Alex - "Today was a super exciting day. First, with a Fire in our neighborhood that I helped put out by being the first one there with our Fire Extinguisher. Then, going to the Beach with my mom and our friends. After all this, we went out to dinner."
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACOB SON!
My son is turning 17 years old. Wow, my children are growing up so fast. I miss him so much. I worry about his safety, and happiness since he is not free to choose to be with his mother in this life. His dad will not allow me to send him any gifts or letters to tell him how much I love, care and miss him. But that doesn't mean others can not. I hope he gets them. His dad has a horrible, violent and bad attitude when others try to get gifts to these innocent brothers. His brother Alex misses him too. We hope that he enjoys this Birthday regardless... and that someday he will know how much we truly love him and truly cared despite his bitter and angry father.
Dear Jacob,Is me Alex happy birth day. i hope you have a great day. I sent a b-day card, target card, and a ticket for an all day pass to lack side amusement park. hope you have fun i love and miss you. love Alex
Today is the day many people honor their Father's.
It's FATHERS DAY
Honoring the man that either gave you half your DNA and raised you... or maybe just one of these.
My Father, who did both for me, is Howard F. Hatch.
An Awesome man by any standards! (and I have lived long enough to know what and who to compare him to).
Sure he has his petty faults (who doesn't) but by all standards he is a very kind, Christ-like, giving, compassionate, handsome, healthy, strong, loving man, Step-father and good ole father to me and his many children!
These are my current and past memories of him in my life.
My father was a very righteous man. One who lived by high standards...very high standards! He loved his wive's and children very much and it showed in all he did and said in life! He always had an open door policy. His door and home were always open to all his children in their times of need during life, at all times, as long as we were respectful of his rules of course.
He was a Christ-loving man and it showed in all he did and does today. He has compassion on those who are less fortunate and this showed the most in the many homeless people he befriended throughout his life, and also then when remarried at one time he lovingly help raise his new wife's children by support, example and kindness. (They have said how much they have always loved and appreciated him for that.)
He always tried to have the power of God (a deep sense of peace) or Priesthood and Spirit of the Holy Ghost in his home as best as he could and I honor him for doing that during his long life of many trials and circumstances.
I've always admired him for those great qualities because I always tried to judged him as only "a Father" to me and others, NOT by his personal choices that I may or may not have agreed with, and also NOT by his personal relationships with his wives or others which was NONE of my business, even if (in my opinion) he treated them very well. Sure he had his bad days with others. Who doesn't? But I always judged him on his over-all fatherly qualities and who the real Man IS, inside.
I must say that there are VERY FEW men in this world who could compare to my Father. I don't complain and ask "What MORE should he have done for me", but rather "What DID he do for me and his children as a Father, that he was capable of doing?". That is alot my friend, A LOT.
So on this day and always...I choose to HONOR my father and THANK HIM for all he did and does. I am grateful that he is still alive in this world as of today. He is going to be 79 years old this coming October. I hope he lives many more years since his presence in this world holds a lot of weight and the world could use a lot more men like him.
He not only came from a very honorable, pioneer-stock, righteous family but he lived that standard too...no matter what others may critized him with from their own mis-understandings of the man. I know the TRUTH.
Happy Father's Day Dad! May you live long and prosper....
With Much Love♥,
Your daughter Lisa
**** I will now ask my son Alex if he would like to write a few kind words here to his Step-Father and Dad Rudy Acosta, on this Fathers Day!
(His biological dad, Bernd Holler, had many many chances in the past to be a part of Alex's life for many years and he flat out refused our many, many respectful requests and suggestions, and he (out of his bitterness) has now earned himself a serious Restraining Order, from his illegal and immoral actions, in order to keep him from harming Alex, Alex's growth, and his happiness.
We continually teach Alex to forgive others like his bio dad, but to not be unwise to their dishonesty and selfishness. We all know, including Mr. Holler, that God wanted Alex to be raised by Rudy and his mother, in this life, due to all the circumstances leading up to this day in his life, but that doesn't mean that Alex can not have respect and forgiveness for others.
We encourage Alex to continue to pray for his bio dad's repentance and we remind Alex to not harbor ill feelings towards him. We teach him to respect all. Even if his bio dad has made less than desirable choices regarding Alex and his brothers ~ we still teach Alex (and them) forgiveness and will always give every decent person a chance to change, and do the Godly things a good parent should do, and be, for Alex and his 4 older brothers.
To Rudy, My Step-dad, from Alex Holler;
"You've been a good dad to me. Taking care of me when I've needed your love and happiness. You've filled my life with lots of love and joy when you've taken me to Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm etc. and I am so grateful for you to be in my life. I enjoy the way you make us all laugh and make the hard times become happy. You make every situation when there is bad and stressful into a reliving time. You've been a good Step-dad and even seem more like a real dad to me. You give me everything. I hope you can be that to my brother's soon if Bernd Holler will learn to Forgive and be friends. I will always love you and always be here for you when you are older, and Happy Father's Day hope we have a fun day today. Your loving son, Alexander (Acosta) ......
p.s. If I were to have a bio dad that was 'forgiving' and would let me see my brothers by letting them visit with me and my mom, it would make me have different thoughts of my dad Bernd. Right now I am disappointed in him"
(these above comments came directly from Alexander G. Holler. As he spoke them on this Father's Day, he had his mom type them on this page, for him)
WE LOVE DAD'S!!
~A few days ago we watched a good DVD movie called Off The Black. It was about an Umpire who has a neat relationship with a misguided teen shortly before one of them dies. It was very real to life and sad and I really liked many parts of the story line. We pray daily that our boys are having good relationships with others in their lives which show them how to be honest, kind and respectful.
