When divorcing myself from my worldly life and from those surrounding me, or those leading me, on this dark and soul losing path, back in 2001, I began to witness that this choice had created some extreme negativity out of my ex husband. Why?
Especially when he learned that I was going to re-marry a Spiritual and Godly (notice I did not say religious) man.
It was at this point that he threatened me with the one thing that he knew I loved more than ANYTHING on this Earth...my children.
What he may not have estimated was the LOVE I had for God (not another Earthly man) and for what direction God was leading me (to happiness) and at what costs I was willing to stay on that Eternal path, which leads to Eternal Happiness. This is approx. when my ex took custody of my children, under the extreme duress I was being put through by others, mainly my ex.
From that moment on I noticed that his focus was then turned to then destroy these innocent victims that I loved. Whether he did it intentionally or not, is between him and God, however, this is what I saw, I felt and what God tells me. He believed that this was the best way to make me suffer.
Upon having custody of our 5 relatively well behaved (except for Alexander who is a fireball for good) children, my ex was furious! He hated God and himself and our children, who were half me. Others testified of this fact and I did not want to believe it. Others to this day may deny these facts, but I believe what I have been shown and told or witnessed over decades now.
At first, I couldn't not understand this mindset until I read a book all about his personality and then my eyes were opened.
Recently, I learned that my ex (who never wanted to parent 5 or 6 children) had sent 3 of these beloved young men to boarding schools while they were teens, during a time that he knew that I was begging to have custody of them since I loved my children and I was well qualified, had a loving home, and was very educated to raise them in a good and Godly home.
However, after years of denying this fact, it was finally pounded into my knowing that my ex was determined to punish me for divorcing ourselves from his worldly ways and so he took it out on our offspring. The boarding school was one way to do this.
Learning of their boarding school years, I again, recently, cried all over again as I did when I learned of my first child, Jordan, being sent there, many years ago.
As I was waking in the early hours of the morning today and when feeling closest to the Spirit world and I am able to receive most of my inspiration and clarity of thought, I pondered this subject and this is what God (or the spiritual world around us) taught me.
~When my oldest became too much for his father to handle, he quickly moved on (or out) at the young age of 16 1/2, he tells me, to college. I saw where he moved to and it made me cry for the humble circumstances he had to put himself into, just to gain his independence.
When my second oldest child, became of age of nearing adulthood, he too became too much for my ex ( my ex being an only child, ill equip to parent, who had been severely abused as an child himself, from the stories I was told by him, and by what I witnessed myself) to handle these young men. Thus, years after the fact I discovered that he had sent this 2nd child to a boarding school thousands of miles away from me and his dad's home and other siblings. This made me extremely sad for my sons needless suffering. It does not mean that he did not gleam some good out of it, as we all can from our circumstances.
There, Jordan had posted that he had been a very difficult child beforehand, and that this boarding school had subdued his arrogant ways even though it was difficult. Later, he privately testified that he had had religion FORCED down his throat at this boarding school, and that because of this, he will NEVER get near religion or truth ever again. Just sad.
It sounded as though even anything remotely appearing 'spiritual' had soured him, and it would be rejected by this suffering young man, as well, because he now combined spirituality with this dogmatic religion or traumatic experience. Which is NOT the same gentle, genuine, Godly Spirit or real love, or Spiritual atmosphere that my children experienced upon being born into my home and their knowing of truth which they felt in my home.
You see, a Zelot Christian religion, or even the famous Catholic Church'es, had had truth thousands of years ago, but have now lost the power of God and have turned into dogmatic, ritualistic, and pagan religions, with no power from God to act in his name. It is cold, loveless, and as I said, dogmatic. Yes, they may teach some truths but with WHAT power or authority do they have? Where can you find REAL power? The kind that Jesus used to do miracles? If you search deep, the answer may surprise you!!
My ex (is no fool) and he knew this, because he knew where to find TRUE power of God, he had experience it himself. Now he was sending his sons to a place that would be so foreign to their souls and so traumatic to them that they would be so bitter, that they would turn from even the paths that could lead them to true sources or real avenues that would eventually lead them to a life full of Gods eternal love, power and deep Eternal happiness.
