had been turned into our spa room and upstairs school room for Austin's kindergarten lessons and games. (We had remodeled it) We really had some fun days in this old barn. I would always laugh when Jordan's life jacket would turn him on his back. He would just lie there until I would flip him back upright. Both Austin and Jordan were easy and amazingly good young children. FUN memories!
Last pics of the Holler 60th party...
Below, you see Austin and Jordan interacting at Oma and Opa's party. Jordan loves his big brother Austin. Especially since Austin is SO good to him. He is always so kind, gentle, fun, and good to Jordan. Austin was (and is) this way with all his brothers while growing up, however it is fun to see this happening here in these pictures.
As you see, I am holding my precious little Jordan on my lap. He was at such a cute age, at 7 months old ....
Above here, you now see me taking FUN pics of baby Jordan trying on mommy's sunglasses! We were in the middle of packing up for our move from Mission Viejo CA., to Manti, Utah (the Countryside).
While I packed up the house, baby Jordan would sit nicely in his highchair. I really had THE BEST children. So good, quiet and happy. Isn't Jordan look so cool in his sunglasses? I had to take a photo. ☺
Below, this is the back side of this album page. You see an adorable pic of Austin and Jordan asleep in mommy and daddy's bed in our room.
You can see the mess of moving, and how the bed is now directly on the floor, since we had already packed up our Victorian style bed frame. This is the very room with restroom attached, where Jordan's Spirit contacted me and let me know that he was ready to come into the world, a physical body. So it is neat to see that he made it after all.
My sons both looked so peaceful, comfy, and adorable, on my bed, so I took a sweet pic of them.
My heart would melt into jelly, every time I would watch them sleep peacefully...I was SOOO in love with my precious ones!
On the front Page of # 18 in my photo Album here at my home, we see our little family in Utah again. We usually went to Grammy's house in Provo about 2-3 times a year to visit family. By this time Grampa Hatch had already remarried and was living about 20 minutes away in Pleasant Grove, Utah.
Here you see all of us, the Hatch family, having our yearly Christmas Evening and Morning celebration.
You see Austin opening his drawing toy, and other gifts. I have to laugh at my big 'red' glasses I used to wear at this time. I had contacts, yet it was easier sometimes to grab these lovely things. lol
You also see all my brothers and sisters there at Grammys living room too..... Uncle David, Uncle Brad and Uncle Jon being goofy as usual.
If you notice behind me, Grammy had hung all of her childrens handmade Christmas stockings up on her beautiful fireplace mantel.
When my mom was having her 8 children over an 11 year period, her good friend had Handmade all of these very adorable and detailed Christmas Stockings as a baby gift after each child was born! They were VERY well made and so beautiful !! My mom had 8 of them hung every year! I LOVED them.
(She would hang them in a row, by birth order, so mine, you can see, is the light blue one, with baby Jesus manger scene.)....
Above on this front page you also see Aunt Melissa with her husband Uncle Rich. I believe in this photo Melissa, my older sister is preggers with her first baby. Boy did she stare at Austin all night long. Austin shows off his new toy gun to Grammy and everyone. Boy was he spoiled this Christmas! He ran around having a blast being the center of attention! You see my dear Oma behind Austin in this photo.
Below, on the back side of this page, you see that I, Lisa, got a new pair of ski boots and Skis! I was very surprised and excited! Of course my idea of skiing after having kids, was much different. I had skied most of my life, however, I was a lot more cautious and not such a 'hot rod' on the slopes now! I do remember going skiing this trip and crying most of the way down the slopes since I was so nervous about an injury and not being there for my babies....Regardless, I was super happy.
In the other pictures below, you see baby Jordan smiling away and having fun watching everyone! He had on the most adorable Christmas outfit. I could just eat him...he was so adorable!
As you see below, I also got a new pair of sunglasses! Neat.....