Good point: The man in this movie has a son from a previous marriage who he does NOT get to see, so he makes VHS tapes for him and sends them in the mail, hoping his son is receiving them ? and able to learn how much his dad loves and misses him.
That gave me ideas that I probably should be doing the same. Making video clips for my kids so that when they are old enough to see them without their dad hurting us for seeing each other ~ they will get to know their Mom, me, and how much I have always loved them all of their lives.
OK What else is going on?
~Alex tells us that when he took his English Language Arts testing a few days ago that he nearly scored in the 1,000's in Textual Interpretation, which is 9th grade level! We were very proud to hear this. He is enjoying Middle School very much. He is getting fairly good grades, but we don't put too much pressure on him. We are just happy if he does his best. He graduates this month and is looking forward to making lots of money this summer!
~He goes to Mutual (LDS youth program) every Wednesday and he LOVES it. They teach him all the Boy Scouts training and other fun activities that bring a person great growth and fun in the teen years. Tonight they went Geo-caching.
~Its Almond butter time again.
I have a Vita-mix blender which is able to blend raw almonds and make Almond Butter! We love it! Nothing compares to fresh, raw, sweet, healthy almond butter on toast with my homemade fresh freezer jam. I just bought Apricots to make freezer jam tomorrow. YUMMY! (Jordan, Jacob and Andrew, when you come down to Cali. I will send you home with some!)
~Made fresh Coconut Soy Ice Cream. It was delicious!! I took half of a sweet fresh coconut, and cut the meat into a food processor. Added Soy vanilla ice cream and blended it. That Simple...It was AWESOME! (Heavenly comes to mind)
~I made Fresh Apricot Freezer Jam. My mother Grammy Hatch made this all the time while I was growing up. It is fabulous. Won't you come share some with me?
~ I made Green Smoothies. This consisted of Spinach, Celery, Carrot, Grapes, Apple, Water and Ice...blended very well. It was delicious!
~We visited the San Diego LDS Temple the beginning of June. It is GORGEOUS!! It really is a beautiful building when you drive by it on the 5 freeway. We see it all the time when going boating. We decided to do an Endowment session. The inside was spectacular. Lots of weddings on the grounds every day. We had a beautiful day! I can not write about it all the wonderful things that happened that day here, but believe me, lots of incredible things happened for us this day, and it turned out to be ONE AMAZING day!!
~Went out to eat with my wonderful In-laws to Old Spaghetti Factory. Afterwards we love to sit and watch the big trains go by. We always have a lovely evening together. We love our Mom and Grandma Acosta!
~Alex sent Austin some fun Background Music CD's in the mail to Hawaii ~ that he thought Austin could use since Austin mixes music on his computer. Hope he likes them. He sent 4-5 of them, and wants to send 4-5 more for his Birthday in a few weeks.
~One day this month we decided to go up the Orange County Coast for a Sight-Seeing Drive! We had so much FUN! We saw lots of beaches, parks, coves, gorgeous homes, boats, piers, the Queen Mary etc. We stopped off at a preserve and also a Historic Main street in Seal Beach and eat Thai food there ~ it was fantastic! I will post lots more photos on my 2012 photo page under the Pictures tab on this site of this special day.
~My youngest brother David posts an awesome page about himself online recently. http://mormon.org/me/8B1N/
~Alex made some really cool projects in Industrial Tech this year. This nut cracker and an air plane. He did very well.
~I have been remembering something from my youth this week. Did you know?...
That when I was growing up most of my youth in Provo Utah, that we lived near the famous Sundance Ski Resort where the famous Sundance Film Festival is held every year, thanks to the famous actor Robert Redford who lives there?
Well, often the producers of this famous well-know Festival would ask BYU film department to supply babysitters for the famous actors who had children with them which needed to be watched during the day's activities Sure enough I was given this wonderful opportunity to make money and meet famous people a few times.
On one occasion I was driven up there and taken to the Lodge restaurant first to eat a beautiful lunch with many famous people. One of them that sat next to me was the world famous Actor Karl Malden.
At that time he had been in many t.v. shows, movies, and commercials! I recognized him immediately. I could hardly believe we were having lunch together. Then after lunch the family that was having me babysit their children invited Karl Malden to their cabin to take a nap there while they were out and I was there to watch their two babies. We all rode up together in their car to the big cabin they owned near this resort and dropped us off. While I watched the children, Karl Malden took a nap in one of the bedrooms. When he woke up a few hours later, he told me that he was going to go ahead and walk down the dirt road towards the Festival and thanked me for keeping the children so quiet while he rested. I then mustered up the courage to ask him for his autograph. He said "Sure thing" and he gave me it on a yellow index card, which I kept in my personal box of memorabilia to this day (if I can find it). So there you have it. I spent 1/2 a day with a Movie Star! (I've met others)
Anyway those were good memories brought to mind this month of June.
~ This month we joined the San Diego Zoo and Wild Safari Parks. We LOVE to go see the beautiful animals and enjoy a relaxing day walking around the wonderful exhibits and grounds. Here's a pic of us going on the bus tour.
Thursday June 7, 2012
Last night I had many dreams about my kids. Wow, I wonder why? I don’t remember the dreams too well, but I know I was dreaming a lot about them because Rudy was tossing and turning a lot and so I awoke many times remembering that I had just been dreaming about them.
Must be because I have been blogging a lot about them lately AND I have been scanning lots of photo album pages onto the computer of them. I have been downloading their baby pics here on this site also for them. That way in the future they can get online and see them when they are older and remember how cute they were and how much I loved them. This had been very time consuming.