BUT WHY, you may ask?
As I said, this fulfilled his desire to 'punish' me and our offspring who are half me. I would not believe this, if it wasn't for a loving Heavenly Father or Spiritual world who has gently over many years opened my eyes and understanding of this. My ex's bitter goal is to turn our offspring completely away from anything remotely resembling the truth and love he once felt because he is ashamed of what he lost and has turned from the LIGHT and TRUTH and miracles that he once knew, felt and acknowledged. I saw miracles with my own eyes with him!
Did he ever have a real testimony of these truths?
I PRAY that he did not, because to know light and truth and then DENY it....whoa, I would NOT want to be him!!!!
I have witnessed how he hopes that he may have even turned my tenderly loved children from even just their desire(s) to find eternal truths or eternal happiness! Oh how my heart aches.
(I didn't want to believe he was even capable of doing this to our offspring. I did not believe it at first. How could I have been so blind?)
For years I did not want to believe this, accept this could be happening, or even acknowledge I could have been married to someone who was so heartless and even capable of doing this to innocent children, and his own at that!
I was in denial.
Maybe because it meant that I had to take responsibility to own that I had blinded myself to these facts and also had to be responsible for what my children were going through. It ripped my heart to shreds... for my deeply loved children who during those years could only rely on the Spiritual world around them to protect them, give them real revelation, and then trust God like never before.
It was so difficult as a mother to witness what I was even allowed to know about. The very few levels I was allowed to witness it on over many years that I was alienated out of their personal AND public lives!! (I suppose God was protecting my tender and vulnerable heart) You see, what little I did know about killed me. LITERALLY!!
Trust me, even I acknowledge MY OWN stupidity or follies of allowing myself to blindly turn from the light and knowledge I had gained during my youth and 20's. Then, really turning my back on God shortly before my divorce to the extreme, just before my divorce, just so I could have the needed courage to separate myself from the worldly ties and cords that I had put MYSELF into and I had slowly bound my own soul to a sure Hell, or sure spiritual death. (despite the warnings from a loving Father In Heaven, who I had not learned to trust)
Thankfully God was merciful enough to show me my soon to be demise, just before I slipped over this spiritually deadly edge.
As mentioned in other posts on my blog, I was too much in love with the worldly comforts that were enticing me to keep my mouth shut and do nothing!! So, you see, I DO take responsibility for many things and I am heart broken about it. However, what is truly the most important thing here IS, did I do an about face and turn from my childish ways and repent???
Yes, and I have suffered... but in the long run, it will be worth it !!
God is patient and over many years he has opened my eyes to the truth and has taught me of the bitterness that my ex has endured and then extended to the ones that I love, just to spread his bitterness and pain. We both got ourselves into this path of destruction. We both must take responsibility! However I would have never guessed that my bitter companion would (instead of repenting) would now work against me and God in hoping that his pain would become 'their' pain and continue the curse he brought upon himself and dumped on others.
Over many long, suffering, terrible dark and dreary days and nights to this day, I have now forgiven him and myself for our wicked or childish follies and have moved on to better and brighter days ahead. Hopefully somehow or someway my children were able to glean truth at this far way, unfamiliar boarding school called Mooseheart, even if it was a path that my children were never intended to have to endure.
WHY do I write these things today?
Upon pondering these thoughts this morning, God showed me that the reason why my bitter ex had sent his sons to this Christian ruled boarding school was in fact that through the process of forcing a somewhat Godless and dogmatic religion down my sons throats, so that hopefully they would be very fearful of searching for happiness where REAL truth could be found, especially if a certain religion or vehicle was spreading real TRUTH.
I pray that these were not his intentions and that maybe deep down in his heart, he does NOT know what he is doing or that he may have been trying to help his children find God without giving up his evil pride of not returning to where he KNOWS real eternal truth is found. ??
