Hey Andrew and Jacob! We just had a real funny and amazing dream...YES, all three of us, isn't that weird? We saw both of you living with US! We are sooooooooooooooooo excited! Well, got to run...LOVE you LOTS!! Mom, Dad, and Alex
Reading a fabulous book called "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. A fascinating, important book about what makes good people good and bad people bad, and how good people can protect themselves from those others. My thoughts? As I study the often undetected mental disorder of sociopaths, I have identified my ex husband as having all the traits. As humans, it is painful to live with emotions, feelings, and many times we spend our lives trying to cover them up, be rid of them, find a way to not experience them or find a chemical to cover them up...to just not "feel" anymore.
A shocking 4% of ordinary people have a complete absence of conscience and when they cross our paths, they can wreak havoc in our life...yet many times undetecable, as happened to me when I lived with my ex husband before I was finally wise to it all.
I had a very emotionally difficult teenage life and was desperate to not be so hurt and in pain any longer around 17. I soon met Bernd Holler, a very worldly person who seemed to have it all together (little bothered him) and he was very charming and persuasive. He helped me like myself more, to stop feeling so much for others, to be more selfish, and be more independent...just what I needed, or so I thought. Soon after, still not being able to stand on my own, I was quickly persuaded to marry him.
After living the enticing life of no right or wrong for many years and slowly becoming more and more like him, not being aware of the destruction of what this brings, I was fortunate to wake up to the fact that "something was missing" in the nick of time. My own conscience (often called "the light of Christ") had almost been extinguished in my soul. I felt it, literally! I knew a small light of hope inside of me was going out... I then began my long quest of desiring to have an extreme conscience rather than wishing to be free of it, despite the struggle it involved.
The best part of possessing moral sense is the deep and beautiful gift that comes to us inside and ONLY inside, the wrappings of conscience. The ability to LOVE comes bundled up in conscience! Now I wish for more! I want to go through life fully aware of the warm and comforting, infuriating, confusing, compelling, and sometimes joyful presence of other human beings and to take the largest risk of all...to love. My current husband affords me all this. I cry more...I laugh more...I love more...I miss more...I feel. I have no ill feelings for my ex, just saddness for his sense of no right or wrong and the terrible consequences he endures and has endured because he chooses the wrong blindly to satisfy his need to WIN. I also truly understand the meaning of "Can't live with a person….can't live without that person". There is so much more to this... and most people will never understand it until they live it...so you'll have to read this fascinating book! :) It is incredibly insightful!!
Today we had a wonderful Summer day on the Island of Catalina. This quaint Island is about one hour off the coast of California by ship. We spent the whole day there touring the town of Avalon, walking around the botanical gardens of the Wrigley Memorial, and playing on the Descanso Beach near the old Casino landmark. It was so beautiful!
~Mother of 6 Handsome Sons.
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