One of the last dreams before waking up this morning was about seeing Austin and Jordan during separate meeting times.
At first I was having a “reunion” with Austin... but I remember that it was not going too well? I don’t remember much detail of this one, just that Austin wasn’t making too much of an effort.
Then I was having a “reunion” with Jordan and he was kinder and more receptive than Austin... but he had more stand-offish confusion about our relationship and he was still stand-offish in my dream.
I remember him actually agreeing to meet me in this dream, and how we had a meeting time all set up. I had over slept in my dream, and I was suppose to meet him at 6pm and I had just woke up at 6pm from a long sleep. ?? He called on the phone and Rudy answered and they talked about it. I was told by Rudy that I had missed the meeting time and realized I was late, so I had Rudy tell him that I would head over there as soon as I could. I hurried and got ready to go.
Then, I was meeting him at an some unknown family’s home in this dream, where the mother there actually had made us a big dinner to celebrate our reunion and she had made all kinds of deserts, and food etc.
The family was really awesome to me, I remember. I had wondered if this was the family of Jordan’s girlfriend or someone he knew? I don’t remember now but he was somehow connected with them.
Jordan was being normally cordial to me and this had made me so incredibly happy that we were actually standing next together. Then at one point he had a cake brought out that was made especially for me (or for our reunion) and I was so amazed that I actually started to cry in my dream because I was so happy.
I started to hug Jordan in this dream and thank him and express my deep gratitude and love for him at being so kind to me, because I thought that he had done this out of the love he had for me.
I was so happy, but as he awkwardly pulled back from me, he told me that he had only done it to be polite and that he did not love me the way I was thinking at that moment.
He told me he still had many issues or hard feelings towards me, but that he was not like Austin who may pretend to love me but had no respect for me and would NOT meet with me in previously in this same dream.
Instead he told me, in this dream, that he was doing this out of being a respectful and polite person, that was all. Then we talked about many things which I don’t remember of what, just that we did a lot of talking after that. ???
I do remember the sadness I was feeling during the dream about how I had been mistaken about his kindness towards me... just out of politeness and respect (or maybe he was doing it for others around him) instead of for love of his mother.
I woke up from this dream.
I’m still amazed at these interaction dreams I have with my kids. They really showed me so many things about Austin and Jordan. They showed me how much they dislike me, or better yet, how much confusion, distance and pain they are still experiencing towards me ~ since they just don’t know a lot of truth behind WHY their dad choose for them to have the life they grew up with. Or even how much their dad played a part in creating the hatred he instilled in them that he could have easily taken away!
I often see in my dreams just HOW they are so confused and how they still don’t understand so much, OR even how much I deeply love them. I was a little sad when I woke up, but also very happy that I had many dreams about my kids.
These are good experiences to me, no matter what I dream about! Lately I have been thinking alot about Austin. Wondering about the fact that now that he lives in Hawaii, IF he will ever will fly into LA one of these days, and be near our home? If he will drive to Colorado instead of flying into Denver wouldn't that make it possible for him to come see us? Will he have the courage to stop by and see Alex and I? I guess there is the possibility, but something tells me he won't do it, that he is still too bitter, just like Jordan and Bernd. I have been thinking alot about this lately...just wishful thinking I guess.
I love all these dreams about my kids…even if it is to show me how much they dislike me. What do I expect?…they have been told so many lies about me. The crazy thing is.... NOW that I am able to contact them without being HURT by my ex.... they are SO disrespectful that I am now starting to dislike them for being so wicked. Its the only way I can handle their abuse.
The pain is so great when I focus on how hateful they've become, that this whole day I have wondered if I might have to go back to my LDS Grief Counseling meetings that I used to go to many years ago, just so that I could survive. These classes helped A LOT when I was tremendously grief stricken for so many years. Most people who were there in these classes were parents who had children or spouses who had been killed or died.
When they would hear about my children and situation they would say things like "That seems to me to be way worse then what I am going through, I am so, so sorry for you!" or "At least I know where my loved one is and they they are safe, happy and in a loving environment. I am so sorry to hear about your children... that must be so horrible for you to live through. It sounds like even when you have a spark of hope of reaching them, you live through them dying over and over again when you reach out to them and they won't respond to you and the love you have for them. I know that I could not survive such horror in my life, God bless you ....and your children". These are some of their comments to me in GRIEF counseling classes.
BUT I just have to be strong and pray mightily that God will show them TRUTH in life so that they will break FREE of any deceit they are living with. What happened between Bernd and I should STAY between us, NOT be apart of my children.
They HOLD the key of making their lives so much sweeter, if they only knew. They believe I was the one who was supposed to do so much more for them in this life when my hands were tied....when in reality it is THEY who had the power all along!
Life (through the help of God and his angels) will hopefully show them this truth and how much I always loved them and how much they deeply mean to me and I have always been there for them. Sometimes a mother has to remind them of their duty or requirement to respect her, BECAUSE God made her their mother and no matter what happens in life NOTHING can change that. NOTHING!
They are my babies and nothing can change a mother’s loving view on them….even when they do the most horrible things, she still remembers their sweet innocent spirits that she gave birth to and raised for many years; “The real them”.
I may have great disappointments in them today...but my love for them will NEVER go away.
So, that was some of my dreams this morning. Just writing them down so I don’t forget.
Last night I had a nice dream about my boys.
It was Christmas time and they were little. I didn't recognize the house or area but I did see my boys in a living room of some sort.