Sure, good works, kind deeds, and fleeting moments of feeling Gods Spirit, CAN happen most anywhere that people are gathered who are trying to be good or Godly people. Don't get me wrong, this can happen sparingly. However, it is not that real, Eternal love, lasting power, and Eternal or lasting happiness I speak of. That which I have felt and can testify of!
An organization or religion (a vehicle or way where real happiness or truths can be shared with others, hoping to single out the elect or those who know Gods voice and ARE his children) can not force God to be found in it. You can not force God to be in your presence or a MAN MADE religion or organization!
A religion can not stand eternally without the power of God found in it. Some, lots, or all.
On the opposite cord, God and truth however CAN exist without a religion to share it. Thus, I find I am not a 'religious' person as much as I am Spiritual first. Been this way, all my life. I can separate the two.
So, what if there were a religion or vehicle out there on this Earth, which HAD or HAS truth and the Power of God to act in His name (doing Miracles) and this was their way to spread this truth? This was the 'vehicle' God found Himself in MOST, because the organization LIVED Gods commandments and he was bound to give the Promises made to his children?
WHAT if such an organization/religion existed?
Wouldn't Truth seekers be excited to know MORE about it?
Would you have enough self esteem or intelligence to search for it...or open to listen to its revelations?
Or would you be so soured by life's experiences that a bitter parent put you through to bring about their own wicked desires, that your heart would be closed?
The Spirit of God must work through our intelligence and knowledge. AND those who seek the praises of the world and FAME or grand Success outside of their own spiritual growth and relationship with God show to others and will find out eventually that NO success like this will compensate for the failure to have this eternal bond with his Father In Heaven!
As I said, demonized religion is only a 'vehicle' to bring some, lots, or ALL truth and priesthood power to Gods children in this mortal and dreary Earth. Miracles must be wrought through real POWER. (not man made self entitled power!)
God showed me that my ex's bitter intentions were to force down the throats of our innocent children a Godless religion which would in turn confuse them and/or sour their desires to know God and reject even a religion or vehicle or path which may or may not carry God's truth.
They would be too scared based on their painful youth to even be open to these paths. Places where they would eventually FIND and FEEL Gods real power, love, and truth, just as he, Bernd Holler, had gained in this lifetime, and did experience... and is now without, and eventually let go of and lost.
( the ole saying is true.....bitterness / misery loves company)
and "It was pride that changed angels into devils, and humility that makes men as angels."
Just as my husband did to me when I was married to him. He worked and worked and worked to drive the godliness out of me. Sad, but true. I trusted him, I fell for the worldly comforts he lavished me with, and because of that, I nearly lost my soul. You see, I can look back and see over time how and what he used to do this on me.
Unfortunately, NOW I can see HOW he is doing it to my loved children, while they have been raised by him or by others who do not have the same deep eternal love only a mother has for her offspring and her desire for them to find true happiness, and to not see them be punished for no reason. I can PRAY for them.
In my own life, I found with the help of a loving Heavenly Father, that No matter how much of the worldliness, religious vomit, or making me feel (or making my children feel) like the scum of the Earth, my ex Bernd Holler has used against me or them, and I would allow him to do to me, or to them, the one thing I put my foot down on was ...he could not take my soul.
Trust me, he nearly did, until I had the courage to say, ENOUGH in 2001!
(*took me about 2 years of wavering back and forth at that time to free myself, mainly because I cared so deeply for Bernd Holler's welfare and I wanted to make sure I was making the correct decisions that I would never regret)
This was shortly after the time when I finally felt my soul was dying and I had actually felt enough courage to SAVE IT, so I knew what I must do, I HAD TO separate myself from the one person who was leading me astray, including myself, and was free to find God again, and beg Him to guide and direct my life again, as I did when I was young. It was incredibly hard to LET GO!!!
If you live a worldly and free life, you know how HARD this can be and is for those who have REAL strength and determination to be the BEST.
I knew that I had felt His power in the LDS Church growing up and during many years I was an adult and 1st married and went to the LDS Temple often.
So, I quickly went back to the LDS Church hoping to find some sense of peace and a path back to my Father in Heaven. The place I had felt and learned the most truth in my entire life. This 'vehicle' had the opportunities to SERVE, and I soon discovered that it was through this 'Service' that my soul was going to be saved.