Above, you see the last photo being of toddler Austin (3 1/2), my Oma behind Austin, with Aunt Michelle, Aunt Susanne, and Erika with her baby boy Brandon on the couch. Austin seems to get a kick out of being the center of attention and showing off his new toy gun and pretending to shoot everyone. He thought he was pretty funny, getting everyone to crack up with his antics.
Hey, I know!....Maybe Jordan should get a 'Restraining Order' out on his brother Austin !
I bet Jordan can tell his buddy, the Judge, that Austin stuck a toy gun in his face (at 2 1/2 months old) and that now he is deathly afraid of his brother and needs to be protected from the nut.
Watch out Austin, don't make Jordan MAD!
Just teasing..... ;)
For the Weddings of my children and grandchildren. May you 'always' find love in this life and after.....
There is Love.
In this front page of 14, we see that I must have found all kinds of photos all around the house from this year that I just now included. (lol)
Anyway, this first photo is of Bernds friends Roddy and Mike playing with their guns. Bernd thought it was funny, and so did Roddy's wife Wendy, who is in the background. I was upset that they had these and asked them to take them back home since I was 7 months preggers and didn't want anything like this in my home. Bernd was fascinated with guns, but I did not want them in my home. He wanted them in case the Government ever collapsed and we had a World War.
There are also two pictures of our back yard in Mission Viejo while we were building a brick wall between our yard and our neighbors yard.
There had been a BIG rain storm and the back yard was pretty well flooded....
..... Then, still on the front page, we are still back in October 1992, Jordans birth month. One pic is of Austin (and Gunther) holding his new brother Jordan at Saddleback Hospital.
The other is of Jordan sunning himself at the hospital in the crib.
Then, below here, on the back side of page 14, we jump to a scene of Bernd and Austin, who went to the Laguna Hills Pumpkin Patch, there near the hospital, having some Halloween fun soon after Jordan was born. I was still home recovering. Aparently Grammy Hatch was with them and she took the pictures. Lots of photos of Austin having fun, and being cute.
Happy Happy Birthday Austin Spencer Holler! Happy 4th of July son and Everyone!!
We hope you got all the cards and the money we sent you!
We hope you had a fantastic 4th of July!
We miss you very much dear son, and brother.
Have a wonderful July. Tell your brothers how much we love and miss them....
Please call or write, when you can!
Love, Mom and Alex (Rudy too)
One the front page of 10 we see the last photo of Austin's Birthday party at home in Mission Viejo, CA.
You also see Austin standing in our home garden in our back yard. Lots of fun....
Above you see Austin showing off our Onions from our garden. He had a cute plastic wheel barrow that he put them in.
Below on the back side of page 10 you 1st see Austin watering our garden the natures way...he he he, he was so cute I couldn't resist.
Then below this you see that again we went to Utah to visit family and to do the Utah Freedom and Pioneer days on July 24th 1992.
Here Austin is sitting on Grammys kitchen table with Brad and Erika watching on.
One picture is of Bernd and Alex up in SLC for the festivities at Liberty Park on this fun Holiday, waiting for the fireworks to shoot off in the night sky.....
As you see in the other photos above, earlier that day at Liberty Park, there were games, and rides and food and fun in the afternoon. Austin is riding a carousel and riding a train. He was such a good boy and so obedient that it was a pleasure watching him grow ♥ We had fun that trip! (Being the only grandchild and nephew at that time, he was spoiled and loved on very much by the whole Hatch Family ☺ )
After earning a business degree and working in the hospitality industry for 2 years, Austin Holler decided, “I wanted to have a greater purpose in this world, giving to it in a way that I know could make a difference,” returning to school to pursue a degree in Computer Science at University of Colorado Boulder. In addition to attending CU Boulder, Austin works full-time and is a budding entrepreneur, with his sights set on receiving his Masters in Computer Science. Way to Go, Austin!
My Pre-med student runs in an awesome Illinois 5K Marathon!
~Mother of 6 Handsome Sons.
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