Bernd was around somewhere and I remember that he had allowed me to come over to this house to see my boys.
It was a joyous reunion and I LOVED seeing them.
I love dreams like these...they help me be so happy! I can hardly wait to see them again !!
Why I chose to be Married or Sealed in a LDS Temple? How our children, Austin and Jordan, were born under a sacred Covenant and what that means to them.
Why did I, Lisa, choose to be married in a LDS Temple back in 1987, making promises and covenants....rather than “walk down the aisle” or “have a big wedding” or be surrounded by human symbols of beauty ?
What does it mean when a person (baby or child) is born "Under this Covenant" after the marriage sealing?
How is being married (rather “sealing ordinance” or “being sealed” ) in the temple different?
These are all very good questions...ones that I did not fully understand when I was young, but knew there WAS a difference!
I remember, while growing up, hearing often, "Who would dare to compare the tinsel of the temporal with the gold of God?" It made sense to me.
I was taught that everything there at the Temple would awaken your senses to a deeper feeling of love and reverence—for each other, for your respective families, for other people, for your Heavenly Father, and for His Son, Jesus Christ.
I was taught that as the Spirit of this place touches your soul, you will wonder, “Where have I felt this before?” You will search your memory, and in your search you will recall the love you felt as a child.
So, of course as I grew, even if I hardly understood it… I highly valued the sacred LDS Temple and its spirituality, beauty, and higher standards I sensed I would find there, ….and later found out that this was indeed true.
Naturally, I (while dating or getting to know who I wanted to spend my life with) made it my goal to be married (sealed) in one of these awesome locations and Ceremonies. I knew God was suppose to help me in this process, but I thought that I made the ultimate choice and that if I was going to marry someone for "eternity", that I better marry someone who I got along with extremely well.
With this goal in mind, I knew that I would have to keep myself clean, moral, or worthy of this opportunity to enter this Temple.
I began dating at 16 1/2 and found that it was easy to stay pure, due to the fact that I was rather shy anyway. The thing that was hard to control was the fact that since I was attention starved, it was difficult to control the amount of attention boys were wanting to give me. Regardless, I was still able to keep myself clean and date often the first year, due to the fact that I worked and lived near a University (BYU) with many opportunities to be asked out, and I was more on the "cute" side of looks, and was attractive enough that many around me wanted to ask me out on dates.
Being shy, I had very few close personal friends I could trust, so in turn, I was unable to group date very often. Only when going to a school dance.
Looking back, I truly wish I had done LOTS more group dating, so that we could have kept the dating fun and NOT inmate. I found way too often through my dating years that many boys desired ME as their girlfriend or wife... due to my clean appearance, my kind personality, my cute looks, and my vast knowledge of being a super and faithful wife and someday an excellent Mother.
I knew I wanted to marry a "Prince"....so if that be true...I needed to conduct myself as a "Princess".
My great struggle came in the form of the intense amount of attention I started to receive at 16 ~ after a long life of extreme attention depravity! This was extremely difficult to handle!! My mind was strong with conviction...my heart weak with love starvation. How was I going to balance the two extreme opposites?
Looking back now I see that my goal to keep myself clean in order to be sealed in this sacred place played a huge part in who I was dating, and my ability to keep myself morally clean with that person.
Instead of allowing God to guide my dating and then using my learning of staying clean until entering the temple, I was using my desire to being clean as a guideline to finding an eternal mate.
I felt like I knew what was best for me…especially since God had let me down throughout my youth (or so I thought). Also, my ideal of the word “Eternal” was 1,000’s and 1,000’s of years….like in a Timeline!
Later in life I found that the word Eternal meant an actual state of being…in the present. HELLO!
Keeping myself clean was the ultimate goal in reaching this temple goal, so I dated boys that were of MY choosing and that made it possible to be able to control the situation. I looked upon a dates personality much more than any other quality, so that I could find someone who I could find their company pleasurable for years and years to come.
They were good looking or attractive of course, yet I was fine if there was no passion between us, so that this way I could be a clean girl and complete my goals in keeping myself worthy of such a lofty goal.
I was looking for the “perfect” personality match. The person who was my opposite, so that we could match perfectly ….instead of allowing God to choose whom I should marry and then working on a bumpy surface relationship. Instead, I decided I would find “the perfect relationship” and then let God come into it after that.
That is why when I met my ex-husband Bernd Holler, and he and I got along like two peas in a pod, him seemingly reading my every thought, granting my every wish and desire, never arguing; I couldn’t help but think that BECAUSE we got along so well (and I had such a great “LIKE” for him) this surely is a relationship where I could keep my morals before marriage and I loved to hang around him endlessly that THIS is what Eternity meant?
Bernd was attractive, but more importantly he was excellent at being my “best friend”. He was more of a “brother” to me in my eyes, but this was all great for me, since it afforded me the ability to work toward my goal of getting married in the temple and keep myself and all my thoughts and actions clean.
Up to this point, just having someone THIS compatible was a miracle in my eyes and made me feel that this union was surely a gift from God.
This would have been GREAT, for the rest of our lives, if not for the fact that we both were unaware that we had other soul mates that God had prepared for us on Earth that we were NOT aware of at our young ages when we met.
Bernd had some worldly habits when we first met which concerned me, and many which he hid from me. He was interested in our relationship enough that he convinced me that he would abandon his bad habits and change in order to have me accept him in a serious relationship.
I noticed that I was attracted to him, but I was NOT smitten, because of the brotherly love I felt for him. Rather a sense of feeling sorry for him and his unfortunate background, is what made me more pity him and have compassion upon him.