I quickly learned that YES, the people in any religion were imperfect, but many of them at this Mormon one were trying to live the truth and live the purest Gospel of Jesus Christ there is to be found on this Earth. It was a start. It was the Rolls Royce in vehicles in finding truth and lasting happiness!
That is a bold statement that I do NOT take lightly.
However, over my 50 year existence the LDS vehicle has been the ONE vehicle which had brought me MORE TRUTH than any other place I have discovered thus far. I can testify to the truth of this.
This is one reason WHY I am so confident about sending my son Alexander out into the world to share this truth with others and then through his Service he will also have the means to save his own soul.
Yes, truth can be found in other places but a concentration of it of it is found here, in its modern prophets revelations, in its members personal revelations and in the shared books or scriptures, which are found here.
Why do I write all this today??
**When packing my son for his Mission to teach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the Argentinians, his Missionary packing list suggested that he pack 4 amazing life changing books that he should not only read himself, but will share with others, if inspired.
I have two of them here at home. I opened one particular book in this stack of 4 and am very curious to start to read this. Why? Because I want to gleam truth wherever it is found. You would think that I would have read this book by now, however, even books you have ought to have read as a child, or seem childish, can bring new insight, if read as an adult as well.
It is my testimony and witness that I have found very real truth, which leads to Spiritual happiness or Eternal happiness through the LDS Church, its articles, and the Book of Mormon. There is even more truth to be found just by being separate from the world and being in tune with God, through Service, being humble, and letting go of pride and thinking that you know it all and then listening to your heart with a fine tuned ear.
I am thankful for a place where this is taught and for a place where others around you LIVE IT, and then it continually reminding you to find your own revelations and growth, instead of hindering you with dogma.
I pray that my sons will let go of the evil they were taught or may have had pounded into them in their teen years, a letting go of dogma which could stifle their search for happiness, which is really found inside of them, which will then let God guide them on their search for real happiness, real truth, Priesthood power, and Eternal love.
Hopefully they will not lose their souls to the world, or to their lack of self esteem or by surrounding themselves by someone or others who have a mission to destroy their souls or Eternal happiness. May they listen to their still small voice warn them of those who may do this to them.
May they have the courage to stand on their own and surround themselves with 'holy' (that means separated from the filth of this world) people. People who love God first and are there to lend them a helping hand only and are not controlling them.
With all of this said, I still confess my weaknesses and my lack of understanding all of Gods ways and pray that my children and all of us can gain our own revelations through the Holy Ghost whispering truths to our own hearts and minds.
I pray these blessings upon them and upon all of us, in the name of Jesus Christ.
(Here is the book, below, which I spoke of, which I will read soon. Which has struck my mind and heart currently ~ especially because when a person finds happiness, he too wants to share that with others.)
My husband and I have already started to read this book below. We use it to gain truths, and then our own revelations about Jesus the Christ and his exemplary life and Holy example which we can glean from it and use in our own lives.
It reads or appeals to the very intelligent and to the humblest of readers. VERY excellent reading!
These other two books below are short and worthy, or a good reading also! (they are the same which Alex carries)
Pre-Ordained? I think so!
This handsome young man was dropped off at the MTC today!
At exactly 1:11 pm (He was born on 1:11 am) he headed into the building of this Training Center after some nice photos near the Provo LDS Temple, and saying goodbye to us.
Made me cry a bit, but I was super happy for him and the blessings and joy this journey will bring him and us! ♥
(side note; it was exactly 14 years ago to this very day that I was reunited with my soul mate Brother Acosta also. VERY interesting!)
Mom, Elder Holler, and Dad Acosta
Elder Alexander Holler in front of the LDS Provo Temple, next to the MTC.
Good bye for two years Elder Holler - You'll be missed.
At exactly 1:11 pm our youngest son, Elder Holler, has begun his new life and great adventure. We are so proud of him!
