THANKFULLY, in my own home, my amazing husband had, (and still has), a great and genuine eternal love for my children.
It's 'Spiritual', and none like I have ever witnessed.
This was an amazing 'sign' (if you will) to me that I was doing what God had planned for me at that time....even if I did not know the full reason or outcome back in 2003.
This still carries me through challenges today.
I noticed that my children (all 5 Holler boys) felt it and warmly accepted this good man into their lives. Two of them almost immediately asked if they could affectionately call their Step-father "Dad". He told them that he knows of their biological father and that they had been good friends, but that if they so wished, they were welcome to call him Dad. One boy, Jordan, had been told, by his bio-dad, some confusing lies and twisted truths about his soon to be Step-Dad, so my husband patiently and caringly cleared up the confusion with open and friendly conversation with Jordan and any of the boys that had questions.
This goodness and genuine love my children felt, in turn created a genuine respect right off the bat when my children met this good and Spiritual Father (man), whom God had put into my life (not knowingly) to not only help me...but to actually SAVE me, and hopefully bring salvation to all of us.
Having a 'blended' family is NEVER easy! However, with God and Love as a 'foundation' or leader in the Home...Nothing is impossible.
Here is a nice article on Uniting a Step family in any situation.
~ Glenda divorced her first husband two years ago; at that time she had two preschoolers. Six months ago, she married a man who had custody of his eleven-year-old son from a prior marriage. Now they all lived together as a stepfamily.
When she remarried, she expected that things would be better “the second time around.” She assumed her husband’s son would welcome her as his new mother and, in turn, she expected her preschoolers to fall in love with their new father just as she had fallen in love with him.
However, after six months of marriage, things were not going as anticipated. Disciplining the children was becoming nearly impossible. Her stepson often refused to obey her because, in his words, “You’re not my realmom.” No matter how much she coaxed her own children, they were not warming up to their stepfather as quickly as she would have liked. Her ex-husband caused them problems when he changed his visitation schedule. The children often fantasized that their original parents would remarry. These problems with the children and her ex-spouse, and her own occasional lingering feelings of attachment to her first husband, made her wonder if she had done the right thing in remarrying and becoming a stepmother.
Glenda’s dilemmas and feelings are common. Stepparenting is different and in some ways more difficult than co-parenting in the nuclear family where parents and children are biologically related. The stepfamily has a unique structure. The children, at least in the case of divorce, have a biological parent living elsewhere with whom they have continuing contact. The relationship between one parent and the children in the stepfamily predates the current marriage, and the stepparent and the children are not legally related in most cases.
Several potential sources of stress confront stepparents in their new role. Perhaps the first stress is helping the spouse and stepchildren deal with a sense of loss as a result of the dissolution of the first marriage. The stepparent may encounter feelings of anger, hurt, and depression from his or her partner and stepchildren as they work through the grieving process.
Children may feel divided loyalties between their noncustodial, or visiting, parent and their stepparent. They may believe that to love their “new daddy” would show a lack of loyalty to their “real daddy.” Hence, most stepchildren do not instantly love their new stepparent but must have time to develop close feelings.
A frequent stress on the couple is relating to an ex-spouse—a relationship that can mean custody and visitation problems, children who are upset, and competition between the current and former spouse.
Perhaps the greatest challenge for a stepparent, as a newcomer, is carving out a comfortable role in the stepfamily. Defining this role is especially vital in terms of disciplining children.
Stepchildren tend to challenge the stepparent’s standards and right to discipline until the couple determines how they will share the role of disciplinarian. For some stepparents, the fear of being a “wicked stepparent” becomes a barrier that keeps them from being adequate disciplinarians.
Glenda and her husband came to me for counseling about these stresses. Our discussions led me to give them the following suggestions. Others might find them helpful as well.
With a knowledge of the challenges that lie ahead, stepparents can take the first steps to improving the relationships in their new family. The rewards are worth striving for and worth sharing.
For those women close to me now or have been close to me in the past, who have shown disdain for my choices and/or 'hatred' for me...
You are forgetting 'who you are'.... (please watch)
Then remember, "When we comprehend God’'s love, when we deeply know He loves us, we don't need to focus on loving ourselves. ...The more we experience God’'s forgiveness and love, the more we think of him and the less we think about ourselves.
When we are excited and secure in his love for us, the less the idea of finding meaning through loving ourselves makes sense.
When we focus on loving others...we find ourselves."
~Mother of 6 Handsome Sons.
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