He decided to be baptized into the LDS faith and I was happy that he had made that choice…but I had always wondered if he had done it for me…or if he had done it for himself. Only he can tell you this.
I knew that because I feel in love with his personality instead of a deep passionate connection, that we could enjoy our cohesive relationship for years and years morally and that once married, it could possibly even last an eternity as I had envisioned Eternity meant at my naïve young age. Again the Eternity definition at a young age was different than what I know today. Thus we were able to date for nearly 3 years without engaging in a sexual affair.
Do you see where this is heading? (Remember my views today of what happened are all hind-sites!)
OK here comes the twist….
While Bernd and I were dating during college, I ran across a man named Carl~ who at first I did NOT even physically notice ….due to being wrapped up in my goals AND me ignoring God’s promptings at that time…UNTIL someone pointed Carl out and then when Carl asked me out, I figured I’d go out with him just to be polite.
To my Surprise, my Spirit must have recognized many spiritual qualities in him since I instantly feel deeply in LOVE with him and we were BOTH smitten. This was all new to me. This was NOT at all like my relationship with Bernd. It was the opposite.
You see, this Carl was stuck up, self-centered, egotistic and I could hardly stand his personality…but my soul was on fire and PASSIONATE when we were together. Looking back now, I really felt a deep connection but didn’t know what to think of it.
We could hardly keep our hands off each other. Our minds went out the door when we were together and we felt a soul connection like I had NEVER felt before. It was heavenly. Even with the intense passion between us we still managed to not have sex.
Yes I was very attracted to him physically ….but it was so much MORE because remember at the beginning of seeing him, I did NOT even pay attention that he was hanging around my work area,…so it was NOT his looks that attracted me at first. I did find him very attractive AFTER we began to date. It was after I met him that my world came alive. It was as though we were a spark and fuel together …and that scared us both!
It was all VERY confusing as a young person…what these feelings were suppose to mean to me…how the whole intimate relationship learning and growing lessons I was experienced fit into what was the right relationship for me …compared to what I had been taught growing up.
No one can teach you what you are going to feel while dating….just about different ideas of what you might encounter while dating and how one might handle them.
So there you have it….I had two very extreme opposite relationships to choose from!
One, Bernd, who I was attracted to, but in a friendly way, and I relied more on the fact that we got along famously, that he had a fun and fantastic personality, that he pampered me, and that he was fulfilling my every emotional need I had ever had. More of a Best friend than anything.
Two, Carl, who I was extremely deeply passionate about, but he could NOT relate to me emotionally, I could not relate to his ways, and who in fact had treated me “coldly” at times and had made it difficult to accept his arrogance. He actually would ignore me for many months during the year and ½ that we were dating off and on.
Instead of facing the reality of our passion connection and doing the decent thing of moving forward in asking me to marry him, (yes we were that serious) Carl treated me like I had somehow made him into a bad person when around each other, for these intense passionate feelings that existed between us. He was much more comfortable avoiding me, because of this “almost” uncontrollable PASSION we had between us.
When expressing my dilemma with my father at 19 years of age, he suggested that I had NOT given proper time or energy into dating Carl without constraints, since Bernd had been VERY controlling and domineering all during my years of dating him at the same time… and that maybe I should give myself a chance to explore a singled out relationship with a person like Carl BEFORE making my decision on whom I felt would be an eternal companion for myself.
I KNEW my father’s advice was wise and correct yet found myself unable to let go of my relationship with Bernd because he was so emotionally available.
I decided to let God guide my path to allow this to happen if it so be…and sure enough doors started to open for Carl and I… whereas I started to run into Carl on BYU campus more and more… and we started to spend more time together.
It was NOT long after this, before Bernd sensed this in our relationship, and he then did something about it! (years later Bernd admitted all of this to me)
He admitted to me years later that he went out of his way one day to find Carl on campus and tell Carl a bunch of LIES about ME and Bernd’s and mine relationship…in order to make Carl be disgusted with me, believe that I was a WHORE and that he should drop our relationship immediately if he knew what was good for him.
I wonder if Carl MUST have felt these were LIES (?) because instead of confronting me he gave me an ultimatum. Instead of asking me the truth about Bernd and I and any lies or info he had heard, Carl instead gave me an ultimatum the next time I saw him.
It was an awkward situation since when I saw Carl that day in his apartment, unbeknownst to me he had disgust for me which I was confused about. He treated me coldly and made snide remarks about some black underwear that he had in his room that were not mine. I was thinking that he must of surely had other women in his life and it greatly offended me, and it made me cringe to think I had not been really loved by him. This had to have been the way Carl felt too after hearing all the lies about me and my relationship with Bernd.
Carl told me that Bernd had talked to him but I did NOT know what Carl and Bernd had spoken of, this next time Carl and I saw each other. He said “Chose Bernd or him” (which was completely fair)… and he wanted his answer that very second. Not knowing many details of what was going on, this was unfair to me since I didn't even have a chance to think or pray about it !!
It just so happened that at the very moment that he was giving me that ultimatum…Bernd was outside honking his horn loudly and knocking on Carl’s apartment door yelling at me to come outside and get into his car!!! I know without a shadow of a doubt that IF Carl had asked me to stay…I would have.
He wanted it to come from my heart but in the heat of the anger, the domineering pressure from Bernd… I did not have the strength to think on my own that day.
At that time I believed that Bernd could become an eternal companion based on what my belief in eternal meant at that young age …IF I did not have my soul mate on Earth, then I was extremely blessed to have such a caring companion. How was I to know the future?