Mom and Dad Acosta go to the Provo Temple grounds afterwards to sit, relax, ponder and talk about our future. The warm Autumn vibrant colors of Fall and the spectacular mountains were gorgeous!
Young Missionaries on their P-Day (Preparation Day) were coming and going in and out of this lovely Temple. They were all wholesome, good looking and excellent young people. Alex is now one of them.
After this quite and peaceful enjoyment of this lovely place, we headed up the Provo Canyon a few minutes away to go see the Bridal Veil Falls.
It was pretty cool.
Immediately after we drop Elder Holler off, 26 mins, we got this email below, from Alex at the MTC, on our phone.
" Having fun already! There's been a lot of information to absorb. It's all a bit confusing, but I know I can do it with a bit of faith. Spanish class has already started and it's tricky. But I'm having fun. I will email when I can. My P days are on Saturday, so I guess I email again then."
Alexander gives an EXCELLENT farewell speech in the LDS Church (Joseph Ward) here at home on Sunday, today.
Some of the Hatch family were able to make it for this special day!
You see Uncle Rich, Aunt Melissa, Uncle Brad, cousins Will, Jenny, and Jessica (with boyfriend Dallin), Grandpa Hatch, Rudy and myself.
Most of the ward came up to Alex to tell him how well he did on his talk and to wish him well and tell him how proud they are of him. This ward loves him. A few of them told us that Alex's talk sounded more like a talk a 'return Missionary' would have given....it was that good. (mature)
If you would like to listen to it and see a little video at the end....go to:
Alex's Missionary Farewell Speech
Today, our local newspaper announced all the Missionary Farewells and Returns Talks. Ours truly was one of them.
Here is our handsome fellows announcement that I cut out and have saved here at home.
(The print from the other side of the newspaper seems to come through, when scanned.)
We are so proud of our stinker.
"Go my son, go and serve a Mission...make your people proud of you, oooo oooo"
Happy Birthday to my son Jordan!! He is 25 years young and on his way to being a Dr. or Scientist or both. Whose knows? We just know that he will go far as long as he stays humble, kind, respectful and has an open mind to truth.
We wish we were with him to give him a big HUG and tell him we wish him happiness, success, and peace.
We love him beyond what he knows, at this time. (Maybe someday?)
"Have a fantastic day with friends and family Jordan ♥"
We hope you got your Birthday book with a little lunch money in it. (Same books we sent each of your brothers this year)
Wishing we had more to send. ♥ Enjoy ☺ and keep up the great work.
click here for a Jib Jab Birthday!
On this page you see that we are still in CA. on vacation.
We are still at the San Diego, CA. Wild Animal Safari Park. Jacob is about to feed the little Lorikeet bird. Jordan is right next to a full bird bath of these adorable and colorful birds.
Below this, you see my girlfriend showing my boys and her kids the Lorikeet with nectar in the cup. You also see her daughter with Jacob feeding the birds. At the bottom you see my friends daughter and my two boys, Jordan and Austin.
After this visit to our friends in Escondido, we headed North to Hemet, CA. to visit our friends, the Olsen's.
The last pic on this page, you see baby Andrew out on the Olsen's swing-set. He was having fun. What an adorable smile ♥
On the backside of this page, I took more pics of my adorable boys playing on the Olsen's playground. They were being so cute together.
The next photo is of Bernd hiking up to our cabin being built. He has baby Andrew on his back in my backpack. Toddler Jacob is walking next to them.
The other photo is of our cabin with the roof finally finished.
The last 3 photos are of my boys with my sister, Michelle's, kids at our home in St. George. It is winter time and all the kids are dressed in warm coats and hats. They are playing in our back yard. St. George weather was pretty nice, even during the winter time. Winter Nov. 1998
Close ups below ...
Before Alex could go to the Temple to get his Ordinances and Endowment this past week, he had to be given the Priesthood keys in the Melchizedek Priesthood. Sept. 24th, 2017
Just like his bio dad Bernd, and his Step-Dad Rudy, he received this same blessing and keys, or ability to bless others, by laying hands on their head and using the power of God.
~Mother of 6 Handsome Sons.
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