I believed that he was being a Godly man by going to Church with me…and that because he was compatible with me… that God could open the doors of spiritual love with Mr. Holler eventually after a time of both him and I living good and decent lives under the Covenants of a Temple Sealing.
So without having the strength to make my own decisions…I allowed whoever was stronger, to take control of my life. Between Carl and Bernd, that would be Bernd.
The “Passion” was only there for Carl, no one else…but I could NOT get along with him mentally/emotionally. I did NOT know what to do. Wasn’t compatibility an important part of being with someone for eternity? Gee eternity is a long time to NOT be able to get along with someone.
Carl was NOT giving me the attention I so desperately needed…. so I told him the ONLY thing I could think of that day that was deep in my heart at that time. That "he was NOT giving me this attention I so much needed" at this young age and had to say "good-bye". As we parted that day, I said that I probably should go and I left his apartment to go get into Bernd’s car.
Every day after this I questioned my actions and my choice that day over and over in my mind until during an intense prayer to God a few days later, I poured my heart out about my feelings for Carl and how I felt that I truly loved Carl but that I did not have the strength to do anything about it.
Then God put my heart at ease, and told me that someday in the future everything would work out right and that it was not the last of Carl (or someone like him?), and that I had not seen the last of him and that I would see him again. (Whatever that meant)
Hind site – My soul recognized many attributes of Carl from the Spirit World so my Spirit fell head over heels in love with him spiritually and physically. Today I see that he had had many qualities of a soul mate and that is why I was drawn like a bug to a light...lol. It was truly magical.
Today my current husband Rudy has all of these same qualities as Carl had....and even more! No wonder Carl had set my world on FIRE. Rudy does this and to even more compatibility. Rudy gives me his heart and cares for me, which Carl was too scared to do. Everything is the same with Rudy as it was with Carl, even down to the same facts that I can NOT stand his arrogant stuck up personality. BUT, NOW that I am much more mature, my Spirit feels at home and is passionately in love and I can maturely be patient with these surface irritants. I have found that the cruelty mixed with love brings about an intense relationship.
LOVE is never without pain I have found. Also, I have found that with the intense amount of PASSION between us - it is a breeze to be a faithful wife since he is EVERYTHING my heart desires and I don't have the desire for another! I don't have to "work" on being faithful...it is just THERE!
It's amazing how God can lead you to a soul mate he has prepared for you... IF you are only patient, humble, trust your Spirit, and follow your HEART...and then BELIEVE in yourself !! Many times it takes Maturity to understand this concept, as was in my case.
It was not long after this Bernd asked me to marry him and promised me that he and I would agree to make sacred covenants in the LDS Temple and that he would be the righteous husband and father I deserved, and that we would be married under these sacred covenants hoping one day that God would seal us with the Holy Spirit of Promise…IF we would obey these covenants and keep our selves clean and faithful.
I knew that this was a worthy goal and that because I could NOT think for myself I was extremely grateful for what was being offered by my best friend…that at the very least…this was a morally clean, righteous goal that any young woman would be proud to have in her life… and I was extremely happy and on cloud 9 with anticipation of a life of happiness, success, faithfulness, pampering and morality!
Especially since I believed that Bernd was in love with the real me…not just the ideal of who I was.
My heart told me that he might be doing this all “for me” instead of it coming from what he desired in his heart, but I didn’t think that mattered.
I figured that he would come to see that it was what he wanted after he saw how wonderful life could be when lived righteously. After all, that is the missionary work I was taught in youth.
Hind-site now, the fact that we were both attracted to other people while we were dating should have been a HUGE red flag that in the future( if we did NOT keep our promises in the temple) that we would come to a crashing end.
On August 15th, 1987, I being a virgin and living the LDS standards, was able to be Sealed to Bernd Holler in the LDS Salt Lake City Temple.
A few seconds before this took place that day, as we knelt across an alter, I heard a voice in my head say, “This is not your eternal companion”. I felt that I was just having a nervous negative jitter and with a room full of people and family, there was NO WAY I was going to explore that thought…so I pushed it away and ended up having a wonderful day.
Hind- site looking back, just the fact that I even questioned my actions in marrying Bernd should have been a HUGE red flag, (if I knew what I know today, but that is impossible. I was too young to understand a lot of what was happening)
I will say one thing. I KNEW that God was ok with my marriage with Bernd since I relied on Gods promise that all would work out fine in the future if I trusted God, since I could not do for myself what he maybe would have liked for me at that time, and God knew it.
If you are a young person, this makes sense. Hind-site is always 20-20. I was doing what I could handle at that time, and was extremely grateful to have Bernd in my life and God accepted this, since this was all I could do, given my extreme immaturity and naivety. I believe that God wanted Bernd to be a good person too and our relationship seemed to help him be that better person, so why not?
That is why although Bernd and I could have had a different companions that God had in mind for us, if we had waited into the future; I didn’t have the faith to act upon this, so God (like any loving parent) lovingly accepted what we were able to do.
The first few years after making our sacred covenants in this beautiful temple, were good years.
OK, What Does Being “Sealed” Mean?
Sometimes the word “sealed” is visualized as attaching or bonding a man and a woman together. While that is one of the results of being sealed, it is much too restrictive to be accurate. It has always seemed to me that the word “sealed” refers much more to the act of conferring the blessings of God upon the husband and wife individually and jointly (and upon their children) than it does to just “uniting” a man and a woman.
The word “sealed” also indicates that God is putting His seal or stamp of approval upon the ordinance in which you will participate. The term “celestial marriage” is also appropriate to describe what occurs in the sealing ordinance. That is because the two words together constitute a title which describes not only the joining of a man and a woman together in marriage but also all of the other elements of the sealing ordinance.
How Is Temple Marriage Different?
Too often there is the erroneous conclusion that the only difference from a civil marriage is the location. While marriage in a chapel allows you to be married for time only, the sealing ordinance makes you eligible to have your marriage last forever. To compare a civil marriage to one performed in God’s way is like comparing a big flashlight to the sun. A civil marriage has two basic ingredients:
1. The bride and groom make certain promises to each other.
2. The bride and groom can then legally live together under the laws of the land.
Of course, the one officiating will dress it up as much as possible. There will be counsel about the role of the husband and the wife and the need for love. There will also be sage comments about the institution of marriage.
But no matter how it’s packaged, that’s all a civil marriage will ever be. The addition of words from scriptures, so often incorporated into civil ceremonies, such as “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” does not change that fact.
A civil marriage is powerless to do anything but qualify the man and the woman to live together under the laws of the land. Adorning the ceremony with a minister or even an LDS bishop, a beautiful church or other building, tuxedos, limousines, music, and all of the other trappings will not change that.
An empty box is not given substance by the most beautiful gift wrapping. So it is with a civil marriage. It is not the Lord’s way, and no amount of rationalizing will ever change that unchangeable fact.
In the temple you make covenants and promises to Heavenly Father. The authority for the promises in a celestial marriage comes from God, and the consequences of your failure to honor those promises also will come from God. In a civil marriage, the authority for the promises between bride and groom is the integrity of the two people. It rises no higher than that. It cannot.
Its authority comes from man and not from God.
Even the counsel you hear in the temple takes on more significance when received within the confines of His sacred house in the context of an eternal priesthood ordinance.
So, Bernd and I were married (or sealed) in the beautiful SLC temple in Salt Lake City with the promise that any children born to us under this covenant would be eternally sealed to us as a family.
Austin and Jordan Holler were our two children born under this sacred covenant BEFORE we were excommunicated from the LDS Church, our temple blessings and everything pertaining to this, in 1994.
Wild story about that is: I was 4 months pregnant with my 3rd boy Michael when we were excommunicated… shortly after Michael died at birth, and the Doctor (Specialist) at the hospital who was in charge of Michael told us that Michaels development in my womb had STOPPED at exactly 4 months and that they did NOT have a reason as to WHY Michael did not develop further after that month, which in turn was the reason WHY he ended up dying at birth.
I don’t think I wanted to believe this was true at that time, but hide-site I know that us losing these scared covenants at Michael's Fourth month of development MUST have been a big factor in WHY Michael’s development STOPPED at his fourth month.
I now believe that this was a reason WHY Michael did not come to earth to join our family. I believe that Bernd knows this is true also. Hind site is always so much more clear.
The Sealing Ordinance
The sealing ordinance isn’t a marriage in the way that word is commonly used. When you go to a temple to become man and wife, you are really going to participate in a sacred and divinely appointed ordinance called the “sealing ordinance.” It is an ordinance established by God Oh, it’s true that one result of being sealed in a celestial marriage is that you are authorized to live together as husband and wife under the laws of the land and you do make certain promises to each other, but that is the beginning and end of any similarity between a civil marriage and the sealing ordinance.
A religious ordinance in the LDS Church is a specific rite or ceremony performed under the power of the holy priesthood. In the sealing ordinance, a major requirement has been added: the one officiating must hold the power to perform the sealing ordinance. This power is referred to as the sealing authority—the power by which, conditioned upon obedience to the covenants made, eternal family units are formed.
Temple marriage, that sealing ordinance, is a crowning blessing that you may claim in the holy temple. That is why I highly recommend all my children to have this incredible blessing in their lives too.
Elements of the Sealing Ordinance Having received individual endowments before, and dressed in appropriate temple clothing, you kneel on opposite sides of an altar in the sealing room and there you receive good and proper counsel. Then, under the direction of the officiator—one of those few men on the earth upon whom the prophet of God has authorized the sealing power to be conferred—you participate in the ordinance of celestial marriage;
Individual covenants and blessings.
You individually and separately make promises, commitments, and covenants with your Heavenly Father and individually receive promises of blessings conditioned on your individual worthiness. The individual nature of these promises is such that even if you were to cease being obedient following your participation in the sealing ordinance and so lose the promises made to you, the other partner who remained faithful would continue to be eligible to receive the promised blessings.
Joint covenants and blessings.
Two of you jointly make promises, commitments, and covenants with your Heavenly Father and make covenants to receive each other as husband and wife. You then jointly receive promises of blessings conditioned upon your joint faithfulness. The continued faithful obedience of both of you is essential if the promised blessings are to be received jointly. This is because the promises are made to you as one—that is, as a single unit consisting of two halves.
Joining in celestial marriage.
This element qualifies you to live together as husband and wife under the laws of the land. It is here that you are united forever, becoming one flesh before the Lord and forming a new family unit that, if you are faithful and obedient, will last forever.
Blessings for children born in the covenant.
All children born to the two of you are born under the blessings of the sealing covenant; thus, it is common to say that your children are “born in the covenant.” They are entitled to blessings of the Abraham covenant, including:
a. The gospel
b. The priesthood
c. Celestial marriage
d. Eternal life
It is revealing to know that even if you cease to be faithful in keeping the covenants you make in the temple, these blessings will still flow to your children.
That is why, Austin and Jordan who were born in the covenant are assured the right and privilege of eternal parentage based upon their individual faithfulness and agency.
If Jordan and Austin remain worthy, these blessings remain secure.
For each of us, the realization of eternal blessings is conditioned upon personal worthiness and individual agency.
Such blessings, including our eternal family relationships, will be determined by our wise and loving Father after we have complete our mortal probation.
It is comforting to know the Lord has provided that even adopted children and children born to a couple before they are sealed in the temple (as with new converts to the Church) may be sealed to their parents, and upon such sealing they also become entitled to these same promises and blessings.
I pray daily that my children Christian Jacob and Andrew Sterling will desire to be sealed to us, as they witness us being their righteous parents.
In the temple, all of the promises, commitments, and covenants you make are witnessed by two Melchizedek Priesthood holders of your choosing and are recorded in heaven as well as on earth.
As you see, Bernd and I made serious commitments and covenants in 1987, that within a few years sadly Bernd was persuaded to break and then eventually this lead us and our family into losing it all. I can’t blame him completely since he did NOT grow up with the Gospel in his life and he must not have had a strong testimony of the incredible blessings and safety of the Gospel, in order to fight for them when the storms of life came and hit us hard.
Of course I take my responsibility for allowing him to later corrupt me while I was staying in our relationship believing that if I was patient he would repent and change his ways (as he continually promised), and that somehow it would work. Sadly that didn’t happen and after I had lost most of my soul, right as I was about to lose my soul completely, I made the hardest decision in my life. That was to let go of who I still thought was my best friend and what was left of our worldly partnership, and decided to come back to God. I have NEVER regretted that decision!
Note: I know, as God is my witness, that the failure in this relationship hit hardest when Bernd began to secretly bring Porn videos into our home in 1989. This chased the Holy Ghost out of our home. He said he would play hooky from Church while I was in my classes and he would go home to watch them. He admitted this to me and our Bishop later. (He was doing this shortly BEFORE we met the Acosta Family, but that’s a whole other story and I am not here to focus on blame.)
What is the Importance of the Sealing Ordinance?
The sealing ordinance, which eternally unites man and woman, is a requirement for exaltation, which means living with God our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ His Son in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, where the power for continuing to extend the family throughout eternity is present. That revelation, found in section 131 of the Doctrine and Covenants, reads as follows: “In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees;
“And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage];
“And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.
“He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase”
Many people reading this section of the Doctrine and Covenants do not grasp its full import.
The gospel, which is called “the new and everlasting covenant,” includes many specific covenants, one being called “the new and everlasting covenant of marriage.” This title, or name, is simply another way of saying “patriarchal order.”
The patriarchal order refers to priesthood government by family organization.
The highest order of the Melchizedek Priesthood is patriarchal authority” and that “the patriarchal order of the priesthood is the right of worthy priesthood-holding fathers to preside over their descendants through all ages; it includes the ordinances and blessings of the fullness of the priesthood shared by husbands and wives who are sealed in the temple”
The patriarchal order will be the order of things in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom; thus, without participation in the sealing ordinance, you simply cannot qualify for admission to that high and holy place.
Of course, some individuals, through no fault of their own, may not have the opportunity to marry in this life; yet they will have that opportunity.
The term “sealing ordinance”; is more—so much more—than what the term marriage suggests to most.
I hope you grasp the tremendous depth of the sealing ordinance and the significance attached to it.
Can you now begin to understand why my heart weeps for those people who say they can’t see much difference between this magnificent ordinance and the “fool’s gold” of a civil marriage?
The Holy Spirit of Promise
There is one more thing pertaining to a sealing I really want you to think about. Don’t forget that every blessing promised to you in the temple, whether individually or jointly, is conditioned upon your faithful obedience to the covenants you make in the temple. If you, or I, cease to be obedient to those covenants, you lose blessings associated with the covenants. Of course, the repentance process may re-qualify you for those blessings.
(This is what I did, after years of humbling myself and through great repentance. Brother Acosta helped me tremendously in this difficult process.)
1. The ordinance must be performed by someone who possesses the sealing power.
The authority to confer the sealing power rests with the President of the Church and is conferred by the laying on of hands, either by the President or as he may direct by other members of the First Presidency or the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
( Note: After years of repentance and being released from all Temple covenants I had with Bernd Holler, I was fortunate enough to have Elder Craig Zwick of the LDS Seventy lay hands on my head and restore my temple blessings in February 2012. It was a day of rejoicing. My sweetheart Rudy and I now look forward to our sealing date when we will make these same sacred covenants. This time they will not be promises that I will have to "try" to keep. This time they are promises that I know are already in my soul (a part of me) and then I will joyfully keep. Also, we pray often that Bernd Holler will repent, so that someday he can have his blessings restored too, and be sealed to one of his eternal soul mates. I KNOW he feels this truth, since I KNOW what I saw that day in his eyes when he spoke of the LOVE he had for Lori Pinckney - one of his soul mates. (Which he did NOT have for me, and I am ok with that.) We pray that he will find this same great joy soon!
2. The covenants, commitments, and promises that each of you make must be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise.
The Holy Spirit of Promise is another way of saying the Holy Ghost. What the scriptures mean when they say that something must be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise is that it must receive the approval of the Holy Ghost.
The Holy Ghost can see into the heart of each of us and can consequently discern deceit, half-truths, or misrepresentations. Thus, when a sealing ordinance is “sealed by the Holy Spirit,” the Holy Ghost is satisfied that the parties to the sealing ordinance have been obedient in order to enter into the sealing ordinance and afterward obedient to the covenants they have made.
There is so much more to all this…and what I have written so far will require careful reading, pondering, and prayer to fully understand.
If you have any questions, please feel free to comment, and hopefully I can help.
~Mother of 6 Handsome Sons.
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